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#386353 - 02/19/12 04:28 AM kid in my class
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Posted this in Male survivors - but with more emphasis on my feelings as a survivor myself - thought maybe it would be good to get F & F input too - more on how to help a teen who seems to be in denial:

... wed i read on another thread - too tired to look it up - about a threrapist who said that nearly all kids who do cutting have a history of abuse. I have a kid in my class that i thought of immediately and it was liek a stab to the heart.

Great guy - liked by everyone, talented, handsome, easygoing, friendly, etc... but he has lots of scars on both arms and doesn't even try to hid them and now has a big bandage and stitches. we have a pretty good rapport. I asked him to stay after class about an assignment and then told him wht i'd read. then i asked him point-blank - has anyone ever messed with you in any way? he said no. i asked again - i understand if you're embarassed - told him it could be other kinds of abuse - emotional, physical, verbal - that i'd been there and didn't want him to waste years of his life and then have it come back to bite him - like me. he needs to deal with it and get help. he said no again. told him whatever the issues he's struggling with - there is help available. don't try to do it alone. let him go, still denying...

Next day he was sick - parents came in to get assignments and becaus i told them i had another matter to discuss. Good talk - over an hour. they are aware f the problem - have him under prof care weekly and meds and lots more. they don't know what the root cause is - i believe them. they were glad someone else at school is aware and cares. sad case - really want to help - feel terrible bout it but cant do more than i have...

positive thoughts, suggestions, and prayers welcome - for BOTH of us!!!
lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#386411 - 02/19/12 01:01 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Whew...what a load this boy is carrying.

I think you've planted a strong seed, Lee. Maybe working in concert with the parents will provide this boy with the vision that a life-preserver is bobbing near enough for him to reach?

I have faith in you, in your wisdom, compassion and love for others. I know you will know what to do in moving forward. And this boy will benefit greatly from having what so many survivors didn't have: someone who notices his pain and is determined to pull him to safety.

What a blessing you are!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386441 - 02/19/12 07:43 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6704
Loc: USA


Edited by pufferfish (02/19/12 07:47 PM)

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#386483 - 02/20/12 04:46 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Thanks. If it's not sexual abuse, it's still gotta be some heavy trauma...

Needed this 3-day weekend to recover. Back to the battle on Tues. We've been covering pretty grim stuff in American Lit and between me and the Health teacher, we're keeping the school counsellor busy with referrals. Thank God for that lady!

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#386505 - 02/20/12 12:01 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thank you for caring... maybe just maybe he might come to you.


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#386506 - 02/20/12 12:06 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: Gretta]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Lee-

I wonder if the boy's denial of abuse could be that he's developed DID and the knowledge of the abuse is held within an alternative personality???

I have NO clue how you help with THAT, but the thought struck me, and so I'm sharing it with you.


Carry On and Remain Beautiful!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386797 - 02/22/12 08:47 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
I had to address the suicide issue again today because i handed back the assignment about the suicide poem from the day i couldn't handle it and gave them work to do on their own.

I stressed the fact that it is a myth that you shouldn't ask a depressed person if they are thinking about it because you will suggest it to them. Told them it was better to ask and then help them get help if they need it. At our school it is readily accessible because we have a counselor that the kids love and who has taught most of them. Told them i have seen a counselor about my "friend" who is gone and that it really helped me deal with it. Told them that they could save a life by not keeping secrets.

While i was saying this, the boy whose cutting has concerned me put his head down on his desk. He wouldn't look at me. I have a feeling another conversation is in our near future.

(Hero: His parents said there are other things going on such as OCD and more. I'll ask about the DID.)

If you are a person who believes in prayer, now would be a good time. If you think positive energy or thoughts are helpful, that's welcome, too...

Thanks,
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#386830 - 02/22/12 06:34 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Prayers fervently going this boy's way!

Thanks, Lee, for allowing God to use you to bring help to this boy!

Speak, Lord! Your servant, Lee, is listening!!!

Hugs-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386991 - 02/23/12 10:29 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Well, if I put myself in his shoes, which isn't too hard to do, he doesn't feel safe telling you, that it would make something better. It feels safer to be alone. I kind of grew up that way never feeling anyone was safe. So you have to grow the connection you have I guess. My parents were really good at appearances, in public one way, privately another, so I wonder about his. I think you can't know for sure what's going on there.

I guess I'd keep talking and just let him listen and watch for how it develops. Even if he never opens up, your concern is visible and that's huge. He'll remember that forever. It's got to be hard for you.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir díun mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis nť pour te connaÓtre, Pour te nommer
Libertť

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#387020 - 02/24/12 03:17 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: LandOfShadow]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Can's say much more except to remain available to him. Your a wonderful man Lee. You really are.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#388220 - 03/04/12 04:25 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: Jim1104]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Fri nite was a big event - my drama class performed for the public - mostly friends and family and students - but a full house. It was a great success - the kids did a superb job and i was so proud. The boy I have been concerned about was the male lead. He did so well and i am hoping this will help boost his morale and self-image. Everybody loves him - he's just the "perfect" young man on the surface. Shows what a great actor he really is... i think that's one of the reasons i identify with him so deeply.

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#388259 - 03/04/12 12:37 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
This is wonderful news Lee,
You are doing great job, you are awesome but we've known already that fact.
Giving attention and support would be very helpful to that kid!
I wish I've had such teacher smile .
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#388271 - 03/04/12 04:10 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: peroperic2009]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: England
Hi Lee,

Thank you so much for caring so much about this lovely boy - if everyone was like you, the world will be a safer place for kids.

From all you have posted here, that boy is definitely being abused. One thing that is sure is, it is a HUGE burden upon his young shoulders - he is unable to speak about it because:

1. He doesn't feel safe enough to speak to you - you went to him and not him to you. When he feels he can trust you, and feels less inhibited and afraid, he may come to you.

2. The person involved may be toooooo close for comfort and the revelation would change their lives forever!

3. He may feel responsible to keep the status quo so that he is not ultimately responsible for breaking down the equilibrium of his life as he knows it now - "now" though sad and terrifying, is less terrifying than an uncertain and very different "future". This sort is usually quite common amongst incest victims.

As LandofShadow has posted, you never know what the parents are like at home - I would distance myself a little if I were you, so that the boy does not see you as their ally, should they (or one of them) be the one(s) doing this to him.

In all, keep up the good work - you are a star, and may very well be his guardian angel. God bless you and I have both of you in my prayers.

The person who violated my son was the person he loved most in this world - he kept their secret for longer than anyone of us knew - but when he could bear the physical pain of the assault no more, he blurted it out one day, asking me to tell his Daddy to stop because it hurt too much! And he was a mere baby! That was the day my life (as I knew it) ended!

A Loving Mum.

_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

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#432743 - 04/28/13 12:26 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
this is an old thread - but i just learned of an appendix to the story - unfortunately.

the boy i was concerned about graduated and has moved on. i now have his ex-girlfriend, who is a year younger, in my classes. i now know that while he was in the relationship with her he was abusing her in various ways.

it hurts so badly to know that. i hurt for her - and for him. i am now more convinced than ever that he was also a victim. maybe i gave up too soon. or maybe his parents should have been more nosy. i don't know. i did what i though was right at the time. but i guess it wasn't enough.

moral of the story - trust your instincts.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#432901 - 04/29/13 06:09 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 94
Loc: South
That's sad to hear, Lee, but I'm so glad you planted the seed that others see and do care. So many victims and survivors are seen and revictimized by being ignored, and you didn't do that. You're awesome!

If all he knows is what he does, then perpetuating DV seems rational in his mind, as does the cutting. I hope your seed grows and he strengthens throughout the next few years and seeks out someone he trusts to get help.

I wish my guy had had an educator like you in his life.

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#433435 - 05/03/13 09:38 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 159
I just read this thread and I was sorry to hear the update. I donít think you should be so hard on yourself though. There is nothing more you could have done. You canít force someone to tell. But I just wanted to say there are lots of reasons people self harm. Not just abuse. I did read recently that people who were abused were 4 times more likely to self harm than people who havenít been, but Iíve seen other studies that showed that a large percentage of self harmers havenít been abused.

I know people who have done it for a whole lot of different reasons, like bullying, stress, depression, for attention (people look at that really harshly, but I donít see whatís so wrong with wanting someone to pay attention to you. You must be really lonely and desperate if thatís the only thing you can think of to do to get some attention.) Some girl I knew started because this guy broke up with her, to guilt him into getting back together with her. I know quite a few people who have used it to manipulate people they are in a relationship with.

I guess I am about the same age as the guy you were trying to help. Iím not sure but I think I probably would have denied everything if a teacher asked me directly. Itís weird to me that he would let people see his scars though. Most people try really hard to keep them hidden. I guess he was trying to say something by showing them. But you shouldn't feel bad, you really did everything you could.

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#433454 - 05/04/13 12:31 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
thank you, txb.

it does help - coming from your perspective.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
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