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#386540 - 02/20/12 04:07 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
It is the hope that keeps us there as well as the fear


Oh so true! From a supporter's viewpoint, I stay because:

- I hope to be my husband's hero, his steadfast support.
- I hope to become a better human being for the experiences.
- I hope to live the rest of my days with this beautiful soul I call my beloved.
- I hope to one day smile at the road behind me knowing it was worth every single step, every single tear.
- I hope to be a good model for my kids as they embark on their own marriages. When they reach their own tragedies, I hope they'll draw on my husband's and my example of working through it and not running away in terror.
- I hope to help others, to encourage them to be their best selves in the face of utter destruction.
- I hope to have a marriage that is infinately better than ANY I could have dreamed of for having grown together through this chaos.

- I fear failing in this. I fear I will grow tired, and will push away this cross and in doing so will have told God, "no, thanks".
- I fear not accomplishing work that only me, myself and I can accomplish by going through the hard stuff.
- I fear the thought of giving up, then years down the road running into my beloved with his new wife, healed, happy and whole, living the life I wanted to live with him. Had I stayed.
- I fear showing my kids my weakness instead of showing them my strength, and the very real work it takes to be strong.
- I fear failing in the mission God gave me: To be true to my wedding vows- NOT because I fear punishment, but because I fear the remorseful defeat I'd feel in failing myself.

I love your post, KMC! Thank you for it!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386542 - 02/20/12 04:24 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: KMCINVA]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Wow, I can't thank you all enough. Some things you said have really resonated with me.

First off, let me say we are in therapy, both seperately and together. We both do 12 step meetings and work our own programs. As for as being married to a sex addict, I can say that I am probably one of the lucky ones in that my husband has a program and works it.

Sometimes, though, I feel really bad about myself for staying. I was traumatized when this all came out. Really too traumatized to do much of anything but try to survive and keep my kids and family going.

Now I don't know. It is so fricking painful. We, wives, have been placed in some insane, confusing and crazy situations and it is so PAINFUL! Never knowing what really is because of all the lies is incredibly scary, scarier than I can ever say.

to quote.....Lucy, only you know how you feel, what others feel is not important, they do not know the details, your inner feelings, fears, concerns or what you truly want for the future. You have to live your life.

Okay, pre-d-day, this wouldn't have been an issue. Now I don't know what I feel. I was always the most confident person but am afraid my ability to make good choices is gone. These lies have robbed me of my confidence in myself. That is a huge TRAGEDY!

Dar....

Are they truly Remorseful? I think so but hard to trust my perception.

Are they just trying to appease you? Probably, people pleaser is his middle name.

Are they really changing? I think so. He has taken some risks and shared some hard things with me.

Are they working on them selfs to heal? I think so but again hard to trust my perception.

Thanks for your clarifcation, Phoenix. That means alot. It would actually be easier if he was physically abusive. I could defend myself against that and it is black and white so much easier to walk. I have never been in that situation so i wouldn't know.

Whome, thanks for the response about master manipulator comment really helps. You really can't even imagine the things that have happened so how could I have know he was lying.

Jim, therapy, 12 steps, you name it, we do it.

I keep thinking though, what if my kids were in a relationship like this......I would do anything to get them out of a life like this so why is it good enough for me.

And ladies, I wasn't trying to exclude you all. Please chime in....

And also a great big thank you for no rude or smartass comments. It has been a very negative experience on this board lately. So thank you thank you thank you.


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#386545 - 02/20/12 05:00 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: lucylives
...If you acted out in horrendous ways against us or our marriage and have lied over and over, what do you think about us for staying and trying to work through it?

Do you think we are too weak to leave?
Do you think we are stupid for believing the lies?
Do you think we are stupid for staying?

What are your thoughts on us and why we stay?
...


I have been watching this thread for a couple of days now. I can only say my experience. When I told my ex-wife of the acts I had committed which were against our marriage, NO reason could have saved our marriage. BUT, we living in a very conservative state in the north central part of the US at the time and it was 21 years ago. I would have never expected her to understand. When I did admit (became honest) about my behavior she said "GET OUT".

I am glad you wonderful ladies are there for your guys.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#386561 - 02/20/12 06:44 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
Hero:

Your list -
***From a supporter's viewpoint, I stay because:...***

Beautiful! We can ALL learn from that - survivors and supporters...

Nearly speechless,
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#386569 - 02/20/12 07:35 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I asked my husband these questions because I never thought of them. The answer that made me lol was to "am I stupid for believing his lies". He said he thought he was a really good liar. He said he knows I want to make it work for our kids but he hopes that I will eventually want to make it work for him.

I didn't think I was stupid. I'm no match for deceit once you are in my inner circle. I'm suspicious of strangers but not loved ones.

I did/do worry that staying makes him likely to do it again. For me to tell him that I can't go through this again feels like a threat and not a good thing to say when healing but I think he knows how much this took out of me and how very badly I wanted to leave.

I too worry about what I am showing my kids. On the one hand I'm modeling hard work and forgiveness, but on the other, I've been mistreated, disrespected, and no one should have to tolerate that, particularly from your spouse.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#386578 - 02/20/12 08:17 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: GoodHope]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
YES HOPE! We are modelling hard work and forgiveness but being mistreated and disrespected. It is a never ending dilemna.

Hero, that is nice that you want to be his hero. I want my husband to be MY HERO by facing his issues head on and being courageous even when it is so scary.


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#386585 - 02/20/12 08:39 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
My husband gave me a card when I let him come back - a beautiful card about an oak tree losing all of its leaves in the wind, but with roots so deep and strong, that nothing could move it. It was the most amazing card I have ever received.

I think I am weak for taking him back. He thinks I am strong. He readily admits that he could never do what I have seemingly been capable of. I say seemingly because I don't know if I can. I really want to...


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#386592 - 02/20/12 09:35 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: KMCINVA]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Now, I have a question for all the supporters/spouses here:

Who is your absolute all time hero?

I admit to having a very rocky relationship, but I have to say that the greatest all time hero for me is Jesus. Yeah, it had to be the guy that a lot of people believe is the son of God, but I am not going to go all religious on everybody. You could also say that Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Moses and even Mohamed could easily be someone’s all time hero. How about John the Baptist and the prophets of the world’s great religions? Would they qualify?

What do you survivors think of them? Most, if not all of them went through tremendous persecution, but kept coming back for more. Some even paid the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus was crucified. Ghandi was beaten and reviled as were the others I mentioned. John the Baptist had his head chopped off and Jeremiah was thrown in a well.

Against such tremendous odds and betrayal, all of these people stayed true to that which they believed in, even if it meant they would die or otherwise suffer.

So, thinking back to the question you asked Lucy, I would ask you:

1. Was your greatest all time hero too weak to leave their circumstances to find an easier softer life? I can’t answer that for you, but I would not exactly say the people I just listed were weak.
2. Ok, many of these people did not technically believe lies that they were told. I imagine, though, there were times when those who were not divine did believe someone who ultimately betrayed them.
3. How stupid do you think the people I mentioned above were? Surely, the smart thing according to their society would be to go with the flow and not turn the world upside down. They all had the intellect to probably succeed in whatever they do, but they followed the path that their heart told them was the right one for them and their people. I tend to think they were among the wisest people who ever lived. I can tell you without reservation that, in my belief, Jesus was the wisest man who ever did or will live, but the world thought he was stupid. He even proved it when he let himself be killed on a cross, if you believe the conventional wisdom of the time.

If, then, these people were to be admired for doing something that most “sane” people would think was “insane”, I cannot think of any reason why I, or you, should think any differently. In the end, it only matters what you think about yourself. It only matters that you protect yourself, you children and live by the values that you profess to believe. I don’t know why you stay. I don’t know why anyone else stays. I choose to believe that you stay for the right reasons of love and integrity. I choose to believe you stay because you want to make every attempt to keep the vows that you made, despite what we did to you.

There is no stupidity or weakness in that – none at all.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#386595 - 02/20/12 09:44 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: Jim1104]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Wow, Jim. Greaat food for thought. I am gonna think about all this.


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#386597 - 02/20/12 09:48 PM Re: Question for survivors..... [Re: Jim1104]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Originally Posted By: Jim1104

If, then, these people were to be admired for doing something that most “sane” people would think was “insane”, I cannot think of any reason why I, or you, should think any differently. In the end, it only matters what you think about yourself. It only matters that you protect yourself, you children and live by the values that you profess to believe. I don’t know why you stay. I don’t know why anyone else stays. I choose to believe that you stay for the right reasons of love and integrity. I choose to believe you stay because you want to make every attempt to keep the vows that you made, despite what we did to you.

There is no stupidity or weakness in that – none at all.


<3 <3 <3

That is the EXACT reason I stayed. And just like all the people you mentioned, I sometimes don't want to do what is required but I'm looking past my immediate circumstances because God has many promises for me, I just have to obedient and trust Him, even when I can't trust "him".

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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