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#385356 - 02/11/12 07:39 PM The epiphany of un-socialism
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
One of my current problems is that I've become increasingly un-social over the last few years. Not 'anti-social' but just not socializing. I'd love to meet people, for something other than sex. However, it seems in today's gay world it's "fuck first, ask questions later." Nobody wants to date anymore, they just want to hookup. It's all about looks, dick size and whether you're a top or a bttm. Unless you meet all three of those, conversation rarely goes much further, if any.

So I've made a couple new rules in my dating life;

I don't do hookups... usually. I turn down 99% of all the opportunity that presents itself. The only exception to this rule is if we meet someplace public, have a cup of coffee or a cocktail, and if he's irresistable I might succumb to temptation. But that's nothing like what most guys expect in an on-line encounter. It's really hard to make friends on the internet, I've found.

I don't do married men or men who claim to be "Bi"...I also don't do guys who acall themselves straight, or are so far in the closet that they'll NEVER come out. I don't want to be anybody's mistress, or their secret.

I Think I'm better off alone right now. I'm too fresh away from the firing line. I'm enjoying my new freedoms, but I'm not going to go overboard.

On the other hand... I turned down two valid offers for hookups today, both from what I consider to be very hot guys. Two opportunities for sex, and maybe a little company. Get to know each other... Or not,, you never know. Instead, I'm staying home, getting drunk and edging on a nice state of sexual tension and arousal. Occasionally triggered by what I'm reading here, but otherwise pretty normal.

I have a high sex drive, that's one of my gifts from my abuse called hyper-arousal. The reason I don't have sex very othen is that I chose not to. I used to think that there was no such thing a a 'meaningless hookup", because only masturbation was meaningless. Now I know that they're BOTH meaningless, and both with their plusses and minuses. I'm fine with the pleasure, but I don't care for the risk, mess and drama of the real thing. If it's just for getting off, I can do that for myself quite well, thank you. If you want a piece of me you have to appreciate ME, not my image".

I just want to go on a date... ;-)

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385601 - 02/13/12 05:44 PM Re: The epiphany of un-socialism [Re: Undiagnosed]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
those were interesting epiphanies, undiagnosed.

i find what you wrote to be fine examples of having personal values and morals.

its shame to hear nothing has changed in the gay world while i've been absent from it the past seven years. not that you'd know this, but i'd lose my job if it was discovered i was gay. so, i just do not date nor do i ever go out. i can't risk it until i find a new job. and placing an ad out there sans photo and asking to be discrete, while would be 100% true for me, its not what society thinks i mean. :-)

_________________________
Jeff

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#385625 - 02/13/12 09:36 PM Re: The epiphany of un-socialism [Re: westchesterguy]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Oh yes, Jeff... My rules are my way of (a) using my brain to limit my behavior, or (b) my excuse for not doing what I'm terrified of doing. I can think of a thousand reasons why NOT to have sex with somebody.

Bummer about your job... I hope not coming out is what's right for you. That being said, I am out with my friends and family, and yet not at work. Certainly they would not fire me just for being gay, it just never comes up because I don't socialize with any of them.

However, work is where most people meet their friends. Not me, so I need other avenues to socialize and meet people, particularly other gay men. Mardi Gras Krewes, theater groups, gay choir, art and design benefits etc, I've been there. Then again, I was always either married or at least "with children". I made good use of them as excuses NOT to date when I had the chance. So regardless of my on-line reputation I'm really quite discrete.

NOW, if my dick worked reliably, and I could be the Hot Daddy Top that everybody seems to want me to be, I would have been making excuses to the husband and the kids. And I'd have a 50/50 chance of either being POZ or dead by now.

I have reason to believe I'm a Target of some sort. My CSA aside, my behaviour over the subsequent years had put me at risk for ASA, and it's happened more than once. In the last 20 years I'm had two forcible rapes and one carjacking that almost cost my life... The last time I was raped was less than a year ago. I have reasons to be suspicious.

Why me, Lord? Why do people like to take advantage of me? One would think I would have known better many years ago, seeing how I started so young. Clearly the abuse of my childhood was beyond my control, why do I continue to experience this syndrome?

That's why I don't do hookups. I'm terrified of exposing myself in a sexual way. I know that my dick is directly attached to my brain with a high IRQ, if you know what I mean. In the past, if I listen to my dick I often got in trouble. My pendelum has swung from being a willing child porn star to a hermit.

That would be fine, except I don't WANT to be a hermit. I'd rather be a Hot Daddy Top! Fish while the fishing is good, it won't last forever! Its a great fantasy, but sometimes it can get WAY too close to 'reliving the abuse' from the opposite side.

**DISCLAIMER** I am NOT a pedophile. I am not even a Pederast. I value and protect children, like my own. I have absolute limits as regards age and maturity. I don't talk to boys. I occasionally talk to teenagers, and I'm very protective of them and often give them advice instead of pictures. I DO check ID's on occasion. I'm 53 years old, and for some reason there are always guys much younger than me hitting me up to chat. I'm looking for guys 30+, and these 19-20 yr olds (so they say) keep sending me messages. I've gotten good at being sage and sending them on their way. Some even get lectured... LOL Remind me to tell you the story of Devin one of these days... LOL

Cause and effect. I've resolved to do whatever it takes to make that last jump to healing. WHATEVER it takes, even if that means more therapy, chatting here, reading, writing... whatever. I've GOT to figure this out if I'm ever going to have a healthy, happy, permanent, sexual relationship before I die.

Fuck society, I've got bigger fish to fry. :-)

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385701 - 02/14/12 08:42 AM Re: The epiphany of un-socialism [Re: Undiagnosed]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Undiagnosed
... I hope not coming out is what's right for you...


just to be clear, undiagnosed, i was living my life as nature intended. smile and for the past seven years have been unable to or i'd lose my job. its not right for me - or anyone, but that is reality when a boss (or a parent, teacher, president) view gays as criminal.

i think i understand your fishing analogy - and agree wholeheartedly. but as i said to you in another thread... if you and i are the only ones out there with the idea that "come on folks, get with the program; enjoy life, have great romance, sex, whatever" before we die.... we have a hell of a lot of people to convince. lol.

_________________________
Jeff

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