I wasn't this way before 12 years old. I wasn't born with it. Yes, "just thoughts" are there that I detest. I would never harm a child. In 2010, I considered just ending everything just to get away from the "just thoughts". Obviously, I'm here and now understand that that was not the way to go. By the definition posted in this thread of a pedophile, I do not and will not believe that I fit that profile.
Alone, I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.
You were NOT born this way. You are not... Alone. Please don't end everything.
By "just thoughts"... I'm just trying to make room for opening up about all this, so that, in the language of the DSM that's suddenly so important now, we can try to show how "severely impacts your life" can be reduced, and even made "not severe impact at all". I've done that with my abuse "stuff" (admittedly not an "attraction to children") but I think it works similarly. Opening up and talking about it is key to getting started. But labeling people a pedophile stops that cold. Duh!!! Indeed, DH seems to be long gone. Maybe not. DarkHadou? Please come back and talk to us... As I said, I sincerely think you can change a lot of this in your life, but you need a safe place to talk it all out at length.
Daniel forgotten said some things that have been important to me and I think other survivors I heard talk about this too (though rarely because it's so difficult):
i have the impression the reason this post is so controversial is that more than one here have dealt with this issue at some point in their lives.
Agree very much.
However, when i'm with a woman I feel I am abusing her (I have never remotely forced any woman, it just feels that way)
Me too. I had this going on with my last girlfriend for about 6 months. It's partly the thoughts .vs. behavior thing. Past .vs. present, typical PTSD confusion. I kept asking her if I was hurting her... Too many times, because she finally said with a pained look, "You're really quite respectful! Ok??? I think I'd let you know if you were hurting me." So I've gotten good at tolerating the thoughts of "Am I hurting her?" if that shows up, and trusting instead my perception of myself (I indeed AM quite respectful) and different from the abuse, if someone doesn't like what I'm doing, they can say so, and I will stop it immediately. No danger at all. Indeed, that makes a lot of room for fun and pleasure.
And this is a hard confession to make, I also have some issues with children. I can't say it is attraction and it isn't even about the child itself. It's some form of ... reflection of myself at that age. I still find extremely arousing the idea of my dad and me when I was younger than 10. .......Sometimes when I see a little boy I see myself reflected and feel that kind of .. attraction? it is not attraction but i will use that word for lack of a better one.
Yeah. A lot of men have this going on I think, but the "knee jerk reaction" prevails over and over. And shuts this down cold. That really isn't helpful.
So I'm left to wonder... just what is going on here for him? I want him to... Slow it down and look at it, study it, carefully. What is "attraction" anyway? Is it "attraction" now? Or memory of "attraction" in the past? Or both? Can he separate and distinguish them? What is sexual? Is it the erotic feelings and unavoidable male arousal that comes from an abusive sexual situation? Or a present moment urge? And then, no matter what is going on, no matter what thoughts he has, can he make good choices about how to act? Lots to consider there but... I've learned to know and trust, it's not a problem for me. I'm safe. In me. With others. I won't hurt anyone.
I think growing up, a boy has something like 10 years to explore and practice all this. Hidden, silent abuse and unavailable, neglectful adults made this impossible at the time for me. Our culture is way too silent about sex and abuse (different things!), and full of various "knee jerk reactions" when it's not silent.
I just wish we could make learning and healing possible, whatever age it happens at, and not keep doing the same old abusive stuff over and over. Enough Penn States.