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#386429 - 02/19/12 06:17 PM Who Will Love Me For Me?
livelovelaugh Offline


Registered: 01/13/12
Posts: 33
Loc: New Jersey
I have spent a literal lifetime taking the abuse committed against me in a rouse of safety, trust, and love... and turning my misconstrued view of love and affection into a positive influence upon my community and my life. Since the age of 15, I have worked and served my community and the children I have worked with faithfully and with a steadfast dedication, verging at times on an obsession. I devoted my life to rising above every challenge I faced to graduate with honors from my university with a degree in education, to set the example of what teaching should be and what a teacher's job should be - to provide a safe, trusting environment for students to flourish not just academically, but socially, emotionally, and psychologically. In effect, everything I did not have. For over 13 years, I have devoted my life to service as a teacher and as a protector, serving honorably as a decorated war veteran and combat line medic, putting myself in harms way so others may live... and returning to become an educator of our children, instilling in them not only the moral fibers of Christian faith (as a Catholic school teacher and CCD teacher since the age of 15) but as a lifelong learner. In this past month, because of unresolved issues surrounding my abusive childhood and vindictive people set to destroy my success - as a recipient of three distinguished teaching rewards, a featured educator in a McGraw Hill video publication, a nomination for Teacher of the Year by Disney, and a lifetime of cards and thank yous from parents and students alike - I have lost everything I have worked to rise above. I have been haunted by my past abuse and done so much to push myself aside and put the needs of others at the forefront, in my service to country and to the education community, I had finally found purpose, direction... and now I am left without purpose, without anything - a shattered career in both education and in the military, the loss of family and friends, and the support of a community I have grown up with; all because of things beyond my personal control, because of forces at work to destroy my success and reopen the wounds of a childhood I had finally thought would be forgotten, because of an unwillingness to accept that people abused do not always go on to abuse. Where to go from here? I see so many people here still struggling with the abuse, with a life continually shattered by raised hopes, only to be continually knocked down. So much evil exists in this world... so much, and so much has been done recently to help qwuell that evil praise to God, but where does God's plan fit in for me? At a point of high hopes and final resolution, I find myself back at the beginning, exposed, vulnerable, and abused all over again by those I thought I could trust. To whom do I turn, but my brothers in understanding here, and to God. Who is finally going to love me for me, and not for what I have done, what has happened to me, and what everyone thinks I will become?

_________________________
"...and it was then that I carried you..."
Footprints in the Sand

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#386461 - 02/19/12 11:06 PM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: livelovelaugh]
allendale65 Offline


Registered: 12/30/11
Posts: 13
Loc: SD, USA

I am new to this forum; I know not what to tell you.

I have been barely welcomed, and I very much have a problem with unanswered posts. People in pain ought not to be kept waiting.

I have read your words, I have heard them, and I am sorry for your pain.

Of love, I know little. From where it comes, I do not know. From where comes the wind and where does it go? But love comes from unexpected places. And it comes somehow between expectation and inattention.

I hope your days become better very quickly.

_________________________
Here, take hold of my hand...
I will remember these days for you...

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#386462 - 02/19/12 11:25 PM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: allendale65]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
LLL and Allendale -

What you have both said is very touching. I want to reach out and say more but I'm reduced to "swyping" on an Android this weekend. I'll try to say more later in the week when I can use a keyboard, but wanted you both to know I hear you and I am moved.

via android

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#386463 - 02/19/12 11:30 PM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: livelovelaugh]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
I asked who would love me for me and when I discovered I needed to love me to find who I was so I could present that to the world I found someone who loved me my past and all.

That is how it worked for me at least.


_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#386464 - 02/19/12 11:43 PM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: F.A.]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1403
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: F.A.
I asked who would love me for me and when I discovered I needed to love me to find who I was so I could present that to the world I found someone who loved me my past and all.

That is how it worked for me at least.


TRUTH.

I've spent decades waiting for someone to love me and rescue me. I could have waited a life time and never found anyone, and was slowly becoming bitter waiting and waiting and waiting.

Last year, I finally learned it - it is my responsibility to learn me first and foremost. And what a wonderful undertaking it has been thus far.

If you keep waiting for someone else to show you what love is, you may waste your entire life away waiting....

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#386469 - 02/20/12 12:33 AM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: Magellan]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi livelovelaugh

Sorry for your pain. I dont know what you have done to heal from CSA, so please read bellow based on that.

It sounds like you spent a lifetime doing for others, and no time doing for yourself.
Giving back to the world and suppressing your past does not help you to heal, It is just a band aid.
You will see that the more you work on your healing the more you will become a whole happy person.
Judging from your strength of character you will work hard at your recovery and change the world.

Never give up, there is always hope and there is always victory to those that actively seek it.

And as for the love, what my brothers before me said is very very true. Once you love yourself, the rest of the world can love you too.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#386470 - 02/20/12 12:38 AM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: livelovelaugh]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Livelovelaugh,

Thank you for your service, military and as an ordinary citizen. Welcome to MS. I'm very sorry what happened to you. People can be cruel, and, most often, are evil. I can't speak on how god (or some other version) has for anyone let alone yourself. I overcame a bunch like yourself and was met with resistance at every turn in academia and in the companies in which I toiled. Always found myself back at the beginning like you. Of course, didn't get as far as you with support and friends and a community like yourself. Considered the military but was way too far gone in Bipolar (and suicidal) issues to ever have made it there. Looked and looked for that love thing we are supposed to have and decided, then and even moreso today, that it is for the privileged. Healing is for the privileged. Not matter what I achieved and tried to cared about my fellow man and woman was ever good enough. The religious zealots kicked me out before anyone else and certainly could careless about me when I was a kid. No offense to your religious preferences: I figured in the last few years if that's god's real ambassadors (Christians/Catholics), he doesn't give a shit either and is an absentee landlord and they are just all a bunch of hypocrites (most of them). I keep an open mind and have assumed he's obviously none of those things. He, or she (uh-oh, the Catholics will excommunicate me for that shit..haha..so I say, screw 'em!!!) cares but really can't do anything about it. Humans do what they want. I will say the shroud of oppression lifted a ton when I cast off the "christian" version of god as some evil son-of-a-bitch that just judges everyone harshly and leaves the meek to inherit absolutely nothing but the scorn of the privileged. He/she is there. He/she just wants acknowledgement. That's it. 99% of the rest all religions based on him/her is from the mind of the ones that wrote down everything. After all, they were the best minds over the centuries since mankind is a superstitious lot to begin with. Easier to create some mysterious persona of god/goddess and labor him/her with tons of rules so everyone stays the fuck in line while the religious leaders (Pope, televangelist, preachers, cardinals, etc.) live in the lap of luxury (or aspire to it) bound by none of the crap they have foisted on the rest of humanity through the centuries). I do however believe people can worship/believe as they wish and bless them if they are doing what they actually claim to be required to be doing. The rest get my giggles. Those hurting that find solace there, good for them. What is your purpose? I don't know. God/Goddess was lonely. He/she created humans. He/she gave them resources and abilities. And, mankind has done everything almost necessary to destroy what he was given. I do consider women superior to men. Why? I don't see them destroying the planet with a vengeance or profiting regardless the cost to the planet or their fellow humans they have absolute scorn for to begin with. I believe there are few humanitarians and few honest people left. Hell, that's my experience for 43 years on this planet. A lot of people are joining my ranks or already were there. Love and concern for people is a far and few between quantity in anything including religious organizations. I'd say 50% of the married people I've known are unhappy and lonely. 50% divorce anyway. I don't know, man. It seemed all I ever did was the wrong thing in men and women's minds. It was either too much or not enough or I wasn't rich enough or I worked too much (required overtime) or it was about my money or I wasn't emotional enough. Sorry, I didn't get those social skills growing up. I was worried about surviving and not getting beat or yelled at. Maybe all the good stuff if for certain people has become my way of thinking. I sure as hell was never considered those certain people by most anyone. Say I beat this terminal illness I've gotten (due to CSA and the constant child abuse I had everyday), my question is why beat it? It'll just be 20-30 years more of loneliness, no friends, probably a shitty job (over 40 and thrown away by society already). Yeah, I don't believe it gets better. I actually was relieved when I got sick. I actually see death as a huge relief. I had hopes once. They were always dashed by someone. Will anyone love me for me was your question. In my case, hell, no. It's kinda too late for me anyway. Healing is for special people and I'm not one of them I believe. I wish you good luck in your quest.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#386814 - 02/22/12 01:46 PM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: whome]
livelovelaugh Offline


Registered: 01/13/12
Posts: 33
Loc: New Jersey
Martin, Thank you. Your words speak so much truth to me. It is so true and, I have spent a lifetime hiding from my past, trying instead to please others in a band aid approach to gain love and conditional acceptance. Now, stripped to nothing, I know that one true purpose that exists is that I must now focus on me and myself and the undealt with demons of my past, and as others have said - learn to love me for me and heal myself, instead of everyone else. Thank you.

_________________________
"...and it was then that I carried you..."
Footprints in the Sand

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#392400 - 04/06/12 12:29 AM Re: Who Will Love Me For Me? [Re: livelovelaugh]
joehurts Offline


Registered: 03/27/12
Posts: 22
Loc: seattle
i keep reading posts and comments and when im done i am speechless. i want and have a lot to say but everyone here says it all. just when i think there is more to say, it is addressed in the next post. the stories begin to merge and become one. the names and face and places may change, but everything i read seems to be coming from one voice, one place, like a single person is talking. this is all seeming like a dream or nightmare. i am not scared anymore to face these issues. i am moving towards a new place. i am learning about my self from all of you. you all make me stronger, a man not afraid to conquer his demons. i feel this because we are all one force striving for the same plane, the same future. we are men.

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