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#3860 - 08/02/06 09:06 PM That Which was Stolen from Us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Guys Andys post got me thinking about this old post and I wanted to bring it back up for the new guys here. So much has been Stolen from us.

Thanks for shareing.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#3861 - 08/02/06 09:33 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tom,

This is an important topic. I have given it some thought and I think the greatest harm done to me was the systematic destruction of my feeling of worth as a boy. This led me to accept some horribly sadistic treatment by the abuser, robbed me of so much of my childhood, and made me turn to a lot of self-destructive behavior in later years in my efforts to numb out and forget how much I hated being me.

But what I have discovered as I recover is that the legacy of even the worst abuse cannot defeat a determined survivor's will to heal. Many of the things I thought I had lost had only been locked up out of my view. It hasn't been easy to reclaim these, dust them off, and put them to use again, but I am willing to try and I already think I like the results.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#3862 - 08/02/06 10:00 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
what was stolen for me? more like ripped from me ,taken against my will.first he tok my freedom,then he took my innocence,then he took my body,then he took my mind.maygbe the question should be what did he give me?what did he teach me? he gave me permanant scars and injuries,he gave me guilt and shame,he gave me a life of selfdoubt and self blame,hge gave me anger,hate and disgust,what did he teach me? he taught me how not to cry,he taught me how not to feel,he taught me that love is something other people have ,he taught me to trust no one,he taught me what it means to be alone ,truly totaly completly alone
i lost my family ,my childhood ,my life as i knew it.i was placed into foster care hell ,taken from everything i had known.i became a problem child in the juvinile system,a bad kid .he stole my ability to care ,he stold everything.also he was arrested ,jailed ,did his time a whole 7 years, got out ,as a model prisoner,and hurt another kid within a few months.7 years for the life of an 11 year old boy.who only wanted to grow up happy.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#3863 - 08/04/06 05:57 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
He stole my future. Before my abuse I had a great interest in human anatomy, and I could name every organ in the body when I was in 3rd grade, I knew a lot of the bones too. I remember wanting to be a surgeon. That's all gone. I could have contributed so much more to this world and to the lives of other people. So he didn't just hurt me, he hurt all the other people in this world that I most certainly would have helped.


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#3864 - 08/04/06 09:45 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
I would say freedom and self-identity.

The incidents of CSA became this gigantic black hole that more and more of my life growing up into an adult became sucked into. The distinction between being an African-American adolescent going thru crap, or a gay adolescent going thru crap or a plain ole adolescent going thru crap(LOL) and a CSA survivor going thru crap became blurred. The main fear I faced in revealing what had happened to me was to be only seen as a CSA survivor from that moment in the eyes of the people I confided in.

I would say what was stolen was giving myself permision to live and flip out and fuck up and go off the deep end and truly love and truly reveal all of me and truly come out of hiding and truly be me which sometimes, I fear, I don't know who that is at all.

CSA survivor is the only identity I feel unfairly thrust upon me to the point of utter frustrstion and anger. I feel I can wear being gay like a cloak or wear being African-American like a cloak but I drown in being a CSA survivor.

I wanna be someone's friend, lover, confidant, homeboy not Jay, that CSA survivor. That's what I mean by stealing of identity.


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#3865 - 08/05/06 12:30 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
My abusers stole my confidence, my pride in myself and my willingness to excel or stand out of the crowd for anything. I've worked past many negative effects of the abuse; but the drive to succeed and be noteworthy is something I'm still working on.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#3866 - 08/05/06 01:03 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
guitarguy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/11/05
Posts: 12
Loc: Canada
i would say, although it has become a filmic cliche, loss of innocence.

the idea that I a five year old kid had the burden of 'protecting' the lives of the people who loved and protected him. so much so that i complied with the abuser's threat/demand for over 15 years.

i slowly fell into a common routine: i went into the shadows. if no one noticed me, no one would look. only once in my entire childhood did someone come close, but with no succes for both of us

ive decided that i will deal with the emotional scars i have been left with, that i will never again forget. but i also remember that dwelling on these memories sent me into the worst headspace ive ever and hopefully will wver be in.

_________________________
how are you?

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#3867 - 08/05/06 07:05 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
I meant to add the Timeline of Memory was stolen also. There are some things that happened in my life I would probably like to remember but cannot. There are wonderful experiences in my past I do remember in a similar way as my sister does when reminiscing about childhood, with the most important stuff intact and some minor details sorta hazy. Then the CSA is either indistinct to the point of being nonde>

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#3868 - 08/05/06 02:31 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
Kenn Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Stolen

-a sense of my own physical boundaries
-the idea of my sexuality as simply a gift (or a "given")
-a desire for true relationship with a significant other (manifests as "why bother?")
-the will to succeed (getting by has been good enough; quitting fine too)
-trust
-self-confidence
-self-esteem

...all of which I am trying to get back.

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#3869 - 08/10/06 01:04 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
Muldoon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys lots of good info here. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#3870 - 08/13/06 01:20 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
My perp stole a big chunk of my life. What could I have done if I wasn't spending so much time and energy dealing with my abuse? I don't really know but he stole that chance.

I used to be mean to little kids, my nieces & nephews because I didn't want them to get close to me. I didn't trust myself because back then it was thought that if you were molested you would be a molester yourself.

So I guess he stole my childhood, my ability to enjoy the childhood of my family and the lost of enjoying the childhood that will never be. I'm old and have no relationship and my dream of raising a family is fading. It's hard for me to let go of this goal, dream, whatever you want to call it. Did my perp steal this dream from me? He definitely put a lot of obstacles that kept me from acheiving it.

Some things I can overcome but time and age are a reality.

Sunny


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#3871 - 08/13/06 10:00 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
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Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if you can go to poetry and images see my post there are two of them in one post is a picture of me before the abuse,thats what stolen from me ,i can NEVER EVER BE THAT KID AGAIN. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#3872 - 08/14/06 01:05 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
WalkingSouth Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
He stole my enjoyment of life. Before the abusers got hold of me, I loved life. I loved the sunshine and the green grass. I loved the breeze and the singing birds. I loved to run and have fun with my brothers and sisters.

The moment the neighbor kid started in on me, the sun no longer shown for me and the birds no longer sang for me. Playing was always overshadowed by this dreadful feeling of guilt and shame.

He stole my ability to enjoy life, but guess what?

I'VE GOT IT BACK NOW!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#3873 - 08/14/06 01:51 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
self worth.
Drifting through life achieving very little with no ambition or goals. I think this comes from just a general lack of care and interest in myself.

The loss of my emotions and the ability to be intimate with a lover. I would love to have a girlfriend but my intimacy issues make this very hard.

Not being able to trust people. Synical outlook.

Now I know and understand more why I feel like I do, I can tackle my problems instead of hiding them.


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#3874 - 08/14/06 10:48 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
surfdude Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
I forgot something so important. My disclosure and recovery work plus acting out took a toll on my marriage. I lost the love of a wonderful lady who I loved very much.

This thread has gotten me very angry as I think about the things I lost.

Sunny


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#176722 - 08/29/07 03:19 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: surfdude]
Muldoon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Bringing this back up because of what Andy posted today. Think that it is important to think about all that was Stolen frtom us

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#176743 - 08/29/07 06:21 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
sabata Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thge ability to like myself--------------which leads to caring for myself


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#176753 - 08/29/07 07:50 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tom,

I look back to my reply of just over a year ago, and I smile to see where I was at that time. It astonishes me to see what a difference a year can make: for example, back then I could make only the vaguest allusions to some of the worst problems yet to be faced.

So much of the harm done to me by abuse I now see as damage I have been able to repair. It is possible, for example, to regain one's sense of worth and restore a balanced perspective on our place in the world and where the future will take us. In the area of feelings, if we will just allow ourselves to acknowledge and talk about those feelings, however painful they may be, we are well on the way to discovering ways of rejecting the many false lessons we learned as abused boys.

So those things I don't think of as having been stolen from me, if by "stolen" we mean taken away without hope of recovery. But yes, there are three things that I know were stolen from me, and I guess these hurt more than anything else, simply because I know I can never recover them.

The first was the innocence with which I deserved to go through childhood and develop into an adult. I deserved to grow up feeling worthwhile and and lovable; it was my right to live without fear, not wondering when the next rape would be or feeling ashamed every time I approached the bathroom mirror or afraid whenever I had to undress. I deserved to enjoy playing games and having childish fun, as opposed to planning when and how I would take my own life. I should have been able to hang out with friends without agonizing over whether they could tell what was happening to me just by looking at me or whether they would abuse me too if they had the chance.

The second thing I lost was my right as a child and young man to develop a balanced view of myself as a sexual person, in a way that felt comfortable and fulfilling. Instead, I was taught that sex is what an adult does to a child when he wants to torment, shame and humiliate him. I learned that this was all I was good for and that it was the only real thing in my life. I learned to use sex as a way of proving my own worthlessness and lack of any right to respect. My right to discover sex innocently, experiment with it as a child, and rejoice in it as a young man were all stolen from me.

The last thing I think was stolen from me was my right to explore the spiritual side of my being in peace and tranquility. Instead, God became for me the one who abandons children, refuses to answer their prayers no matter what they pray for, and allows a trembling frightened boy to endure the foulest degradations imaginable even in the church itself. When I was 9, our church was a fun family place where I sat with my friends and learned about God and his plan for my life. By the time I turned 11 the church had become the most unsafe place in the world for me.

All these are areas I am working on as an adult, but that's the key loss, isn't it? What was stolen forever was my right to explore all these parts of my life as a child and as a young man. I have been able to recover so much as I heal, and for that I am thankful. I'm happy to have that and am willing to work with whatever progress I can make. But what I will never have is the confidence and self-assurance that comes from developing these areas slowing and naturally through the early part of my life, building up meaningful life memories and lessons about these things that I can look back to and draw strength from later on.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176968 - 08/29/07 06:02 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Amen Larry, Amen.

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#176971 - 08/29/07 06:12 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Lazarus]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
had some time to think since this first came up ,what was taken from me? my first kiss ,that nervous feeling of kissing a girl that crazy excitement,my first crush on a girl ,my first love ,holding hadns and having it seem like something so daring ,asking a girl out instead of looking at her and walking the other way,going to a school dance and not standing in a corner by myself ,going to a school dance at all ,learning to drive cause my dad taught me instead of learning to drive cause i stold my fosters car and wanted to go home .going home to a safe bed instead of back to the dorm where night was hell , walking into a church and feeling good not feeling like either i or the cuhrch itself should burst into flames , all my firsts ,thats wahat was taken all my fucking firsts shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#176980 - 08/29/07 06:56 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: shadowkid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
*****triggers*****

Adam,

Your heartbreaking post add the cruel details to what I mean when I talk about the three things I lost. Your honesty challenges me to think about some of these details and what I thought at the time:

Hugs from my Dad: These will end when he finds out and throws me out, like the abuser says he will if I tell.

Kisses from my Mom: Why doesn't she see what's happening to me?

First dog: If I tease her and make her life miserable Mr **** will stop threatening to run her over unless I do what he wants.

Caring for my sister: I hope she's not the one who finds my body.

First vampire flick: I bleed like that too.

First hunting knife: I can cut my wrists with this.

First communion: Mr **** already gives me that.

First time holding a girl's hand: She must feel how dirty I am.

First ejaculation: Tears. Mr **** says this means I like it.

First caress from a girl: Not there. I'm gonna be sick.

Camping: What if Mr **** knows where we are and drags me away in the night.

First experience with death (grandfather): God did this because he hates me.

First kiss from a girl: No "old" taste.

First oral sex from a girl: I do this better than she does.

Stargazing with astronomy class: The teacher brought me here to fuck me.

First real job: He hired me so he can fuck me.

First time making love to a girl: No feelings. At all.



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#176990 - 08/29/07 07:44 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Yes, a painful post for sure. It does feel better to get this stuff out of the sealed vault where they are kept secret for so long though.

The chance to be "normal".
The ability to feel.
The ability to be emotional.
The ability to place my happiness above others.
The ability to connect, on an emotional level.
The almost total inability to remember even being a child.

And to think that he took all this away, without me even knowing pisses me off the most. I should have known, and so should someone else!!

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#177015 - 08/29/07 08:38 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: emptydreamer]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Oh god, Larry... You should have put a SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING on that one... You HAD to reming me. The names have been changed and a couple of the details, but you've poked your finger sharply into my deepest regrets. That Son Of A Bitch! Arrrrghhh!

Sorry, I think I've had all I can take tonight... Sometimes just coming here can be so painful...

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#177025 - 08/29/07 09:02 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

ugh...i cant stop crying....

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#177085 - 08/30/07 12:04 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Frog]
n52nimbus Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 29
All which has been said: Innocence, trust, self-worth, ambition, confidence.

Funny, though: I think the thing I most regret is not having that wonderful, innocent "first love" and to have really explored intimacy and sexuality healthily as an adolescent.


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#177088 - 08/30/07 12:10 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: n52nimbus]
n52nimbus Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 29
OK. . .I know this is "Off-Topic", but when I said what had been stolen, my mind just automatically also went to what I've gained.

What I've gained is perspective.

I know it's doesn't matter a damn what kind of house I live in, or car I drive, or how expensive my clothes are.

What matters is how I treat my daughters; my wife; my dogs. What matters is what kind of world we leave for future generations.

Without the trauma and abuse, I'm not sure my priorities would have been the same.


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#177189 - 08/30/07 01:49 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: n52nimbus]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Lots of good input .Thanks guys

Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#177193 - 08/30/07 02:13 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I WANT MY CHILDHOOD BACK...THE ONE THEY STOLE FROM ME....

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#177221 - 08/30/07 05:03 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Frog]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow definately a tough thread.

Lost was the right to not look at caring, compassion, trust, intimacy, sexuality with disgust. Funny eh, all the good things in life, so I've heard.

At the start of the summer of 86' I had my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first time holding hands. It was magical. I felt like I could do anything and life was going to get better and better. I felt alive and free and ready to explore the world. By the end of that summer I would hate life, hate myself, hate the world. I would be ashamed of my body, ashamed of my sexuality, ashamed that I could ever want what my assaulter wanted. It leaves a bitter taste that I had only a few fleeting months to grow up they way I was supposed to before it was all ripped away. Lost = everything, I lost me.

I'm going to get it back, I didn't die I just fell into a coma for 20 years. I feel like I'm waking up and maybe, just maybe a little of that magic is still left out there somewhere waiting for me.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#177267 - 08/30/07 07:28 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: mogigo]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I hear you Mike...

I lost the innocence a child is supposed to have. When my friends were out playing football, I was inside screwing my best friend. When they went camping, I went looking for someplace where I could have sex outdoors. They did all the usual things that teenagers do, I always did it for sex. Hell, I joined the theater group because a guy gave me a blowjob behind the sets one day, and i figured there must be more where that came from.

My adolescent and teenage years were obsessed with sex. I lost the chance to see the rest of what was going on.

Sorry to say,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#177276 - 08/30/07 07:53 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Lazarus]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11182
Loc: Denver, CO
Good point Adam. Many of my 'firsts' were stolen too, and replaced with a long list of 'nevers.'

What was stolen:

A normal perspective of male-female relationships
My self-confidence / self-worth
The chance to desire a wife
The chance to have a family of my own

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#177286 - 08/30/07 08:39 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Lazarus]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ric,

Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Oh god, Larry... You should have put a SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING on that one


Yes, you are absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me and sorry I failed to think of that. I was just so tired last night. Anyway, I have added the warning now.

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#177386 - 08/31/07 11:31 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
seekingblue Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 14
What was stolen:

-The comfort of innocent physical contact.

-The ability to trust and connect with other people.

-Innocence

What I gained:

-The instinct to flinch and pull away when I'm touched.

-A giant wall between me and the world, equipped with machine gun posts and barbed wire.

-A gross, hairy man satisfying his desires with a child on a bathroom floor.

-Being a worthless piece of shit.


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#177394 - 08/31/07 11:53 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
"My abusers stole my confidence, my pride in myself and my willingness to excel or stand out of the crowd for anything. I've worked past many negative effects of the abuse; but the drive to succeed and be noteworthy is something I'm still working on." - melliferal

It's that way for me too! The last thing I feel like being is noteworthy. I want to disappear. Don't do anything for me or say anything to me - just let me do what I have to do and move on. Praise is worse than criticism. And please, please don't ever give me a gift.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#177400 - 08/31/07 12:26 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: kellygtx]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
TRIGGER!!


What was stolen from me? me...who i should have been, every experience a child should have, every experience that a teenager should have.....

He destroyed me and from that point I was never the same...I wasnt me.

He created a weak, insecure, angry, shamed, beaten down, paranoid shell of a boy who was disgusted with himself and tormented day after day and who used sex to get people to like him.

What I gained: Paranoia...Inability to ever have a normal relationship...D.I.D....E.R.D...depression...the ability to destroy anyone with words...the ability to completely push away anyone who trys to help....The inability to accept myself....The ability to mistrust anyone....The ability to give good Blowjobs...A pain tolerance that can over come any pain I go through...that ability to scream silently....the ability to stop tears from falling...need i go on? Dont think I will....it would fill too much space.

What a good fuckin deal...I got more than i lost.....who else wants to sign up for THIS BULLSHIT!!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#177403 - 08/31/07 12:31 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. *DELETED* [Re: Muldoon]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#177455 - 08/31/07 05:45 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: krayoss]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Sorry about my earlier post...bad day.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#177520 - 08/31/07 09:20 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

Originally Posted By: pain4ever
Sorry about my earlier post...bad day.


Yeah I know what you mean, but you know what? It's good you said all that. Now it's "out there". Not festering inside to harm you in so many ways. And anyway, I look at your points and I keep thinking, yep, me too, yep, that one as well...

You're not alone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#177531 - 08/31/07 10:34 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
MY SOUL WAS TAKEN FROM ME

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#177535 - 08/31/07 11:08 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
what was taken from me?
the ability to smile
the ability to be touched without flinching
the ability to sleep at night without being afraid
i remember my friends talking about their first times them bragging about having sex and how great it is...
the idea that sex is good was taken from me
my pride and dignity was taken from me.

But i am starting to learn that i can take those things back that were stolen from me ....at least some of them.


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#177552 - 09/01/07 01:34 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: theatrekid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My willingness to give a shit about me, my future, my relationships (or lack of), WHATEVER.

Instead of having drive, conviction, and direction in my life as I grew up, I merely stumbled along, went with the motions, and didn't do very well.


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#178317 - 09/05/07 12:55 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Yes, freedom, innocence, worth, self-confidence, dignity, even humanity were stolen from us. Through abuse, I decided I was always 'less than' and couldn't measure up. I felt like I had to apologize for even walking the same planet with other people. I came to expect poor treatment from everyone around me, to distrust what people said, to watch my back, to wonder when the next bad thing would happen, to be leery of any success, to avoid even eye contact lest someone see how pitiful I was.
Thank God, many of these things aren't nearly as true today. But innocence won't be regained, childhood can't really be relived, and it may be a while before I don't feel dirty, or like 'damaged goods'. Choice was taken away long ago. For me, this translates to being uncertain whether any dream is worth pursuing (or even possible).
I know that God, and my friends have a much better view of me than those things. Those who love me always seem to think more highly of me than I do (okay if it keeps me humble, not okay if it's only about shame and loathing). Anyway, that's all I have for now.

Ed


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#310047 - 11/11/09 07:08 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: copenbay]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
im filled with profound compassion for all of us, even though we were stolen and cheated doesnt mean we cant live what we have left of life to its fullest extent. "live well" thats the best revenge,.

_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#310049 - 11/11/09 07:51 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: Hauser]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
What was stolen from me?

a normal sex life.

a normal life.

What was given to me?

shame.

isolation.





Edited by Casmir213 (11/11/09 07:57 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#310052 - 11/11/09 07:55 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: Casmir213]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
I can relate to this and certainly I have lost things because of what happened (heck, I know I lost a lot). But I'll never know the alternative of what could have been so I try my best to make the best of what I have to work with. Sure, I'll have days where I struggle but to the best that I am able I will try for something better. I just don't know what else to do about it.

Eric

BTW, what did I lose? A healthy sense of sexuality, the ability to chase my dreams, possibility of a family among other things. So yeah, I lost some stuff but I will work to make the best of what I can and it is open as to where that might all lead. I guess the point is that I am not giving up even if there are days when it feels helpless which I certainly have.


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#310084 - 11/11/09 11:04 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: ericc]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
This is such a great topic.

All the things listed above I checked every box.

Yeah what was stolen from me.

My self worth, my happiness with life, my good nature and positive spirit, my happiness with the world, my friends I had.

My friends were stolen and then I was tossed out like a used kleenex to fend for myself.

Now I'm lost, no compass, not passion, no drive, nothing, it's all gone that's "that guy"

Now I can't trust myself anymore, I can't believe in myself any more, I'm just so frustrated by it all.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Charlie.


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#310292 - 11/13/09 02:21 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: Charlie24]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
This is interesting to me, too.

A few years ago, I would have related to it totally. Now for some reason I don't feel like things were stolen from me.

The way I see it now is that something happened to me. Then in reaction to that something I started acting and thinking about certain things in particular ways. The abuse was part of that process and I as thinker and actor was part of it.

I see my father as responsible for the events and their immediate aftermath. but I was the one who didn't make the moves for the missed relationships, I was the one who did this or that other thing (whatever it might be).

Weird how thoughts can change over time.

Danny


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#310311 - 11/13/09 05:57 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. [Re: Muldoon]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Originally Posted By: n52nimbus
What I've gained is perspective.

Without the trauma and abuse, I'm not sure my priorities would have been the same.


ah, gotta love the words of our awol brother. he's busy making lemonade.....

yum!

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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