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#386318 - 02/18/12 11:48 PM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:30 PM)

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#386320 - 02/19/12 12:10 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
I had amnesia about abuse and my childhood in general until I was in my mid-forties.

Puffer


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#386618 - 02/21/12 02:03 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
I am dealing with that now and am 40. I had one abuse incident where I remembered things right up to the event and then a blacked out memory of the actual event, however I had very deep anxiety about it, knowing that it was a really horrible event. I went through quite a bit of CSA grwoing up (mostly forced incest) but this one event was when I was 5 and involved my father figure.

I have been very lightly working on this event with a psychologist because we both knew it was most likely very serious. Then I started to remember more, then more, etc. We are taking a break at this point because I started to get PTSD symptoms, but I recognized it right away and told my psychologist and we both agreed to hold off for a little while and let the mind calm down.

The center event is still spotty as far as my memory, however it is slowly starting to come to consciousnous, and I remember other things now I have either blocked out or have just not thought of in years. Basically some CSA events, more clarity about other abuse that was non CSA, and even how it effected my life after certain events.

Basically the subconscious mind is very powerful and blocks out events that you are personally not able to deal with at a particular time. As you do more therapy and/or self help excercises you will start to remember more. It is imperative though that you have some kind of professional support in order to handle potential problems. Sometimes too much can be released too soon and it can be as scary as the actual event itself.

I am NOT a therapist, so please keep this in mind, so I can not give specific advice, but I can probably answer a few questions and am more than willing to do so.

Feel free to PM if you would like.

Be well, and best wishes on your healing my brother.

Alex


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#386777 - 02/22/12 12:57 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Forexpreneur]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
It's good that a lot of these memories come back gradually. They might wipe us out if they came all at once.

Puffer


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#386801 - 02/22/12 09:45 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Life's A Dream:

I have had some memories that were totally missing for long period of my life.
I have had others that i had only vague, foggy, non-specific memories or awareness of.
I have had some memories emerge gradually over time like a camera being focused slowly.
I have had others that returned suddenly and sharply like a light being switched on, in full detail and high definition.

Sooo... ask away - i'm pretty open about sharing anything. What ever i can do to help.

Regards,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#386804 - 02/22/12 10:02 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: traveler]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
My "amnesia" - was more of a distorted perception as opposed to total blocking out of memory. Coming to grips with the truth has taken on a whole new role in my life. I know its in there. But wresting with it has become more of a dance than a struggle. As long as the sonog is still playing I'll keep dancing. The bands just getting warmed up.

Quote:
I have been very lightly working on this event with a psychologist because we both knew it was most likely very serious. Then I started to remember more, then more, etc. We are taking a break at this point because I started to get PTSD symptoms, but I recognized it right away and told my psychologist and we both agreed to hold off for a little while and let the mind calm down.


Mine propel me into what some have described as a manic state. I accept the memories and let them go before i get to overly analytical. A cigareete smoked, a meal missed, dint have the significance i am attributing them. Not that I shouldnt also accept sometime in the future i wont be free of them. They arent ready to be dealt with, or so I'm told.

I hope i have helped in someway. I find it better to say what i feel rather that what i should think you should do. I dont wanna set a bar i cant flop over myself smile



Edited by Treehugger75 (02/22/12 10:09 AM)
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386807 - 02/22/12 10:43 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Treehugger75]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1564
I had abuse memories of several incidences. I was able to block them but every so often they would come back to haunt me, in a dream, intrusive thoughts but I was able to put them back away. I had several bad periods--one in college and during an illness where I would black out--deep dreams and nightmares for an extended period. I did not want them to be part of me and could pretend them away--not sure of the correct words to describe the blocking but Forexpreneur expresses it quite well (just like my T describes what has happened to me).

In my 50's all hell broke loose-I was going through an extended period of emotional turmoil and torment--I could no longer put the memories back in that part of my mind I buried them. I have now faced them and accepted them. I guess I always knew but blocked--


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#386847 - 02/22/12 10:07 PM . [Re: KMCINVA]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:30 PM)

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#386848 - 02/22/12 10:09 PM . [Re: KMCINVA]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:30 PM)

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#386850 - 02/22/12 10:10 PM . [Re: pufferfish]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:30 PM)

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#386873 - 02/23/12 12:41 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
LAD,

It's different with each person. Some never forget and are knowledgeable about their difficult childhoods even in their twenties. I think that's unusual. It's actually a defense mechanism that allows some to forget or have amnesia. Some went through such crazy stuff that they would be ill if they had to remember it all at once.

But to speed up the healing, which is of course justified, maybe several things could be done:

I probably needed some stronger medication. I appeared to my therapists to have everything under control. It wasn't that I was lying, but it was actually my dissociative defense mechanisms that fooled everybody including myself. My therapists somehow needed to lift my mask and to see the pain that was really there. Then that pain had to be handled with care because it was like having an explosive device attached to my vest. I made more rapid progress when I had light hypnosis and EMDR treatments. But talk therapy was essential too because the real me was trapped in a little steel box, or trapped behind an iron mask. I had to make new bridges with the real world.

To try to go too fast can be quite destructive. There is only so much pain that we can bear before we self destruct. It needs to be helped with some skilful therapy. Actually a great limitation I had was simply the lack of money to spend on therapy. Therapy is expensive. Insurance only helped a little bit. I had a family to support. As it was, I lost my job, ostensibly for other reasons but essentially because of the nuttiness of what I went through as a kid. The world around me was basically not supportive to healing. There were a lot of people who would point the finger instead of lend a hand.

Puffer


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#386915 - 02/23/12 10:03 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Life’s A Dream:

IMHO you are asking some good questions and are serious about working on recovery.

I’m trying to be systematic about this – so will quote your questions and then try to answer from my perspective. Keep in mind that though you may see points in common with some other people's stories, everyone is different - so you can't expect things to go quite the same way for you as for others...

Q - ** I just want to ask, so there was a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no? It's the period of time when you remember nothing that I'm most interested in. I'm just looking for as much de>
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#386992 - 02/23/12 10:30 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
P. S. - Here's an example of a "work in progress" - a partial memory that just came back to me today.

I was in one of the boy's rest rooms at school and no one else was in there becasue it was during classes. I don't know what triggered it - the smell of pee and disinfectant, the tiled walls, the position of the uninals on the wall, the echoing sound, "a certain slant of light," maybe even partly having thought so much about lost memories to write the post above - but suddenly i had a picture in my mind of the boys room at the middle school i went to. Before this i could not have even told you what it looked like. I lived half a block from school and went home for lunch and tried my best to avoid using the rest rooms at school, but just hold it and wait till i was home. Not that it was a safe place either - but at least there was only one perp there and the step-father was not there all the time.

Anyway - my vision was of part of the wall with urinals, the terrazzo floor, and the corner of one of the stalls with the door partly open, light from a high window reflecting off the floor under the stall partition, and pressure on my back...

That's all. I do wonder what came next, but at this point in my life, it doesn't make me crazy not to know. Maybe more will open up - or not - I'm OK with it either way. I don't have to open every can of pickled beets and taste them to know that i HATE beets. At this point, knowing the whole story of this memory fragment would just be more of the same as before. I know enough from other episodes to try to deal with it the same as the rest.

That said, i can understand how confusing and worrying it is not to remember anything - like you seem to be experiencing. I feel for you. If you can take it a little easier - push yourself less, maybe the decrease in tension will help?

best wishes...
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#387016 - 02/24/12 01:29 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: traveler]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Lee, I dont have clear memories of the pysical molesting that happened to me since most of it happened befire first grade, but i do remeber incestous behaivor. I just trusted my gut after going to an incest survivior meeting out of the blue to see what that was about. I was not aware then that I had been molested. Well the people started coming in and I broke down in sobs. i wongered what that was about. but I knew after that. And I applied that was molested and found it explaied every thing. So I sometimes think I made it up, but I know i did not and my intuition tells me exactly what was done to me. I have known now for 16 yrs.


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#387052 - 02/24/12 08:55 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I'm 56 and I still remember nothing. As long as I can remember I've known "something just wasn't right". I agonize sometimes about not remembering. But there have been times I've gotten close, like remembering shadows before one event - and I have a severe panic attack.

For a while I tried to just come to terms with maybe I'd never remember - but that hasn't worked either. Currently I'm in therapy just learning to cope with who I am - if I even know who I am. Memories, if they come, will come when it's time - I suppose.

Probably not exactly what you wanted to hear - but that's my experience.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#387065 - 02/24/12 10:44 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Life's A Dream,

There was a period of about 11 years when the memory of my abuse was buried in my unconscious mind. It wasn't until I felt safe (away from home at 19 yrs old) that the memory spontaneously popped into my mind one night when I was lying in bed. During the period of time when I didn't remember it, if asked if I was sexually abuse I would have said no, but I don't think it would have been a willful forcing down of the memory at all. As others have said, it is a defense mechanism to repress those traumatic memories until they can be dealt with or remembered in relative safety (for some, decades later). Once I really began talking about the abuse in detail other forgotten memories came back, but that was only when I had the opportunity to speak with someone who cared about hearing about what happened. Most people don't want to hear the details of what happened, which makes it harder to process the traumatic sexual abuse in my opinion.

Hope this helps.

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#387295 - 02/25/12 11:59 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
tohui Offline


Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 15
Loc: N Las Vegas NV
im having a form of amnesia, I can recall the event i can see it in my head. what im having problems with is the feelings, what did i feel then. strange thing is that i dont know what love is, I can describe it because I have read about it but i know i have never felt it. I think my head has repressed emotions and parts of the event to mask the pain. what doesnt change is the attitude towards life and others that is left behind. I am suspicious towards everyone and I cant talk to anyone past the age of 14 I always thought this was curious as I read these posts and examine myself It makes sense. i am 36 and my abuse started, from what i know, i was 3 or under. The more you talk about it the more likely it is that the pieces will come together. dont force your mind or it will shut more, let it come out slowly it takes time.


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#387310 - 02/26/12 04:33 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:29 PM)

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#387311 - 02/26/12 04:36 AM . [Re: tohui]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:29 PM)

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#387316 - 02/26/12 05:59 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Life's a Dream -

Don't worry about causing a memory to surface for me - not a problem. It was probably the location and other sensory details. Even if you did give a nudge, I'm glad it happened. In fact it was a very positive experience to realize that i can now handle not knowing everything. I quote from myself:

***I’m learning to accept what IS – and part of that is not just what happened – but also what I can’t do anything about… I am learning that it is NOT weakness or vulnerability to accept ambiguity or the inability to fix or control or force issues. There is actually strength in embracing the present and even “owning” the unknown.***

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#387723 - 02/29/12 02:15 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:26 PM)

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#387733 - 02/29/12 05:13 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
For me I remember being brutally molested by my aunt from when I was 6, off and on until I was 11 or 12 (I struggle with my time line). There were other perps I remembered, but a couple I didn't.

When I was asked by my first T if I was molested by my first step father, I said no because I didn't remember anything. However, I would also get an incredible feeling of terror and just saw black in my mind, literally. Like looking at a tv that is turned off. My body would also get even more tense and my flight response would kick in. I wrote it off as just remember being non sexually abused by him, because he was extremely physically abusive to me and I remembered a few of those events.

However, I used to have a recurring night terror. I was a really little guy (I was seeing this first person but felt like a small child. Hard to explain) but I would walk up to a door and that was as far as the night terror would go because I would always wake up in terror, sometimes screaming, but always shaking and sweating and a feeling of wanting to die.

I had this same night terror off and on growing up. When I was in my very early 20's I started to have it on a regular basis. When I started to have it almost every night for a couple of weeks I found my first T who specialized in child abuse because there were other night mares I had of this same step father beating me.

I told her about the dream and we started to work through the abuse a little trying to figure out what was so important about this night mare. We worked on other things surrounding him and the non CSA abuse (I still didn't realize he had sexually abused me at this time) but we would usually go back to the night mare.

After about 3 weeks of this she talked to me about hypnosis and how she thought that she should put me under hypnosis and go into the night mare very cautiously. I was scared to do this but I also knew that it could reveal whatever I was terrified of and of course work through it.

Sure enough, we go up to the door and I went into a terror state. She calmed me down and asked if I could open the door. I did and BAM, I had a rush of fragmented memories and bolted out of the hypnosis state and just wept. Wept like I had never wept before.

I only saw bits and pieces but enough to know that it was a rape event. We tried for about a month to learn more but that was as far as I could go and I had to stop therapy because I lost my job.

The nightmares stopped for a couple of years and then I forgot about it. Frankly I know I wasn't ready yet to deal with it.

Over time I started to remember quite clearly what happened just before the incident. But the actuall event was absolutely black to me, like a turned off tv. But the feeling of absolute terror was there.

I'm going through therapy again, and things have been getting clearer. I still can't remember much of the actual rape yet, but what I do remember is enough for now. I have to process what I know of the actual event in order to get deeper into what happened.

TRIGGER ALERT!!!






I do know this, I was gang raped in a Satanic Ritual at 5 yo. This was some kind of Hell's Angel initiation for my Step Father before he got his full patch (It seems initiations are different for each member, depending on what their role is, the individual, etc.). There were two adult males (one was my 1st SF who I thought was my real father) and 3 adult females. I was first analy raped by my SF, although I only remember the first penetration and my memory blacks out from there. There is also evidence that I was drugged but we can't pinpoint exactly what it would have been.

However, the memory picks back up with about an 11 or 12 year old boy bolting in and screaming. "Stop it! Stop it! You sick bastards!!!" Then he screams things that I don't exactly remember in detail and they all leave. He rushes to me and tries to calm me but he is panicking. He's trying to help but he's overwhelmed. He gets towels and starts to clean me up. I was tied up so I couldn't see things very well but he cleaned up my belly, my penis and my butt. I see blood on the towels.







END OF TRIGGER ALERT


There is much more detail of this event before and after but not worth stating here, and more memories pop up from time to time (I'm officially taking a break from working on that directly right now because it was reigniting PTSD).

I do know this. Everyone is different on what they can handle and what they can't. If it is too bad, yes a person will block out the memory and that is a natural defense mechanism for the mind. Your subconscious usually will only allow you to remember as you are ready. There are exceptions, but they are not all that common.

It doesn't mean that the crap we remember is easy. Hell no, we all know that too well. I'll tell you this though, if it came flooding to me at once when I was in my 20's I would have blown off my head to deal with the pain. I tried suicide when I was about 13 but there was some divine intervention. Someone wanted me alive. wink I'm starting to understand why as time goes by. smile

Alex


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#388206 - 03/04/12 12:48 AM . [Re: Forexpreneur]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:25 PM)

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#388213 - 03/04/12 02:18 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Hi Life. I myself do get truly afraid what the hell is in my head that I am not aware of. I had some incredibly sick things happen to me because my first SF (who I thought was my biological father) was a true sociopath, but I saw some things at a very young age that I have never told ANYONE. I trust my T and am very comfortable but I just do not want to even put the crap to words and luckily I don't remember the shit very often.

As far as "what if the molester was gentle?" I can only speak from what happened to me, and it certainly does not mean this is the case with you. I want to try to keep this brief, but I also want to give you enough detail to possibly help you so I will put a trigger warning for others.

!!! Trigger Warning !!!!







I had an incident when I was 11 or 12 (my time line is still foggy and screwed up) during a church summer camp. I loved summer camps and was in Boy Scouts and have awesome non CSA memories. The only incident was this church camp of all friking things.

Anyway I couldn't swim as a kid. The camp went swimming so I stayed behind. As far as I know I was the only kid that stayed and the only adult I know who stayed was a minister in his later 20's. Good looking guy and very nice. I actually kind of had a crush on him and wanted to actually be with him. Be careful what you wish for.

Anyway, he came over to me and asked if I wanted company. Well, yes I did. We go to his cabin (most the adults had cabins, we kids had tents). Anyway we go into his cabin and everything was very nice. We started talking and after a little bit he put a hand on the inside of my leg.

I actually wanted this and smiled. He gently kissed me and the cloths started to gently come off. I allowed him to undress me which I actually really liked. It was all actually very nice, and in my mind sweet. He gave a little oral and so did I. That is what and how I remembered the incident.

Here is the thing Life, that was my whole memory. Overall, I remember it as being very mutual, but I had what I thought was a lot of guilt.The guilt made sense to me. I WANTED it and it was with a young minister.

However, there was a part that my mind had hidden from me. It was mostly sweet and I did want it. One day I was going through an in depth sexual history questionnaire and of course I put this in there. This questionnaire makes you ask if there are any feelings of guilt, uneasynous, etc. It helps you to dig deeper than you normally do.

After struggling what the feeling was with this memory I put myself into hypnosis (I am a certified hypnotist and a Zen Buddhist) and went through the incident in my head. What was odd to me is the ending was missing time.

It went from oral to being outside dressed. Huge RED FLAG! It didn't make sense because why was there a part missing. I still didn't think anything bad happened between us and like I said I did want to be with him so I was confused.

I went back through it a few times, same stuff. Then all of a sudden the memory went a little further to where we were laying down on his bed. I didn't remember that part. There was a lot of cuddling and he was very gentle. He even gently turned me on my stomach and assured me everything was ok, all I had to do was ask him to stop.

He then entered me anally and I yelped in pain. That is when everything changed. He pushed my head onto the bed to muffle me and he didn't stop until he came. He went from being gentle to not caring after he entered me.




!!!! END OF TRIGGER !!!!!!




My T and I haven't been through this incident because there are more immediate things, but I think why that last part was blocked was because I WANTED to be with him and wanted it to be a nice thing, not being F'n raped. Everything was nice up until the end. That is what I WANTED to remember so I did.

I know that's a lot of detail but I wanted you to see that it was actually very friendly but didn't end that way. I wanted a non harming incident with a male adult and I got it until the end. That was more than I wanted to remember so I think that is why I didn't.

I'm not a therapist but I think red flags are when there are black holes in a person's memory and shit I have so many it scares the crap out of me. Also another red flag is a nervous feeling about a "good" memory. There should only be good feelings with a good memory. That's it.

I certainly don't want to scare you brother, not at all. Remember a Red Flag is only a red flag. Doesn't mean that it's right, it's just a reminder to look at things closer. Maybe there is just excitement surrounding the event and that causes shame. The mind is so damn complicated and intricate it is just incredible.


I hope this helps brother. Feel free to ask more questions if you need. I hope I don't go into too much detail, but I'll be honest, it helps me too in other ways.

Alex



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#388304 - 03/04/12 11:40 PM . [Re: Forexpreneur]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:24 PM)

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#388315 - 03/05/12 01:35 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream

At 10-11? How early did you start feeling attraction like this to adult men?... I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable asking. If I am, I understand.


I have memories from roughly 7 where I was looking at adult men's faces and then their crotch and making a decision if I would run or not if there was an advance. It wasn't like I was wanting it more than preparing for it I guess.

I would say I was about 10 when I started to actually want it and I fantasized about it. I know 10-11 is quite young but I also sexually matured early too. I was 10 when I came the first time. It is kind of embarrassing but I also have to acknowledge it and realize it was how I was dealing with the CSA from such a young age. After the minister that was it as far as being a kid and wanting to be with an adult (never fantasized about women).

After 12 I didn't have sex with ANYONE, even my age bracket, male or female until I was 19. I had one incident when I was 16 with a male close to my age (he was younger) but we didn't have intercourse because he got scared and we stopped. He initiated it but also ended it too. I went my entire High School years not dating anyone let alone having sex.

Kind of odd, I was a friking tart as a little kid (more acting out than anything I think) but after 12 I actually became sexually guarded. My T and I talked about going from promiscuous to sexually guarded just last session. Not in a lot of detail but we did cover it a little and is something we are going to discuss further.

Not the sexual norm I know, but being sexual taken advantage of at 5 is going to cause someone to do things out of the norm. Thank God I don't view sex with anger or violence, I actually view it as being very loving once I get over my initial fears wit a new partner. I just am very cautious of who I allow to take me sexually these days and I haven't allowed anyone in quite some time.

Oh one last thing you mentioned "I ask because I remember wanting to be around them, but being very acutely afraid of being alone with them because I was sure they were lusting after me at the same age. Adult men, I mean." Personally I KNEW that many men wanted to be with me I was that sure. I always found myself looking for an escape route and where there were things lying around that I could protect myself just in case. I haven't remembered that stuff in a long time actually. Really an F'd up way to grow up that's for sure.

Feel free to ask anything else. If it's too sensitive of a question I'll be nice but will let you know that it is for me. Thank you brother. Heal well.

Alex


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#388384 - 03/05/12 04:28 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: traveler]
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
Great topic. I've followed the format of traveler's responses.


Q - ** I just want to ask, so there was a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no? It's the period of time when you remember nothing that I'm most interested in. I'm just looking for as much de>

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#388449 - 03/06/12 12:01 AM . [Re: Forexpreneur]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:23 PM)

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#388509 - 03/06/12 08:13 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1564
When I first read this thread, I was cautious, because I knew I had buried memories. I did not have total amnesia, because at times the memories would surface and I would beat them down, until I no longer had the will or strength to let them out.

My T said as I heal and accept the abuse more of the memories and details would become clearer to me. He was warning me of more pain as I moved forward in having both sides recognize and accept each other. We are working on that, I had fears that the child where all the memories of abuse were buried would be too much for me too handle, but I have learned the most painful part was accepting the abuse and the memories. The memories will always be there, because they are part of me.

Over the past several days, comments about my acting out were said to me, my memories did not go to the acting out but rather to the abuse, I could see it and am beginning to recognize why what happened in the home impacted me--I never truly understand why being spat on sent me off (I do think it is a heinous act and a crime in some states) until last night, I was fighting the priest and he spat on me and said if I said anything my family would suffer and they would think I was an ungrateful son. I gave in and did what he told me. It sickens me but I am ok today, handling it with affirmations and writing. I guess it is like everything, once you let the guard down, anything can cross.

The lost time, I have seen very small parts, and my T says the memories are with the child, it was his time to control while the other part left to protect itself from the past. There were times I would come back and be in strange places, not knowing why I was there or how I got there. My T says the memories will come, but maybe not all--it depends on how much I want to let the child out.

I guess through some strange mechanism in the mind we control how we handle these memories to some extent but I believe in some way the memories to some degree control us until we let them out. And everyone says letting them out is good for the person--I only realized that after all the pain--I wish I had accepted the memories sooner and my life would have been different-but it is what it is and I know we all can do it and move forward and heal.




Edited by KMCINVA (03/06/12 08:31 AM)

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#388514 - 03/06/12 09:33 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
KMCINVA -

Sounds like good solid progress.
Good work! Well done! Congratulations!
I see strength and courage in your words.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#388517 - 03/06/12 10:10 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1564
Thank you. I am working hard and have to keep reminding myself that I cannot let the past control--it is my future and the abusers no longer are in charger. All the support I have received here, support groups, my T, and other wonderful people I have shared my abuse with--has been instrumental in getting me here. But as I read here, we all can stumble and I am ever aware of that--

Lee, keep going yourself--you have made great progress--I am proud of what you have achieved in the healing.


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#388585 - 03/06/12 10:11 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Is it normal to think adult men want to do this to you when you're 10?


Normal for whom? wink I don't think it's that abnormal for those who survive CSA at a young age. If nothing happened, no it's not in the norm, however it's not a certain sign that there is blocked out CSA but it is certainly a Red Flag.

To me a Red Flag means to stop, look, listen and investigate and then investigate more until I figure out what it's all about.

You are starting to question memories in your life brother and that is a good thing because it means that on some level you are ready to found out the TRUTH! wink

Keep asking questions to yourself and also this board. The truth is brother, from my young tart days I can't think of a boy I boinked who wasn't molested to some degree. I have talked to my T about this a little because I swear we were a magnet for each other.

I only had sex with the one adult by choice, but I did WANT to have the experience of willingly being with an adult and wanted it to be safe and a non rape event. Remember, to me rape=violence. Any adult having sex with a child is still technically rape but I was looking for a non violent event with an adult. Yes I did find certain adult men a turn on as a boy. Partly it's due to the fact that I am truly gay but like my T said it was partly due to the fact that I was trying to right a wrong and it was also a learned behavior wanting to be with an adult as a child.

Alex


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#388636 - 03/07/12 03:19 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
MaxEnnis Offline


Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 9
Loc: San Francisco Bay Area
"was there a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no?"

Absolutely. It made no sense to me that I had the psychological profile of a person who had been sexually abused when I knew perfectly well that nothing of that sort ever happened to me. I was in my 40's when the perpetrator drunk-dialed me and told me.

Ah. Now it makes sense. I still have no concrete recollections of what he did to me. But now I have a place to put all those weird fragmented little disjointed flashbacks where I never saw his face and never would have dreamed it was him.


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#388637 - 03/07/12 03:32 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: MaxEnnis]
MaxEnnis Offline


Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 9
Loc: San Francisco Bay Area
Originally Posted By: MaxEnnis
"was there a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no?"


Absolutely. It made no sense to me that I had the psychological profile of a person who had been sexually abused when I knew perfectly well that nothing of that sort ever happened to me. I was in my 40's when the perpetrator drunk-dialed me and told me.

Ah. Now it makes sense. I still have no concrete recollections of what he did to me. But now I have a place to put all those weird fragmented little disjointed flashbacks where I never saw his face and never would have dreamed it was him.


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#400043 - 06/10/12 07:49 PM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I had amnesia about abuse and my childhood in general until I was in my mid-forties.

Puffer



Your mid 40's?! God, I'm 28 now. Do you think it's at all possible that I could speed the process up? I mean, did you have a period of time where you wanted to know but couldn't remember if you tried?


I had a lot of memories. The one from 12-yr-old was extremely traumatic. I experienced abuse at a young age and in-between ages and then.... I'm not sure I could have endured the memories before I gained some inner strength.

I could say a lot more about this but sometimes it's TMI (too much information).

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (06/10/12 10:33 PM)

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#400083 - 06/11/12 12:02 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Considerable healing is possible. There are some things that will speed it up. But if you go too fast it might backfire, so you almost need some professional help here.

When my memories came up there wasn't an MS. At that time there weren't even books written for guys who were abused. So now there are a lot of resources. I felt very alone.

One of the best things to organize your mind is to write out your story and read stories of other guys.

Puffer

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#400111 - 06/11/12 11:32 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
I was 57 when the memories started to become pronounced. There were indicators throughout my life but I paid them no mind. If its any help, my therapist told me that each of processes our abuses and our reactions to those abuses when we are ready - no sooner, no later.

I was 2 and my biggest obstacle is expressing events and feelings that, when experienced, I had no vocabulary to express. Imagine. I didn't know horror until I experienced it and even then I had been told that is what it was. Some of my memory is body memory. Everything is bits and pieces. Everything has to be questioned. You have no idea how much I envy you guys who remember it clearly.

My points are, 1. take at your own pace, 2. be attentive, persistent, and diligent in acknowledging and processing what memories do come to mind, and 3. be patient and kind with yourself. You've chosen not to stick your head in the sand however there is no rush. Recovery needs to be effective. Like I said, you guys are in your 20's and 40's, and i envy you so much. Throughout my life I have tortured myself with self-hatred which I thought had no source or foundation. Oh, the hints were there and i ignored them. You guys did not.

Bless you.
T

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#421330 - 01/07/13 12:29 AM Re: From total amnesia to spontaneous recall [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I had amnesia about abuse and my childhood in general until I was in my mid-forties.

Puffer



Your mid 40's?! God, I'm 28 now. Do you think it's at all possible that I could speed the process up? I mean, did you have a period of time where you wanted to know but couldn't remember if you tried?


Definitely. For one thing you're here in MS. You already know something of what you've been through. When I was a kid, nobody ever talked about abuse, but it was prevalent in scouts and other places. So you really need to find a therapist you can trust and who can help you remember stuff in a controlled way, where the memories are defused as they come up. There are lots of trustworthy therapists out there. We have a directory of therapists here in MS. Without a doubt your issues from the past are causing your present symptoms.

Puffer

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#421335 - 01/07/13 12:40 AM . [Re: pufferfish]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 08:53 PM)

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