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#385951 - 02/15/12 10:44 PM How did other gays react to your assault/rape
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
How did other gay men react in the community to your rape?

Ive had mixed experiences. Some have been kind and supportive others absolute jags... even trying to fuck with me by playing porn reminiscent of the rape at a social setting. I didn't react outside, but inside was quite triggered.

There are days I feel like I am not worthy of love- the one who raped me seemed amused that he raped a top; i couldnt fight back. he took every ability away from me, and now... I feel broken.







There have been people that have said the most awful things,
it doesnt inspire confidence or hope that i can get better this time.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#386060 - 02/16/12 02:38 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I've find that most gay men I've talked to about my molestation were either molested themselves and were therefore more removed from the way it made me feel, where just so removed from it because of poisonous pedagogy and because they had already been using coping mechanisms that worked for the child, but inhibited the adult from any emotional growth. There was no empathy whatsoever to what it did to me physically or emotionally. And I can empathize with you 100% with what you are feeling.

I don't know your story but I assume that this happened to you as an adult and not as a child like me. But you should note that even though our assaults happened to us at two different points in time, we share those same feelings about not being worthy enough to be loved. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I would suggest you try to find a support group of other men in your position, who are looking for that validation and that empathy that is actually quite rare in the gay community, but then the same could be said for society overall I suppose. One guy I was dating, who was raped by his older brother, actually told me he was very good friends with him and how he supported him ever since. He assumed it was because it was his older brothers way of apologizing. I looked at it as a way of his older brother trying to keep his little brothers mouth shut, by doing good deeds for him and quilting him in case he was thinking about telling his mother ("But John, I've been such a good brother to you. Remember how I helped you move to NY?"). My own brother, while being an asshole to me his whole life, defended me every time someone was trying to pick a fight with me. In the past, he'd just let me fight my own battles, but I think he did that just so that I'd either forget about what he did to me in that basement or because he thought his good deeds would outweigh that MONUMENTAL bad deed he did at 12 years of age.

This is going on way too long, but I know you could benefit so much more from being in a group that feels the exact same way you do and understands why he feel the way you do, rather than trying to find it in other men who have trained themselves (some for many years) to ignore how they really feel and thus sabotage their own body in the process. And to the ones that poked fun about your rape? I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened to them. Your just the first to be man enough to admit it. Ditch those losers because they won't help you get where you need to be. I hope you will look for a steady support group though and with luck there may be one already set-up in your city.

Stay fresh and Stay golden, Tyr.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#386092 - 02/16/12 06:48 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: h.beat,h.break]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
in the past (in my 20s/30s) far more gay friends would not discuss than those who would. if i may quote ''too many to count'' gay friends when i brought up the topic, "i don't remember my childhood" they'd say. red flag to me...

today - my two gay friends, which is all i have, know about my story and they have asked very specific questions in the course of conversations, but since that is not a pressing issue anymore, there isn't much to say.

_________________________
Jeff

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#386107 - 02/16/12 08:17 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: westchesterguy]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
Thanks for replying guys.

1. I don't care for a group, one on one is fine.

2. In my situation, my rape has been outed so to speak, and I have gotten messed with and tested and its been draining.

So i guess I am asking what happens when you can't keep it private and its outthere and I cant stop the information

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#386165 - 02/17/12 09:06 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
In my experience the reaction from men is pretty well split, whether gay or straight or bi or whichever. Some can cope with it, some will listen, some won't or can't.

One thing we need to be careful of is not letting ourselves be revictomized by people pushing for information or with information. Strong words "I'd rather not discuss it at this time" or some-such might help? Even "if you're a friend you'll drop this now" might work??

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#386261 - 02/18/12 11:40 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: MarkK]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
markk. not really. no the people already know and have been taunting me in apssive aggressive and even overtly threatening manners. records have been compiled and police notified but its getting unsafe

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#386835 - 02/22/12 07:17 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
This isnt about just how one person might have said something triggering or off hat as a comment.

Multiple contacts in the community have been told a very perverted version of my rape scenario in which I have been portayed as a bery uncredible negative and other not kind words.

that is what i am asking.

has any survivor here endured "the second" rape revictimization as an adult and if so what did you do to counteract it??

It has turned out that here are very few people on my side. the world has risen up and defended the other guy and its because they are charismatic likeable and network in social circles. due to the rape ive isoloated and tried to heal with varying success. it seems like even when i win i lose. and i hope this makes more sense.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#387471 - 02/27/12 02:17 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
CueFacade Offline


Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Massachusetts
This is the reaction I'm petrified of. My rapist is beloved where I am, so to the few people I've told I just say I don't know who it was. It makes me feel awful, but I know that I may lose any support if I call him out publicly. I don't know how to handle it besides lying.


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#387502 - 02/27/12 12:20 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: CueFacade]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Mike, that sounds very hard to deal with. I hope you can find people to support you who perhaps don't have any close connections to his social circle. I guess I have to worry and wonder that he may be someone who will harm others. Have you thought of going to law enforcement? Or, feel guilty you haven't? But I hope you don't. It's not your fault what he did. It's not your guilt but his 100%. I just want you to be ok and heal.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#387506 - 02/27/12 01:36 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: LandOfShadow]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
People may be well liked but they might also be animals. And even a well liked hunting dog needs to be shot in the head once it gets rabies and is dangerous.

Cue if you went to law enforcement, kudos. If you didn't...

In either case NEVER lie. It will come back to bite you. However don't give all the details to anyone.

For example if Sean is a 40 yr old who did xyz12345 and it caused injury or 45678... consider telling people things like

'it's too soon to get into all of it', 'Sean... yes... he did it and I cant get into all of it with you, maybe not ever. '

be prepared for kick back. but never lie.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#387587 - 02/28/12 07:30 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
and h.beat thank you for your words. respectfully im not looking for child abuse feedback though. the reason is it has nothing to do with this current acute present situation. this isnt about an abuse from long long ago. it is about the kickback from a community that has been fed misinformation and how to deal with that. does that make sense?

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#387606 - 02/28/12 09:38 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I've talked in the past to several other gay male sexual assault victims and heard similar issues, and it's a terrible situation! My impression is that there is kind of a "knee jerk reaction" in place in the gay community to defending gay sex as OK and "sex positive", against all the negative characterizations put forth by the political opponents of "gay rights" (aka human rights and expected decency if you happen to be straight). And that completely gets in the way of recognizing how serious a problem sexual assault is! On top of all the other issues in the mix...

What do you think?

I do a certain amount of education in this area and part of the solution is correctly understanding the problem. Clearly recognizing what makes harmful sex harmful... makes joyous sex more possible. A lot of people can be behind that goal.

It doesn't help make it easier for you now though. I'm sorry.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#387610 - 02/28/12 10:05 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: LandOfShadow]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
LandofShadow thanks for your reply

But again. Its not about gay sex is ok. Its about muddying the character or attempting to kill the character of a victim of a violent act.

I have a few friends that have been supportive, but since I have rules and honor my rules I can't just "talk shit" about my rapist, or make up lies or spread rumors. He and his have no rules, no standards that is why hes a criminal and extremely dangerous and it is becoming increasingly difficult to fight and defend against something when you are bound by truth and rules and he is bound by only his own twisted ideas.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#387620 - 02/28/12 11:19 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I was trying to understand what's perhaps beneath the surface, motives behind why people tolerate, buy into whatever they are saying/hearing about you.

I'm sorry. I don't know details about what that is, and I understand how you don't feel free to say here.

Just to say, I feel sad for you and it sounds all too familiar.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#387651 - 02/28/12 04:56 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: LandOfShadow]
Artistandvictum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 17
Loc: ohio
gay men spread rumors and talk shit to distract from how unfortunately depressing their own existence is. thats why im gay and have only 2 gay friends.


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#387673 - 02/28/12 07:40 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Artistandvictum]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
thats quite true AandV

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#387788 - 02/29/12 02:32 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I have had straight male friends who talked out of turn so I do not think one can apply labels so easily.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#387789 - 02/29/12 02:34 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: prisonerID]
Artistandvictum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 17
Loc: ohio
yea people just talk shit


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#387790 - 02/29/12 02:39 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Artistandvictum]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
So true.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#387929 - 03/01/12 02:40 PM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: Tyr]
Asmodeus Offline


Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
I don't know if my experiences were different because they were on a gay teen forum and not in person, but everyone who said something to me about it was supportive.

_________________________
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

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#388243 - 03/04/12 11:10 AM Re: How did other gays react to your assault/rape [Re: prisonerID]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
If you take the male attributes out of the victimization, and replaced them with female attributes, would the unsupportive people still be unsupportive given the same circumstances?

I think Prisoner's concept here has merit. Labels muddy the water a lot. If Perp A did such and such to Victim B, what would the outcome likely be?

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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