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#386530 - 02/20/12 02:36 PM Hi and I think I deserved it
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
Hi guys,

Im new and just posted my story in the intro forum but was told i should post it here. Rather than type it, I'll just post the link here. Im curious if anyone else is in a similar boat. Looking forward to getting to know u guys.

#386544 - 02/20/12 04:44 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: PeteN]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, PeteN,

I have heard a few guys during the 5 years, I have been in recovery say they deserved it. When it comes down to disecting the "events" or asking oneself if they intended to be raped or violated, I believe 99% of the time, the survivors of such a traumatic event would say "I did not intend for the act to be so violent and NOT be able to stop it".

My belief is "sex" needs to be consensual. A former friend of mine believed I wanted to have sex because I was NOT saying stop. He has had sex with hundreds of people who have never said stop so he thinks all people who get naked want sex from him. Lots of people might agree with him. When I brought up the subject of intent he said he thought I was NOT ok with it. He admitted to me that he only thinks others are ok with sex since they do not say no even if he does not want sex.

I write the above as an example of others who might have been in the room with you. You might still be saying "I deserved it". I can't speak for you, but, I ask you to listen to your heart. Does your heart say I truly consented to the "rape?" Your body may be still shut down at this time.

I never told anybody I was raped as an adult until 20 years later. I even left college in horror.

Be well,

aka DJsport

#386558 - 02/20/12 06:36 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: Avery46]
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
Hi Avery,

Thanks for the message. I don't want to bore everyone by going into a lot of detail about my rape but I do have a lot of questions about the whole thing I hope to start working through. I plan to start participating in these forums. Right now, Im very curious about what other guys experienced, how they got into that situation, how they dealt with it during and after and how it compares to what happened to me. i have a lot of questions but want to verdugo respectful of everyone's feelings and situations. I hate to admit this but I want to know if others have experienced something as bad as I did. Again i know that's bad to think but it's in my mind.

thanks again

#387424 - 02/26/12 08:34 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: PeteN]
sparky Offline

Registered: 05/05/11
Posts: 1
Loc: NYC Area
Hey PeteN

Thanks for sharing your story. I was sexually abused when I was 23 by an older man who got me totally drunk at his apartment seduced me. I had never been into men before, but after that I seriously started questioning my own sexuality. I would have intrusive thoughts about being with other men - started noticing other men as potential sex partners - started thinking that maybe I was bi-sexual.

I am now happily married with three wonderful children, and have put to rest the bi-sexual/homo-sexual questions that I had. I am heterosexual, and I was raped by a man. It doesn't have to define my sexuality or masculinity today.

Therapy, both individual and group therapy with other men who have been sexually abused, has helped me tremendously to deal with the multitude of issues that happened after I hid the secret away and went into deep denial and self blame over what happened. I'm glad you have found this place - there are a lot of us out there - you are definitely not alone.

#387552 - 02/27/12 09:04 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: sparky]
Artistandvictum Offline

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 17
Loc: ohio
hey im new and an asa survivor also- I struggled with the deserved it thing because of my situation. which I typed in another thread if you are curious. I feel there are similarities because it was sexual activity that we were seeking. but in both situations we got what we werent looking for but the shame of the original looking/seeking is intermingling with the shame of the trauma. I dont think you or I got what we deserved. And it sounds like neither did our attackers.

#387554 - 02/27/12 09:06 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: Artistandvictum]
Artistandvictum Offline

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 17
Loc: ohio
If we got what we deserved we would have both gotten consensual sex with the partner we chose, whether there be shame attached or not.

Edited by Artistandvictum (02/27/12 09:06 PM)

#389405 - 03/15/12 07:44 PM Re: Hi and I think I deserved it [Re: PeteN]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA

I replied to this over in your Intro thread. I probably should have posted it in here.

Keep your head up. Your alive and you survived, you have some healing to do, but you're alive to do that healing, so that is where I would pour my energies if I were in your shoes.

Stay safe.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.


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