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#3870 - 08/13/06 01:20 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
My perp stole a big chunk of my life. What could I have done if I wasn't spending so much time and energy dealing with my abuse? I don't really know but he stole that chance.

I used to be mean to little kids, my nieces & nephews because I didn't want them to get close to me. I didn't trust myself because back then it was thought that if you were molested you would be a molester yourself.

So I guess he stole my childhood, my ability to enjoy the childhood of my family and the lost of enjoying the childhood that will never be. I'm old and have no relationship and my dream of raising a family is fading. It's hard for me to let go of this goal, dream, whatever you want to call it. Did my perp steal this dream from me? He definitely put a lot of obstacles that kept me from acheiving it.

Some things I can overcome but time and age are a reality.

Sunny


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#3871 - 08/13/06 10:00 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if you can go to poetry and images see my post there are two of them in one post is a picture of me before the abuse,thats what stolen from me ,i can NEVER EVER BE THAT KID AGAIN. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#3872 - 08/14/06 01:05 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
He stole my enjoyment of life. Before the abusers got hold of me, I loved life. I loved the sunshine and the green grass. I loved the breeze and the singing birds. I loved to run and have fun with my brothers and sisters.

The moment the neighbor kid started in on me, the sun no longer shown for me and the birds no longer sang for me. Playing was always overshadowed by this dreadful feeling of guilt and shame.

He stole my ability to enjoy life, but guess what?

I'VE GOT IT BACK NOW!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#3873 - 08/14/06 01:51 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
self worth.
Drifting through life achieving very little with no ambition or goals. I think this comes from just a general lack of care and interest in myself.

The loss of my emotions and the ability to be intimate with a lover. I would love to have a girlfriend but my intimacy issues make this very hard.

Not being able to trust people. Synical outlook.

Now I know and understand more why I feel like I do, I can tackle my problems instead of hiding them.


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#3874 - 08/14/06 10:48 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
I forgot something so important. My disclosure and recovery work plus acting out took a toll on my marriage. I lost the love of a wonderful lady who I loved very much.

This thread has gotten me very angry as I think about the things I lost.

Sunny


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#176722 - 08/29/07 03:19 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: surfdude]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Bringing this back up because of what Andy posted today. Think that it is important to think about all that was Stolen frtom us

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#176743 - 08/29/07 06:21 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Muldoon]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thge ability to like myself--------------which leads to caring for myself


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#176753 - 08/29/07 07:50 AM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tom,

I look back to my reply of just over a year ago, and I smile to see where I was at that time. It astonishes me to see what a difference a year can make: for example, back then I could make only the vaguest allusions to some of the worst problems yet to be faced.

So much of the harm done to me by abuse I now see as damage I have been able to repair. It is possible, for example, to regain one's sense of worth and restore a balanced perspective on our place in the world and where the future will take us. In the area of feelings, if we will just allow ourselves to acknowledge and talk about those feelings, however painful they may be, we are well on the way to discovering ways of rejecting the many false lessons we learned as abused boys.

So those things I don't think of as having been stolen from me, if by "stolen" we mean taken away without hope of recovery. But yes, there are three things that I know were stolen from me, and I guess these hurt more than anything else, simply because I know I can never recover them.

The first was the innocence with which I deserved to go through childhood and develop into an adult. I deserved to grow up feeling worthwhile and and lovable; it was my right to live without fear, not wondering when the next rape would be or feeling ashamed every time I approached the bathroom mirror or afraid whenever I had to undress. I deserved to enjoy playing games and having childish fun, as opposed to planning when and how I would take my own life. I should have been able to hang out with friends without agonizing over whether they could tell what was happening to me just by looking at me or whether they would abuse me too if they had the chance.

The second thing I lost was my right as a child and young man to develop a balanced view of myself as a sexual person, in a way that felt comfortable and fulfilling. Instead, I was taught that sex is what an adult does to a child when he wants to torment, shame and humiliate him. I learned that this was all I was good for and that it was the only real thing in my life. I learned to use sex as a way of proving my own worthlessness and lack of any right to respect. My right to discover sex innocently, experiment with it as a child, and rejoice in it as a young man were all stolen from me.

The last thing I think was stolen from me was my right to explore the spiritual side of my being in peace and tranquility. Instead, God became for me the one who abandons children, refuses to answer their prayers no matter what they pray for, and allows a trembling frightened boy to endure the foulest degradations imaginable even in the church itself. When I was 9, our church was a fun family place where I sat with my friends and learned about God and his plan for my life. By the time I turned 11 the church had become the most unsafe place in the world for me.

All these are areas I am working on as an adult, but that's the key loss, isn't it? What was stolen forever was my right to explore all these parts of my life as a child and as a young man. I have been able to recover so much as I heal, and for that I am thankful. I'm happy to have that and am willing to work with whatever progress I can make. But what I will never have is the confidence and self-assurance that comes from developing these areas slowing and naturally through the early part of my life, building up meaningful life memories and lessons about these things that I can look back to and draw strength from later on.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176968 - 08/29/07 06:02 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: roadrunner]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Amen Larry, Amen.

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#176971 - 08/29/07 06:12 PM Re: That Which was Stolen from Us. Part 3 [Re: Lazarus]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
had some time to think since this first came up ,what was taken from me? my first kiss ,that nervous feeling of kissing a girl that crazy excitement,my first crush on a girl ,my first love ,holding hadns and having it seem like something so daring ,asking a girl out instead of looking at her and walking the other way,going to a school dance and not standing in a corner by myself ,going to a school dance at all ,learning to drive cause my dad taught me instead of learning to drive cause i stold my fosters car and wanted to go home .going home to a safe bed instead of back to the dorm where night was hell , walking into a church and feeling good not feeling like either i or the cuhrch itself should burst into flames , all my firsts ,thats wahat was taken all my fucking firsts shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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