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#385958 - 02/15/12 11:45 PM Re: Close friend just revealed abuse from 30 yrs ago [Re: peroperic2009]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Great stuff, Pero!

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#385962 - 02/16/12 12:45 AM Re: Close friend just revealed abuse from 30 yrs ago [Re: herowannabe]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Wow he obviously trusts you and feels safe with you, so you are already doing things "right." I think you have very good instincts. It seems like you're approaching him with respect, tenderness, gentleness and openness to what he needs.

I could relate to your post because I also fight the urge to jump in and tell him why he shouldn't feel the way he does, or give advice/try to "fix it." (sometimes I succumb to the urge...doh!) And sometimes I am at a complete loss for words.
(I'm a survivor too but it definitely hasn't given me all the answers in how to support him.)

One thing I find that helps (which pero pointed out) is to visualize the 8 year old boy. Try to remind myself what would his child self need?
Sometimes its ok to not say much. Sometimes just tone of voice, a safe presence helps.

Also at times I have asked "What can I do to help?" Or "What type of response would be helpful to you right now?" when I am really floundering.


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#385974 - 02/16/12 02:33 AM Re: Close friend just revealed abuse from 30 yrs ago [Re: mmfan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Annie,

He sounds a lot like i was. I was "not the type" to do groups (GOD no!!). I was NEVER the type to go to a therapist. I did allow myself to read Mike Lew's book "Victims no Longer." It was a life saver for me.

From there, I was able to go to a therapist and eventually formed a support group.

Not anyone's recovery process is the same as another's; just as no two abuse scenarios are the same. Our brains and circumstances are all different. He really needs to know that. HE has to be the orchestra-tor of his own recovery experience.

YOU can be there best for him be remaining flexible, giving him space and letting him direct. But if he asks you for guidance, he means it.

But, as others have said ahead of me, you can get yourself a heck of an education on the topic and just keep it all to yourself until needed.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#386053 - 02/16/12 01:58 PM Re: Close friend just revealed abuse from 30 yrs ago [Re: peroperic2009]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Annie, it sounds like you are being a very good friend to this survivor. I'm a spouse of a survivor and all I can contribute is that my partner also doesn't want to come to this forum, nor is he keen on counseling, therapy, etc.
We are taking small, baby steps. I am there when he wants to talk, I bought a few books for him and told him they are here. He picked up one and browsed through it and that was a big step forward.

Your friend has been hiding a secret for 30 years, he'll need time. It's great that you are there for him!


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#386123 - 02/16/12 09:38 PM Re: Close friend just revealed abuse from 30 yrs ago [Re: Shawushka]
annie123 Offline


Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 11
So many great responses...I appreciate the suggestions and the support. I've been having so many weird dreams about him...I guess I had no idea how much all of his sharing would weigh on my mind...I can't imagine how it has weighed on his.

On thing I worry about- and maybe you can help... He said there is one big piece left that he is not ready to talk about..but he made reference to it possibly being about his choosing to spend time with his attacker "when he was old enough to know better". He would have been 13-14...and if I had to guess, I would imagine it was a time when he was wrestling with abuse, sexuality, understanding arousal, etc. I'm not sure what to be preparing myself for in terms of supporting him.

Are there any resources I should be looking at about when victims choose to "hang out" with their attacker after the abuse has been happening over several years?


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