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#386319 - 02/18/12 11:54 PM Survivors mom
lostinheaven Offline


Registered: 02/18/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Colorado
Hello I am new here and find this to be an amazing resource which I am grateful to have now found!

My FI and I have been in joint and seperate therapy for a little over a year, he is also in a men's group for survivors. So we are fighting all this very hard!

I found out about his CSA after I uncovered an affair he had with a co worker for a year on and off. The night I found out and freaked out about the affair he was so raw he told me something he had never told anyone else.

I was broken and needed the person who made me feel better, him. So I asked him to hold me-he agreed. As he was holding me he began to sob. I told him I needed to know everything, that he couldn't keep any secrets from me if I was going to try and deal with the affair and stay. He broke and told me he didn't want to excuse for what he did or want any pity he had another secret-he was sexually abused starting at about 4 years old and it continued for a while. The abuser was his cousin who was only a few years older than him.

I cried harder than I ever have-but as I prayed and thought I knew I loved him in spite of the affair my heart was aching for him and I only wanted to hold him. We were at a therapist office less than 9 hours later.

He was abused near his families home in a rural town. His mother had another child about 2-3 years old at the time. He would be outside playing not far from the front door when the boy would come. All the times it happened his mother never once went outside or called for her young son. This is where I find my hardest struggle. I hate her! I hate her for not once calling her son to come in. For never checking what he was doing. The field (which I visited this last May) is still the same as he remembered it. Filled with cactus, snakes, and long pieces of wood. No where I would ever think to leave a child! How could she leave her small son outside without ever wondering where the heck he was?

My therapist always tells me that we can't expect others to act like we would or how we think they should have. But I struggle with her so much! Over this last year I have asked for her help three times. Telling her that I'm struggling with helping him, that he needs his mom to hold him-That I'm not enough. She would listen and tell me she would call or come over and never did! Not once for over 10 months did she ever ask her son how he was. She called to complain about her other children and ask for things, but always overlooked his pain. She is someone who always likes to be the victim and I don't think knows how to deal with the fact that she let her son down nor does she want to. She has asked him to forget about it. That it's better left in the past. Not understanding that he doesn't want to. All she has done is created bigger problems.

I don't go over their house anymore, I don't greet her or talk to her. It makes me so mad and sick to see her.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I know I'm hurting my fiance by having such trouble with his mom. Our families are so different and it's hard for me not to be able to just tell someone how I'm feeling. His family isn't a group that talks or expresses themselves.

Any ideas on how I can work to get over what she did and didn't do?

P.S (sorry for the long and angry first post, I've been waiting to find somewhere I could ask. I can't talk to him about it anymore without causing pain)


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#386324 - 02/19/12 12:49 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: lostinheaven]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((lostinheaven)))

Welcome, though I'm sorry you even need to be here!

Boy, oh boy, do I ever get you! My husband's first memory of CSA occured when he was 4-5 years old, left unattended outside of the apartment they lived in, which was still under construction (!). An older girl created a circle of shards of glass and other construction waste, took off my husband's little shoes, and placed him inside of the circle, rendering him a prisoner of hers. Where was his mother? His father?

Years later, when at the age of 16, my beloved ran away to escape the physical and mental abuse of his father, his mother came to his "aid" by having him legally emancipated so they wouldn't be legally responsible for him.

From there, he survived as best he could. He got work at a bar and grill that was frequented by (and owned by) gay men. As payment for his work in the grill, my husband was allowed to stay in a motel-type room that was above the bar. He wound up being prostituted to the bastards in the gay bar.

I certainly understand your rage at one who could have and who should have saved a child.

Inhale. Exhale.

I am quite sure my own adult kids wonder why I did some of the things I did while they were growing up. I'm sure they wonder why I didn't do this, that or the other thing. In hindsight, I clearly see how I could have done things differently, better. I am also positive I did the very best I could at the time with the knowledge, resources and life experiences I had.

If I know this, and if I expect my kids to believe this, then I must believe it is true for my husband's mother also. It is easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, but I wasn't on the field back when she was running her plays, so I don't know what was in her way or what was distracting her back then.

I could hop up onto my self-righteous soapbox and tell off my mother-in-law, give her a piece of my mind, berate her for not doing the great job that I "obviously" would have done, but what good would that do? How would that help my husband? What positive outcome would be possible from such an encounter? Nada. I would only serve as a destructive force.

Furthermore, my husband loves his mother. It pains him greatly when I express my thoughts about her. He doesn't share my anger, nor do I share the love the son has for the mother. Since it is his mother, and his past, of which I was not a part, any healing my husband feels he needs from her, must be obtained by him. My roll as his wife is to support him- not drive or push him.

A final thought for your consideration: Could it be that you just simply don't like his mom? Maybe you resent her and are frustrated with the family dynamics that are foreign to you? Could it be that your anger about her parenting then and now in the present is more about your own personal feelings toward her?? PLEASE know that I'm not accusing you; I'm just throwing this out as a possibility?

It's so hard to communicate effectively by type. I hope you will read this in the gentle, loving, compassionate tone with which I am sending it!

Keep Posting! Let it all out! Lots of people much wiser than I will have pearls of wisdom to share with you!

Wishing you peace and wisdom-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386325 - 02/19/12 01:05 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: herowannabe]
lostinheaven Offline


Registered: 02/18/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Colorado
Thank you for responding.....


I do understand that seeing the past we have lived and the decisions we made is always 20/20. I loved his mother and had a great relationship with her until the day he told her what happened (when she made his story all about her and her pain). That is why I was so shocked when I went to her for help and there was none. I counted myself so blessed to have a great relationship with my in-laws and his siblings.

Now I'm just so lost in it all. I feel alone drowning in all of this. I can't talk to him about a lot, so I don't hurt him or cause more damage. But it's so hard to not have anyone to talk to. No one else knows what happened besides his mother, father, siblings and I. I feel it is wrong to burden his younger siblings with what I know and how the nights and days are. I feel he will stop talking if I tell him.


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#386328 - 02/19/12 01:15 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: lostinheaven]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Have you sat down to discuss any of this with her? If not, is that a possibility? Would you be able to ask her to tell you about how their lives were, what was going on, back then? Would she be able to "paint" a picture for you that would allow you to gain a better grasp on the whys?

I do see much value in you wrestling with this. How your beloved was parented will greatly influence how he will parent. He may repeat history, or, like my husband, may swing WAY the opposite direction with his future kids. In spite of my husband's beatings at his father's hands, he never beat one of his four kids. However, he was a lot like his mom as oftentimes, he wasn't quite "there" for his kids.

I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed by this. I'm sure her apparent lack of initiative in dealing with this is a real disappointment to you. It is disorienting for you.





Edited by herowannabe (02/19/12 01:15 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386331 - 02/19/12 01:34 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: herowannabe]
lostinheaven Offline


Registered: 02/18/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Colorado
That is a great idea and I will have to see how open she is to that. I don't think much because of how she has been with him and wanting him to bury it. I will still try.

Right now she is gone. She has left to Mexico (where they are from) to get away from her life.

I am grateful for this too in some ways. Her children and husband have opened up. I know God has purpose in everything. We are stronger and more in love than ever before (been with each other for almost 6 years). I don't like feeling negative especially with her. I don't like the person I am with her.
I want to learn how to forgive her. He has so there is no reason I shouldn't be able to.


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#386352 - 02/19/12 04:21 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: lostinheaven]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Don't know what to say - my mom was unable to face the truth - she had to be aware of it. step-father didn't hide any of the physical or emotional or verbal abuse. The sexual stuff was more hidden and some of it that she knew of was more ambiguous but still abusive. But she just turned away and refused to acknowledge it. Eventually, as a kid, i gave up on trying to get help from her. Many years later, as an adult in my 30s or older, i asked her about some episode and she had absolutely no recollection of it. she had dissociated and that memory was truly gone - as far as she was concerned it never happened. just like i had for many years. i dropped it and never mentioned it again. we continued to visit her with the grandchildren after step-father died and be pleasant on the surface - but there was nothing real about the relationship from then on.

Maybe you can get her to accept the truth - maybe not. You can settle for less if you have to. My kids don't know of her betrayal and still love their grandma.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#386395 - 02/19/12 10:59 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: lostinheaven]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: lostinheaven
I don't like feeling negative especially with her. I don't like the person I am with her.
I want to learn how to forgive her. He has so there is no reason I shouldn't be able to.


Dear Lost,

This part of your share reminds me that we always fight harder for others, and that we demand they compensate equally for the hurt they have caused. Please remember it is what your partner needs, and while he may ask for little in the beginning of recovery, he will feel fully the relief recovery affords throughout the process till he, and you are victorious.

Think of this as a marathon with timed checkpoints and little goals, not as a full out sprint. Relief is coming,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#386399 - 02/19/12 11:19 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: SamV]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Quote:
Think of this as a marathon with timed checkpoints and little goals, not as a full out sprint. Relief is coming,
Sam


I hope they arent timed checkpoints.... just random checkins... and 1 main goal at the end and million billion little hurdles in between.

Thak You for sharing and being there for someone important to you!

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386400 - 02/19/12 11:24 AM Re: Survivors mom [Re: Treehugger75]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Ha! Right, I am happy to say that it does not seem to be a "hit or miss" one chance opportunity, Tree. Having patience to keep enduring in recovery will get us to the checkpoint on "time", with plenty of time to prepare to reap the relief rewards of that part of our recovery. We can then use the methods we have learned to keep recovering, to the next checkpoint, and on to victory.

Thanks Tree, and I completely agree, you are very special to your survivor, LiH, as a supporter, and you are very important to us here in MaleSurvivor. Thank you for supporting our fellow survivor,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#386449 - 02/19/12 08:44 PM Re: Survivors mom [Re: SamV]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I am constantly struggling with this.

When my husbands abuse came out and before any real memories of his father sexually abusing him we went to my mother in law. My H told her he had been sexually abused before he could say another word she said, " who your father?".

There is no doubt in my mind she knew and for many wrong reasons let it continue. She swears she didnt know and that it was just a knee jerk reaction. Really? I totally get being angry. She had already been divorced once and she didn't want the shame of a second. Everything had to look good from the outside. There house is Sooooo small give me a break.

My disgusting child molesting father in law is dead and that's really a good thing because I don't know how this would have played out if he were alive. Regardless I own my anger and try to keep it in check for my husband but if I need my space I take it. I don't force the relationship.

I also think back in the day our parents let us play outside without a second thought to the dangers. I am super paranoid now. My husband was abused by many older boys in the neighborhood and this mom didn't give a second thought to were he was. Had she paid attention he wouldn't have been abused.


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