I hope all is well with you. First off I wanted to thank you and other supporters out there who are trying to understand us and help us.
In one way or another it helps all of us survivors out there even if not directly. To know that there are those who are truly trying to help and are willing to help means more than can be said in words.
As far as sharing, I can only speak for myself, but for me it is a growth experience too. As odd as it sounds, even the ones who didn't believe me, or even the ones who rejected my pain still helped me.
How could someone who rejected my pain actually help me? Trust me, it has taken a while to get to this place, and it still hurts, but I realize and have learned, that everyone has their own problems, hang ups, insecurity, etc. Not just me.
So if someone is mean and heartless by not caring for me it actually reminds me to care more. Not for their abuse or lack of love, please don't get me wrong. It reminds me to learn to care and love myself, and especially to those who are burdened with pain and sorrow and actually cry out for help.
I fully understand the fear and pain of being rejected, not believed, etc. It has taught me to be more compassionate to others and their struggles. It reminds me to not be so judgemental of others and their actions. I still have plenty of work in this area when it comes to the actual jerks in the world, and once again, it does not mean that it's ok.
To me having compassion is not saying that all the errors that people make in life are ok. Compassion means giving them the chance and opportunity to stop and heal, and change and grow. That's what compassion means to me and that is what I have grown to learn.
As far as being a heavy weight we carry around every day, indeed it is. I get triggered a lot and it saddens me. I am such a gentle, loving and caring person who's natural character is to be happy and joyful. But there are too many times I am not because of the immense pain.
A warm and gentle touch should bring positive and loving feelings to me, thankfully, with someone I know and trust it usually does. But it's those times when it instead triggers fear, pain and shame and I start crying or wanting to run, that just hurts me inside in ways I have a hard time explaining. It's not fair to me and it's not fair for those who love me, but it is unfortunately reality for me.
That is when being able to share and explain helps to start to take away the confusion. That's not to say it's easy on anyone, but at least they can have some kind of understanding that it's not them. It's not even me. It's just that there are "dark monsters" that got inside of me and cause me pain.
I say "dark monsters" because when we get abused, parts of us get frozen at the age the abuse occured. That is where inner child work comes in. I have a little 5 year old stuck inside of me, and a 6 yo, etc. The "dark monsters" term was the only way that the little 5 year old boy old inside of me could try to understand things. The sad thing is, he is probably right. I was abused in a satanic ritual once and we are still trying to sift through things in therapy just on that one incident.
The only way we truly heal, is not just through therapy for ourselves, but oddly enough, therapy for the little ones inside of us who got frozen in time and frozen in emotional maturirty.
Healing is a long and often times difficult and very painful road. It makes it even more difficult if we don't have loving support. We all need love. Some are too afraid and too ashamed to ask for it or to even give thanks. That's not to say we aren't thankful or don't care back. It's just saying that the pain sometimes is so bad and soo deep, and we are so afraid inside that we have a hard time coping with it.
All too often we don't feel we deserve love. We try to pretend otherwise, but until we actually work through things, we really don't feel we deserve love. I'm still stuggling with that even though I am working through things so well. Sometimes I just need a warm hug. That goes a long way for my wounded heart, and it does for most of us if we allow it.
From a true survivor.