How did other gay men react in the community to your rape?

Ive had mixed experiences. Some have been kind and supportive others absolute jags... even trying to fuck with me by playing porn reminiscent of the rape at a social setting. I didn't react outside, but inside was quite triggered.

There are days I feel like I am not worthy of love- the one who raped me seemed amused that he raped a top; i couldnt fight back. he took every ability away from me, and now... I feel broken.







There have been people that have said the most awful things,
it doesnt inspire confidence or hope that i can get better this time.

I've find that most gay men I've talked to about my molestation were either molested themselves and were therefore more removed from the way it made me feel, where just so removed from it because of poisonous pedagogy and because they had already been using coping mechanisms that worked for the child, but inhibited the adult from any emotional growth. There was no empathy whatsoever to what it did to me physically or emotionally. And I can empathize with you 100% with what you are feeling.

I don't know your story but I assume that this happened to you as an adult and not as a child like me. But you should note that even though our assaults happened to us at two different points in time, we share those same feelings about not being worthy enough to be loved. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I would suggest you try to find a support group of other men in your position, who are looking for that validation and that empathy that is actually quite rare in the gay community, but then the same could be said for society overall I suppose. One guy I was dating, who was raped by his older brother, actually told me he was very good friends with him and how he supported him ever since. He assumed it was because it was his older brothers way of apologizing. I looked at it as a way of his older brother trying to keep his little brothers mouth shut, by doing good deeds for him and quilting him in case he was thinking about telling his mother ("But John, I've been such a good brother to you. Remember how I helped you move to NY?"). My own brother, while being an asshole to me his whole life, defended me every time someone was trying to pick a fight with me. In the past, he'd just let me fight my own battles, but I think he did that just so that I'd either forget about what he did to me in that basement or because he thought his good deeds would outweigh that MONUMENTAL bad deed he did at 12 years of age.

This is going on way too long, but I know you could benefit so much more from being in a group that feels the exact same way you do and understands why he feel the way you do, rather than trying to find it in other men who have trained themselves (some for many years) to ignore how they really feel and thus sabotage their own body in the process. And to the ones that poked fun about your rape? I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened to them. Your just the first to be man enough to admit it. Ditch those losers because they won't help you get where you need to be. I hope you will look for a steady support group though and with luck there may be one already set-up in your city.

Stay fresh and Stay golden, Tyr.

in the past (in my 20s/30s) far more gay friends would not discuss than those who would. if i may quote ''too many to count'' gay friends when i brought up the topic, "i don't remember my childhood" they'd say. red flag to me...

today - my two gay friends, which is all i have, know about my story and they have asked very specific questions in the course of conversations, but since that is not a pressing issue anymore, there isn't much to say.

Thanks for replying guys.

1. I don't care for a group, one on one is fine.

2. In my situation, my rape has been outed so to speak, and I have gotten messed with and tested and its been draining.

So i guess I am asking what happens when you can't keep it private and its outthere and I cant stop the information

In my experience the reaction from men is pretty well split, whether gay or straight or bi or whichever. Some can cope with it, some will listen, some won't or can't.

One thing we need to be careful of is not letting ourselves be revictomized by people pushing for information or with information. Strong words "I'd rather not discuss it at this time" or some-such might help? Even "if you're a friend you'll drop this now" might work??

markk. not really. no the people already know and have been taunting me in apssive aggressive and even overtly threatening manners. records have been compiled and police notified but its getting unsafe

This isnt about just how one person might have said something triggering or off hat as a comment.

Multiple contacts in the community have been told a very perverted version of my rape scenario in which I have been portayed as a bery uncredible negative and other not kind words.

that is what i am asking.

has any survivor here endured "the second" rape revictimization as an adult and if so what did you do to counteract it??

It has turned out that here are very few people on my side. the world has risen up and defended the other guy and its because they are charismatic likeable and network in social circles. due to the rape ive isoloated and tried to heal with varying success. it seems like even when i win i lose. and i hope this makes more sense.

This is the reaction I'm petrified of. My rapist is beloved where I am, so to the few people I've told I just say I don't know who it was. It makes me feel awful, but I know that I may lose any support if I call him out publicly. I don't know how to handle it besides lying.

Mike, that sounds very hard to deal with. I hope you can find people to support you who perhaps don't have any close connections to his social circle. I guess I have to worry and wonder that he may be someone who will harm others. Have you thought of going to law enforcement? Or, feel guilty you haven't? But I hope you don't. It's not your fault what he did. It's not your guilt but his 100%. I just want you to be ok and heal.

People may be well liked but they might also be animals. And even a well liked hunting dog needs to be shot in the head once it gets rabies and is dangerous.

Cue if you went to law enforcement, kudos. If you didn't...

In either case NEVER lie. It will come back to bite you. However don't give all the details to anyone.

For example if Sean is a 40 yr old who did xyz12345 and it caused injury or 45678... consider telling people things like

'it's too soon to get into all of it', 'Sean... yes... he did it and I cant get into all of it with you, maybe not ever. '

be prepared for kick back. but never lie.