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#386350 - 02/19/12 03:24 AM too much
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
not doing good here. seems like i'm racing to keep ahead of a ruaway freaight train going downhil and i can't get off the track. can't concentrate. or do what needs to be done for life. just too much at once to handle.

Lots going on. one thing - wed i read on another thread - too tired to look it up - about a threrapist who said that nearly all kids who do cutting have a history of abuse. I have a kid in my class that i thought of immediately and it was liek a stab to the heart.

Great guy - liked by everyone, talented, handsome, easygoing, friendly, etc... but he has lots of scars on both arms and doesn't even try to hid them and now has a big bandage and stitches. we have a pretty good rapport. I asked him to stay after class about an assignment and then told him wht i'd read. then i asked him point-blank - has anyone ever messed with you in any way? he said no. i asked again - i understand if you're embarassed - told him it could be other kinds of abuse - emotional, physical, verbal - that i'd been there and didn't want him to waste years of his life and then have it come back to bite him - like me. he needs to deal with it and get help. he said no again. told him whatever the issues he's struggling with - there is help available. don't try to do it alone. let him go, still denying...

Next day he was sick - parents came in to get assignments and becaus i told them i had another matter to discuss. Good talk - over an hour. they are aware f the problem - have him under prof care weekly and meds and lots more. they don't know what the root cause is - i believe them. they were glad someone else at school is aware and cares. sad case - really want to help - feel terrible bout it but cant do more than i have...

not sure if that's whats causing my big slump - or combined with the elevator thing - and everything else - incl big discussion with W and T about SSA and that big confusing mess...

positive thoughts, suggestions, and prayers welcome!!!
lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#386351 - 02/19/12 03:44 AM Re: too much [Re: traveler]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Lee

There is a lot of stuff going on in your head, the kid at school affects you more than you imagine. I also trigger when I try to help someone and they don't respond. Its like we know what is happening to them but they just don't want to see it.
Well truth is that they are not ready yet, but rest assured that you have planted a seed in his mind and that seed will grow and because you didn't force the issue you have developed a sense of trust with the boy.

Remember that if you try to help someone and they don't accept, doesn't mean that you haven't done it properly, it just means that they are not ready for it. So don't blame yourself, and don't give up trying to help.

Be gentle on your self

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#386355 - 02/19/12 05:22 AM Re: too much [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
There is time when everything seems unconnected and without purpose. It is like weather forecast, we can't control our feelings and they are changing all time.
When I've read your post I've got sensation that I've read recently something that has captured same whirlpool of emotions (theme is about writing). As you are damn good person I've decided to retype something in a try to dispel some clouds from your sky. I've found some fractions of your thoughts in this sentences smile :
"Let me explain what I feel on a day when I've not written well, am unable to lose myself in a book. First, the world changes before my eyes; it becomes unbearable, abominable. Those who know me can see it happening, for myself I come to resemble the world I see around me. For example, my daughter can tell I have not written well that day from the abject hopelessness on my face in the evening. I would like to be able to hide this from her, but I cannot. During these dark moments, I feel as if there is no line between life and death. I don't want to speak to anyone - just as well, since no one seeing me in this state has any desire to speak to me either. A mild version of this despair descends on me every afternoon, between one and three, but I have learned how to treat it with reading and writing: If I act promptly, I can spare myself a full retreat into death-in-life.
If I've had to go a long stretch without my paper-and-ink cure, be it due to travel, an unpaid gas bill, military service (as once was case), political affairs (as has been the case more recently), or any number of other obstacles, I can feel misery setting inside me like cement. My body has difficulty moving, my joins get stiff, my head turns to stone, my perspiration even seems to smell differently. This misery is likely to grow, for life is of things that conspire to keep a person from literature. I might be sitting in a crowded political meeting, or chatting with my classmates in a school corridor, or eating a holiday meal with my relatives, struggling to converse with well-meaning person of unlike mind, or occupied whit whatever is on the TV screen; I can be at an important business meeting or making an ordinary purchase, making my way to the notary or having my picture taken for visa-when suddenly my eyelids grow heavy and, though it is the middle of the day, I fall asleep. When I am, far from home, and so unable to return to my room to spend time alone, my only consolation is a nap in the middle of the day...
...If I'm feeling pessimistic, I think only about how bored I am. Either way, a voice inside urges me to go back to the room and sit down at the table.
I have no idea how most people answer such voices, but my manner of response turns people like me into writers. My guess is that it turns us more typically into writers of prose and of fiction than verse. Here, then, is a bit more insight into properties of the medicine I must make sure to take every day. We can see now that its active ingredients are boredom, real life, and the life of the imagination."
Orhan Pamuk - The implied author
Be well Lee, you are doing great help to people and kids around you. Don't be too pushy to yourself, you can't save the world by yourself, it takes time for others to join you on this path!!
Pero


_________________________
My story

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#386361 - 02/19/12 07:34 AM Re: too much [Re: peroperic2009]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
"Runaway Train" - Soul Assylum... is how I feel alot right now too.
Trading all my addictions and fabricated emotions for my life back. "Crossroads"-Tracy Chapman, each breath a moral and convoluted second guess of a quintupled assumption. I keep trying to force everything into my past jumping forward, then "Slam"-Onyx and staggering back. Every time I find a change that needs to be made it should have happened "Yesterday"-The Beatles. Every cigarette every smoked every attempt made at quitting "Loser"-Beck. So i beat myself up a little more even though it probably wont make difference "Blue on Black"-Kenny Wayne Sheppherd Band. Delusions of grandure and resignation to insignificance collide "Crazy Train"-Ozzy Osbourne. One more wasted day, every choice "Dangerous"-Roxette and opportunity missed. Force sleep, cry myself into a "Brand New Day"-Sting. Believing I'll always remain "Two Steps Behind"-Def Leppard.

So, yeah, thats where I'm at too wink

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386493 - 02/20/12 10:09 AM Re: too much ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: Treehugger75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks, guys...
Why it was too much:

Sunday morning I totally broke down. I’d just gotten out of the shower and had run the sink full of water to shave. Had the gel and razor sitting there… My wife came in several minutes later wondering what was taking me so long and found me crying into the towel s hanging on the wall. She asked what was upsetting me. I said – “nothing and everything.” I honestly couldn’t put it into coherent thoughts – much less words. It was not a single thing that I could identify – I just felt overwhelmed. She hugged me and I cried on her shoulder for a long time. We stayed home all day and she encouraged me to write it out – which usually helps but I couldn’t concentrate or make much sense. I felt shaky all day and on-edge – compared to doing lots better lately. I sent several posts – including one that told about being upset about a boy in one of my classes who is cutting really badly. They were pretty poorly typed and lousy sentence structure. The next morning – today – it started to make sense. Whome's response said that it was affecting me more deeply than I realized. And that is true. And then when I got ready to shave this morning I saw the sink full of water and the razor just like yesterday and I instantly made the connections:

My student is 17. I was 15-16.
He must be depressed. I was too.
Therefore he must have had some trauma. I did too.
He’s cutting. I was thinking of doing something else.
He uses razor blades repeatedly. I was thinking of using razor blades once & for all.
He may not be suicidal. I was suicidal.
His parents know and care. Mine didn’t.
He is getting prof help/intervention. I didn’t until my 30s and again just months ago.

Yeah – I was seriously contemplating suicide at that stage of life. Things at home were intolerable. No more physical or sexual abuse from the step-father since I was 13 and as big as him. But the emotional and verbal abuse went on. We had moved and I got away from the school bullies and nothing like that had happened for 2-3 years. But then – the stranger in the tailor shop molested me and I felt like there was never going to be an escape – I was branded and could never be normal or live without being a target. So I was trying to find a way out and could only imagine one way. I had no access to guns and no way to get drugs and I was afraid of heights so couldn’t jump – ironic, huh? But we had lots of razor blades and I had heard about how to do it painlessly…

For a number of years I have remembered that I was feeling suicidal at that point in my life. But I hadn’t remembered details. This time I think I was feeling what it felt like – maybe even the emotions that were missing before – I was in my stoic period at the time and I don’t think I even cried back when I was in my teens.

There are several other issues that I’m dealing with too but the student and the personal link to blades was the trigger.

I am so glad I didn’t do it back then. Now if I can just remember why – what stopped me…? It might help…

Lee




Edited by traveler (02/20/12 10:10 AM)
Edit Reason: trigger warning added
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#386494 - 02/20/12 10:20 AM Re: too much ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: traveler]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
And thats what i love. "I love everything you do, all the nothing you do, but most of all I love you for just being you."

Some one said that one time, it could have been me, or someone who looked alot like me, I dont remember wink

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386496 - 02/20/12 10:22 AM Re: too much ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: Treehugger75]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
So to clarify every time you put the razor down i loved the NOTHING that you did to your self smile

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386499 - 02/20/12 10:34 AM Re: too much ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: Treehugger75]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
Every once in a while I meet someone, and feel the need to help them escape their pain..To help them grow and move on. Rescuing people is a life long trait.
I want to help everyone escape hell. Sometimes helping causes me huge pain cause I can not help those who are not ready and I am not able to reach them..

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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#386509 - 02/20/12 12:37 PM Re: too much ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: NewSummer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Lee, it is good to see you're feeling better. I'm glad that you are back and in full spirit smile !
So many things recently happened to you. In first place you were in grate grief because of Eyesforward's loss last week, couple days later you've had that triggering situation in elevator and now this story with your student emerged almost from nowhere. You've had one cup too much man; you need some peace and rest from problematic situations. I hope that boy would be fine, it doesn't mean that he was abused if he's cut himself. He even might be lately feeling much better than he used to be; who knows - his parents probably don't. My niece used to cut herself when she was same age as that kid. She wasn't abused in real terms; she was felt very lonely and without any support from her family. As teen she has felt lost and she just needed some warmth and couple of encouraging words to hear on regular basis. Instead of that she's been given only critics and odium in her home. Maybe you as teacher could offer some new perspective to that kid. If you'll make him interested to some new book or interesting subject or whatsoever that would be great accomplishment. You don't need to be too serous and to have approach to him with questions abut possible abuse, it is much better to do it with something humorous, funny and interesting. You can recommend him some funny story to read, I'm sure you could find something... Who of us wonted to do serious talk with adults when we were 17 smile?
One more issue that bothers me lately: I know that we all are in some way different form each other but somehow I'm constantly seeing some similar traits - at the moment that is our (survivors) willingness to help to others.
I wonder is that inborn characteristic or it is somehow connected to traumatic experience which all we've had. I know that I've gave on couple occasions all myself to help somebody. And I did it in manner that wasn't healthy for me and actually it was painful experience for me. Just wondering is that usually happening to all of us?
Pero


_________________________
My story

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