Thank you. I am working hard and have to keep reminding myself that I cannot let the past control--it is my future and the abusers no longer are in charger. All the support I have received here, support groups, my T, and other wonderful people I have shared my abuse with--has been instrumental in getting me here. But as I read here, we all can stumble and I am ever aware of that--

Lee, keep going yourself--you have made great progress--I am proud of what you have achieved in the healing.

Normal for whom? I don't think it's that abnormal for those who survive CSA at a young age. If nothing happened, no it's not in the norm, however it's not a certain sign that there is blocked out CSA but it is certainly a Red Flag.

To me a Red Flag means to stop, look, listen and investigate and then investigate more until I figure out what it's all about.

You are starting to question memories in your life brother and that is a good thing because it means that on some level you are ready to found out the TRUTH!

Keep asking questions to yourself and also this board. The truth is brother, from my young tart days I can't think of a boy I boinked who wasn't molested to some degree. I have talked to my T about this a little because I swear we were a magnet for each other.

I only had sex with the one adult by choice, but I did WANT to have the experience of willingly being with an adult and wanted it to be safe and a non rape event. Remember, to me rape=violence. Any adult having sex with a child is still technically rape but I was looking for a non violent event with an adult. Yes I did find certain adult men a turn on as a boy. Partly it's due to the fact that I am truly gay but like my T said it was partly due to the fact that I was trying to right a wrong and it was also a learned behavior wanting to be with an adult as a child.

Alex

"was there a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no?"

Absolutely. It made no sense to me that I had the psychological profile of a person who had been sexually abused when I knew perfectly well that nothing of that sort ever happened to me. I was in my 40's when the perpetrator drunk-dialed me and told me.

Ah. Now it makes sense. I still have no concrete recollections of what he did to me. But now I have a place to put all those weird fragmented little disjointed flashbacks where I never saw his face and never would have dreamed it was him.

Absolutely. It made no sense to me that I had the psychological profile of a person who had been sexually abused when I knew perfectly well that nothing of that sort ever happened to me. I was in my 40's when the perpetrator drunk-dialed me and told me.

Ah. Now it makes sense. I still have no concrete recollections of what he did to me. But now I have a place to put all those weird fragmented little disjointed flashbacks where I never saw his face and never would have dreamed it was him.

I had a lot of memories. The one from 12-yr-old was extremely traumatic. I experienced abuse at a young age and in-between ages and then.... I'm not sure I could have endured the memories before I gained some inner strength.

I could say a lot more about this but sometimes it's TMI (too much information).

Puffer

Considerable healing is possible. There are some things that will speed it up. But if you go too fast it might backfire, so you almost need some professional help here.

When my memories came up there wasn't an MS. At that time there weren't even books written for guys who were abused. So now there are a lot of resources. I felt very alone.

One of the best things to organize your mind is to write out your story and read stories of other guys.

Puffer

I was 57 when the memories started to become pronounced. There were indicators throughout my life but I paid them no mind. If its any help, my therapist told me that each of processes our abuses and our reactions to those abuses when we are ready - no sooner, no later.

I was 2 and my biggest obstacle is expressing events and feelings that, when experienced, I had no vocabulary to express. Imagine. I didn't know horror until I experienced it and even then I had been told that is what it was. Some of my memory is body memory. Everything is bits and pieces. Everything has to be questioned. You have no idea how much I envy you guys who remember it clearly.

My points are, 1. take at your own pace, 2. be attentive, persistent, and diligent in acknowledging and processing what memories do come to mind, and 3. be patient and kind with yourself. You've chosen not to stick your head in the sand however there is no rush. Recovery needs to be effective. Like I said, you guys are in your 20's and 40's, and i envy you so much. Throughout my life I have tortured myself with self-hatred which I thought had no source or foundation. Oh, the hints were there and i ignored them. You guys did not.

Bless you.
T

Definitely. For one thing you're here in MS. You already know something of what you've been through. When I was a kid, nobody ever talked about abuse, but it was prevalent in scouts and other places. So you really need to find a therapist you can trust and who can help you remember stuff in a controlled way, where the memories are defused as they come up. There are lots of trustworthy therapists out there. We have a directory of therapists here in MS. Without a doubt your issues from the past are causing your present symptoms.

Puffer

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