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#385980 - 02/16/12 05:15 AM Survivor question
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Has any one who acted out sexually just stopped acting out after disclosure. Wtihout a single relapse just stopped acting out after they disclosed?

How many of you had at least 1 relapse after disclosure and if so, how severe was the relapse.

How does everyone feel about the saying "Relapse is a part of recovery" Is that a valid statement?

If you acted out, what kind of response would you like to have from your wife after your post disclosure relapse.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#385990 - 02/16/12 06:54 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Has any one who acted out sexually just stopped acting out after disclosure. Wtihout a single relapse just stopped acting out after they disclosed?


I for one (Thank God) have not even considered acting out again. Once I realized why (total drunk) and what was going on in my head (CSA), it was easy for me. (not for everyone)The devisation that I had caused my entire family by acting out, was Enormous and I found that after disclosure that not only was I being a total jerk to wife, BUT that she truly loved me in ways that I felt I could never be loved. At that point I didn't want or need anything else to feel safe within myself.

How does everyone feel about the saying "Relapse is a part of recovery" Is that a valid statement?


IMHO,(just about me) If I were to relapse, then I am not working hard enough towards my recovery. To me a relapse would be giving into the will of my perp and that isn't going to happen. I have come to far in repairing myself and others to slide back down that slippery slope of no return.

If you acted out, what kind of response would you like to have from your wife after your post disclosure relapse.

Once again, (IMHO) I would want her to tell me " GOOD BYE" and I have told her that.
WHY?
If I were to act out again it would be for reasons of: 1. I am drinking again and not thinking with a clear mind.
2. She should never have to go through the pain and suffering that she endured during those horrible years again.
If I ever relapsed back into my perp coma (so to speak) I dont know if I would ever come bck out of it. I know me all to well.

Once again these answers are just what I feel and others are differant than me and have gone through much worse I feel.
Everyone one of us has their own way of dealing with their past and we all have to find a way out of our past that works for each us.

Great questions by the way.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#385997 - 02/16/12 08:12 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: Dar]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Guess it depends on what we're calling "Acting Out"

I haven't ever been "unfaithful" to my wife in terms of affairs or random hook-ups or even non-random hook-ups. I've never had sex with anyone but my wife since I was married and before that the last sexual experiences I had with another human being was the abuse. Between 5 perps, 3 male, 2 females.... There is just WAY too much fear and anxiety about sex for me to "hook-up" with anyone.

That being said though, my "Acting Out" involves Porn and MB. I know some consider that "infidelity" and some don't. I struggle with MB every day and Porn once in awhile. My wife knows I struggle and asks me regularly if we need to put a porn filter back on the PC. So in that sense, I think she's an active part of my recovery, although like I've told a few who knows my struggles, I really don't need the porn because there's so much crap in my head so more images certainly aren't needed.

What confuses me, and maybe the wives etc here can help, but the last time I shared with my wife about things that happened to me she asked me how many people had hurt me... now mind you, this is something I thought I had already told her before, but apparently I hadn't... So after a pause, one filled with pain, fear, and lots of tears I told her 5. As we continued talking (and this next part is what I'm looking for clarity on) she told me that she would totally understand if I did actually go out and have an affair... she wouldn't like it, but she would understand...

Help me understand that, cuz I sure don't.


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#386007 - 02/16/12 09:16 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
she told me that she would totally understand if I did actually go out and have an affair... she wouldn't like it, but she would understand...


Wow, thats a hard statement for me to understand coming from a wife.
Is it because you two are not being Intimate right now and maybe she thinks that this might get your motor running again?

I do not know your full situation but.............. Having an affair is not the answer by any means.
Not only would that really confuse me (even more) as to what is really reality and what isn't, but I beleive that it would hurt your wife far more than what she is thinking right now.

It sounds like your wife truly loves you and wants to do anything that she can to help you, even if it means hurting her self mentally. unless she has been through that before, she has know idea how painful that would be to her and to you.
It would be like starting the healing process all over again for me. Or just trading off one problem for another.

Keep moving forward as I know you will Scott.
God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#386008 - 02/16/12 09:24 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Guess it depends on what we're calling "Acting Out"


I meant sexually for those men who
1) Sexual Addiction
2) Re-creating/re-living their abuse.
3) Any other sexual unfaithfulness

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#386011 - 02/16/12 09:37 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: Anniemy4sons]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Strangely enough that definition doesn't help.

My Porn/MB issue by pure definition qualifies me as a Sex Addict (we're talking at least once a day usually more...)

The thoughts/fantasies that run through my head during those times would certainly qualify for "re-creating/re-living"

So I guess my real question is, by acting out, do you mean someone who is actively out having sex with someone who isn't their wife? for any of the said reasons.



Edited by JustScott (02/16/12 09:37 AM)

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#386014 - 02/16/12 09:45 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Dar, My wife does indeed love me, that much I do know.

As for our intimacy level right now... and always has almost always been very very low, not by my choice, but because my wife's libido level truly does run to about a "once a month" if I'm lucky schedule. When she wants it she gets it, and outside of that there is little physical contact at all because as she puts it, she's "not a touchy feely person." Sadly though I am a very physical person so that lack of physical affection hurts at times.

She does make an effort to be more physical because she knows I'm a physical person, but there is still a huge disparity between where I am and where she is physically.

I don't think her statement was meant to insinuate that somehow having an affair would help or fix anything, but more of a, "I see how horribly messed up you are" kind of statement. I still don't understand it though. I know some men might take that as permission or something. Not that I do, but I could see some using it as an excuse.


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#386022 - 02/16/12 11:07 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
"I see how horribly messed up you are" kind of statement.

I think you are right about her statement too.
But you are also very correct about some people taking that as a green light to go out and do what they want to make them selfs happy. Only later, to find them selfs being even deeper in pain.

Unfortunately I am the one who is having the intimacy problem right now and I hate that. My wife is very understanding but I have to get past that part of the process. And soon I hope. smile

Blessings

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#386024 - 02/16/12 11:30 AM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
yes. sorry my clarification was not "clear" LOL

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#386033 - 02/16/12 12:32 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: Anniemy4sons]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Wife chiming in for JustScott-not much help from me because having my husband sleep w someone else kills me slowly daily. I'm in constant prayer to give forgiveness and for relief from the hurt it has caused me. I wonder if she knows just what she is offering. I cant think of anyone I dislike enough to wish this on. Maybe it would be different because it's not a betrayal as she is proposing it, but I haven't had sex w my husband without thinking of him w other women not one time. And not in a good way.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#386051 - 02/16/12 01:48 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: GoodHope]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
"As we continued talking (and this next part is what I'm looking for clarity on) she told me that she would totally understand if I did actually go out and have an affair... she wouldn't like it, but she would understand..."

Of course I don't know what else your wife said/thought on this and don't know her underlying thoughts but I think I can understand what she means.
My husband has acted out, he's stopped (that's what he says) and it was awful at first. But once I learned what was behind it all, I could understand why he did what he did.
I told him that if he ever feels the wish to act out again I'd appreciate it he would talk about it but that I can understand if he would act out again I won't like it either, but I can see how abuse totally messed up your brain, your actions, even your will.


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#386082 - 02/16/12 05:01 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: Shawushka]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Shawushka
But once I learned what was behind it all, I could understand why he did what he did.


On strictly an intellectual level, I understand it, but my heart and my self-esteem never will. frown

I have to believe your wife (Scott) was merely expressing an understanding of the effects of your trauma. Or, perhaps she was so hurt by your use of porn (to me, porn is infidelity), that she made this comment sarcastically, out of anger and hurt???

Regardless, no one can never be healed by behaving in ways beneath one's personal dignity.

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386085 - 02/16/12 05:37 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: herowannabe]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
That's why I am here... I know why he acted out and due to the discovery we are both becoming healthier. So there is a silver lining. As far as acting out in the future I don't think I can handle that.

I know it's a struggle for him most days but I have total faith in the strength of his spirit. I am amazed and in complete awe of what he has accomplished in the last year.

Regardless it's a real possiblity that I live with every day.



Edited by Gretta (02/16/12 05:37 PM)

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#386087 - 02/16/12 06:01 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: Gretta]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
It wasn't sarcasm or anger. My wife is the queen of sarcasm, I would have picked up on that :-)

She feels that porn is the same as cheating too. So it's a hard fight at times. I hope one day to heal enough to be free of these struggles.


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#386097 - 02/16/12 07:27 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: JustScott]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
I hope one day to heal enough to be free of these struggles.

And you will Scott.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#386102 - 02/16/12 07:47 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: Dar]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((Scott)))

(((Scott's wife)))

Everyone hurts... All because of some sick, twisted, selfish pig of a human being. frown

Scott- I already love your wife. Sarcasm is my LIFE! wink


herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386124 - 02/16/12 09:45 PM Re: Survivor question [Re: herowannabe]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I'm expecting a relapse. I just am.

I see Just Scott's wife's perspective of porn as cheating--from a>
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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