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#385747 - 02/14/12 04:14 PM Re: Brand New really needing advice [Re: MarkK]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Markk - alot of things I have read about talking to my children about being safe deal with this exact thing. It ain't sex. It's abuse. Abuse comes in different packaging.


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#385788 - 02/14/12 08:11 PM Re: Brand New really needing advice [Re: MarkK]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Whome-
I get what you're saying, and as a female, I bristle at a man getting his nose out of joint at the thought that he should have to sexually approach a woman respectfully and with the intention of sharing love/making love- NOT just having sex.

Men like you, Whome, understand making love is a privilege that IS earned, while "sex" is something you just take from another. I get it and thank you for your thought.

MarkK-
Great thought, and you are 100% correct. Unfortunately, for many supporters in F&F, what's brought us here is sex- specifically the sexual acting out of our partners. Many of us struggle with our survivor's intimacy disorders, which affect our psyches and our marriages. That sexual acting out against us, to many of us, WAS abuse. So, in a roundabout way, we're all here for shades of the same thing: healing of abuse. Supporters have one extra challenge, and that is to go beyond our own hurt in order to support our survivors.

Back to the original post some time soon???
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#385838 - 02/15/12 12:31 AM Re: Brand New really needing advice [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
The original post is the fact that a friend is in pain and is needing advice.

Kl24. I am really sorry that I got side tracked.

Please feel free to PM me if you need/ want any further advice, My mail box is always open.

Heal well
Martin


_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385910 - 02/15/12 01:31 PM Re: Brand New really needing advice [Re: whome]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
Martin,

i really appreciated your advice, i felt like someone was affirming me in a broken place... there are a lot of confusing emotions as a friend to a survivor and a lot of times it seems easier to stuff away my emotions because they are less important then what my friend is going through, therefore having you articulate thoughts on my behalf as a male, as a male survivor made me feel very affirmed and comforted, thank you so much for it.i really felt like you stepped into a position that i needed to be filled, i need someone to let me know that my feelings of hurt are still valid rather then allowing myself to compare my hurt to my friends hurt. that is a challenge...

thank you for taking time to post about this topic with me


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#385956 - 02/15/12 11:40 PM Re: Brand New really needing advice [Re: KL24]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
to stuff away my emotions because they are less important then what my friend is going through


If this statement were placed into a slot machine, you'd have just hit the jackpot!

As a supporter, THAT is EXACTLY how we all feel. And it is maddening until we come to the realization that our emotions are not less important than what our survivors are going through. Our hurts are just "different" than theirs. Just like two crayons are different colors, they are still crayons! Pain is pain.

Your attention is currently focused on your beloved because you've prioritized properly, as a sound, mature adult does. His needs are perhaps the most immediate, but it doesn't mean your needs are inconsequential.

I hope F&F will help you control your own bleeding until your beloved's hemmoraging is under control. Then, when you feel it is time, let us help you get bandaged up properly.

Be easy on YOU! You matter, too!

Hugs-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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