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#176980 - 08/29/07 06:56 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: shadowkid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
*****triggers*****

Adam,

Your heartbreaking post add the cruel details to what I mean when I talk about the three things I lost. Your honesty challenges me to think about some of these details and what I thought at the time:

Hugs from my Dad: These will end when he finds out and throws me out, like the abuser says he will if I tell.

Kisses from my Mom: Why doesn't she see what's happening to me?

First dog: If I tease her and make her life miserable Mr **** will stop threatening to run her over unless I do what he wants.

Caring for my sister: I hope she's not the one who finds my body.

First vampire flick: I bleed like that too.

First hunting knife: I can cut my wrists with this.

First communion: Mr **** already gives me that.

First time holding a girl's hand: She must feel how dirty I am.

First ejaculation: Tears. Mr **** says this means I like it.

First caress from a girl: Not there. I'm gonna be sick.

Camping: What if Mr **** knows where we are and drags me away in the night.

First experience with death (grandfather): God did this because he hates me.

First kiss from a girl: No "old" taste.

First oral sex from a girl: I do this better than she does.

Stargazing with astronomy class: The teacher brought me here to fuck me.

First real job: He hired me so he can fuck me.

First time making love to a girl: No feelings. At all.



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176990 - 08/29/07 07:44 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Yes, a painful post for sure. It does feel better to get this stuff out of the sealed vault where they are kept secret for so long though.

The chance to be "normal".
The ability to feel.
The ability to be emotional.
The ability to place my happiness above others.
The ability to connect, on an emotional level.
The almost total inability to remember even being a child.

And to think that he took all this away, without me even knowing pisses me off the most. I should have known, and so should someone else!!

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#177015 - 08/29/07 08:38 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: emptydreamer]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Oh god, Larry... You should have put a SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING on that one... You HAD to reming me. The names have been changed and a couple of the details, but you've poked your finger sharply into my deepest regrets. That Son Of A Bitch! Arrrrghhh!

Sorry, I think I've had all I can take tonight... Sometimes just coming here can be so painful...

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#177025 - 08/29/07 09:02 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

ugh...i cant stop crying....

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#177085 - 08/30/07 12:04 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Frog]
n52nimbus Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 29
All which has been said: Innocence, trust, self-worth, ambition, confidence.

Funny, though: I think the thing I most regret is not having that wonderful, innocent "first love" and to have really explored intimacy and sexuality healthily as an adolescent.


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#177088 - 08/30/07 12:10 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: n52nimbus]
n52nimbus Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 29
OK. . .I know this is "Off-Topic", but when I said what had been stolen, my mind just automatically also went to what I've gained.

What I've gained is perspective.

I know it's doesn't matter a damn what kind of house I live in, or car I drive, or how expensive my clothes are.

What matters is how I treat my daughters; my wife; my dogs. What matters is what kind of world we leave for future generations.

Without the trauma and abuse, I'm not sure my priorities would have been the same.


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#177189 - 08/30/07 01:49 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: n52nimbus]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Lots of good input .Thanks guys

Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#177193 - 08/30/07 02:13 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I WANT MY CHILDHOOD BACK...THE ONE THEY STOLE FROM ME....

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#177221 - 08/30/07 05:03 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Frog]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow definately a tough thread.

Lost was the right to not look at caring, compassion, trust, intimacy, sexuality with disgust. Funny eh, all the good things in life, so I've heard.

At the start of the summer of 86' I had my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first time holding hands. It was magical. I felt like I could do anything and life was going to get better and better. I felt alive and free and ready to explore the world. By the end of that summer I would hate life, hate myself, hate the world. I would be ashamed of my body, ashamed of my sexuality, ashamed that I could ever want what my assaulter wanted. It leaves a bitter taste that I had only a few fleeting months to grow up they way I was supposed to before it was all ripped away. Lost = everything, I lost me.

I'm going to get it back, I didn't die I just fell into a coma for 20 years. I feel like I'm waking up and maybe, just maybe a little of that magic is still left out there somewhere waiting for me.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#177267 - 08/30/07 07:28 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: mogigo]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I hear you Mike...

I lost the innocence a child is supposed to have. When my friends were out playing football, I was inside screwing my best friend. When they went camping, I went looking for someplace where I could have sex outdoors. They did all the usual things that teenagers do, I always did it for sex. Hell, I joined the theater group because a guy gave me a blowjob behind the sets one day, and i figured there must be more where that came from.

My adolescent and teenage years were obsessed with sex. I lost the chance to see the rest of what was going on.

Sorry to say,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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