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#385620 - 02/13/12 09:12 PM Future destroyed
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I am very upset right now.

At age 42, Iím just now coming to realize the magnitude of what was allowed to happen to me. Iím going to elaborate. Please bear with me.

Have you ever seen someone that excelled at what they do? That person who does something like no one else can? Think of something totally unique and exemplary to which that person applies his talent.

Did you ever see someone fix a car in 5 minutes? Did you ever see someone paint a beautiful landscape? Did you ever hear someone sing in a way that truly captures you? Did you ever see someone write in unix code as though it was his first language? Did you ever watch someone display a martial art skill that defies expectation? Did you ever see someone engineer the plans of a vast works project which benefits untold numbers of people? Did you ever see someone routinely create a culinary dish which endears you to always want to be around him when heís in the kitchen?

Did you ever look at someone and say ďthat guy is able to do something I will never be as good at, EVERĒ? I see this all the time.

Iíve come to believe that most people who find out what theyíre truly gifted at are not encumbered by the experience of sexual abuse. Why do I say this?

Well, maybe Iím unique, but, in my case, sexual abuse destroyed any desire to better or explore myself. Once abused and festering in silence, I lost any desire whatsoever to find out what Iím good at, or what I enjoy, or what I might find fulfillment in. Instead of embracing the life I was given, I instead simply numbed out and merely existed and merely did what was necessary in order to materially survive. My dreams were destroyed when I was sexually abused. Gone was any type of motivation to explore who the real ME was. It takes a GREAT deal of effort for me to simply do any kind of educational work to improve myself or my lot in life. I can sit and do homework for about 15 minutes before get frustrated and angry to the point where I canít actually learn anything any longer.

Do you want to destroy someoneís future? Itís really easy. Just sexually abuse a vulnerable child which wonít tell anyone what you did. Once youíre done, time will then do all the work for you. That boy will get frustrated and confused when trying to apply himself to all these seemingly easy tasks that all his classmates perform without much effort. Nothing will come easy to him; this includes mental discipline intimacy, relationships, staying focused on any given task, or just plain getting ahead in life. You will have set him up for a life of defeat, frustration, and loneliness. You should be congratulated for wrecking a life, but the congratulations is not yours alone, it must be shared by the childís parents who allowed the abuse to happen and didnít even realize any changes in their child after the fact.


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#385628 - 02/13/12 09:50 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1226
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#385632 - 02/13/12 10:24 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Hauser,

I feel your pain, brother. I'm 53 and I can tell you I blame my CSA on three failed relationships, 6 lost jobs, untold emotional suffering and anger... And like you, I am just as angry with those who ignored and hid what happened to me as much as the perps themselves... I speak from experience when I say;

"The only thing worse than being kidnapped, tortured, raped and murdered is being kidnapped, tortured, raped... and IGNORED." The kid who dies is done with his suffering, mine continues on, and on, and on...

I'm told that there IS healing, and I'm told that this might be a place where one can find it, or at least clues to what healing is... I'm sad that you and I both need to be here.

Remember the lessons you learned, if you can seperate the good from the bad...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385634 - 02/13/12 10:36 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hauser,

Part of me wanted to believe my future was destroyed just a little over a year ago. But, in 2011, as I spent months in and out of the hospital and a treatment center both of which had NO idea how to "help" a lonely washed up (I am 48) male sexual abuse survivor, I thought of all of the guys - fellow male sexual abuse survivors - including YOU.

Yes, Hauser I thought of you. I remember how you welcomed me and encouraged me when I first joined malesurvivor. It was your "gift" for which you shared with me. Ok so maybe you can't fix a car in 5 minutes or do all of the things you listed but, you have a gift. You shared of yourself which is a gift for me.

Please keep sharing the gift with us here.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#385641 - 02/13/12 10:51 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Avery46]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Hi Hauser,

I see you've been around here a while. I'm a newbie compared to you.

I do hope that you can focus your energies on finding out who you are, and learning how to love yourself. I, like yourself, spent decades in turmoil and rage, completely demoralized, and thinking I was stupid because I just couldn't "get it".

As Avery said, you do have within you a tremendous gift. The sad truth is, your parents should have protected you and taught you how to love yourself. But you have the power to do those things for yourself. If you don't know how (like I don't), learn how to.

Wonderful things do await you - including healing, recovery, and as a friend of mine put it (also a CSA survivor) - "The JOY of discovery!". It is a great journey to take, to learn who onesself is, and how to love yourself.

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. You may not see it, but Avery sees it, and I see it too - you have incredible power within you. I hope you see and believe it yourself soon.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#385651 - 02/13/12 11:21 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Undiagnosed]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1380
Originally Posted By: Undiagnosed
"The only thing worse than being kidnapped, tortured, raped and murdered is being kidnapped, tortured, raped... and IGNORED." The kid who dies is done with his suffering, mine continues on, and on, and on...

Not far from me and during the period of my own abuse, a boy was tortured, raped and murdered. His story continues to haunt me to this day. He was a shoeshine boy, seduced by three or four men with the promise of fast money, held captive for 12 hours, then they showed their appreciation by holding his head down in a sink full of water until he drowned. Had they brought him up for air and asked him if he would have preferred to die or be ignored, I KNOW what that answer would have been. But he was never given the choice.

I was ignored - thrown right back into a serial molester's arms seemingly by my own parents. In my darkest moments, I used to toy with the thought of trading places with that fragile little boy whose life was extinguished. So easy an answer - death. But in truth, I would not - any more than I would wish anyone else here to make that choice. In the end, despite the cards we hold in a crappy hand, one of them is still the Jack of Life. Even those who ultimately throw that card are better off than being murdered. At least THAT choice is on their own terms and time, not their abuser's.

I never forget that I am here - at MS. He never had a chance to be, and the comments in each thread that you don't read are his. There are a few of us who have been silenced before even getting here. Never forget them. Always respect them.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#385658 - 02/14/12 12:17 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Magellan]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Hauser

Sorry for your pain, Odd thing for me and a couple of my survivor friends here is that we excel at things, we are the better ones at the programming, fixing cars, Playing instruments, etc.

But having said that, we lack the confidence to use it in a constructive way. We are so damaged that we cannot use the great talents that we have, strange, we are encumbered with a double curse.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385660 - 02/14/12 12:36 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Chase Eric]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I never forget that I am here - at MS. He never had a chance to be, and the comments in each thread that you don't read are his. There are a few of us who have been silenced before even getting here. Never forget them. Always respect them.


Amen, Eric. Amen...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385666 - 02/14/12 12:50 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Hauser
I am very upset right now.

At age 42, Iím just now coming to realize the magnitude of what was allowed to happen to me. Iím going to elaborate. Please bear with me.

Have you ever seen someone that excelled at what they do? That person who does something like no one else can? Think of something totally unique and exemplary to which that person applies his talent.

Did you ever see someone fix a car in 5 minutes? Did you ever see someone paint a beautiful landscape? Did you ever hear someone sing in a way that truly captures you? Did you ever see someone write in unix code as though it was his first language? Did you ever watch someone display a martial art skill that defies expectation? Did you ever see someone engineer the plans of a vast works project which benefits untold numbers of people? Did you ever see someone routinely create a culinary dish which endears you to always want to be around him when heís in the kitchen?

Did you ever look at someone and say ďthat guy is able to do something I will never be as good at, EVERĒ? I see this all the time.

Iíve come to believe that most people who find out what theyíre truly gifted at are not encumbered by the experience of sexual abuse. Why do I say this?

Well, maybe Iím unique, but, in my case, sexual abuse destroyed any desire to better or explore myself. Once abused and festering in silence, I lost any desire whatsoever to find out what Iím good at, or what I enjoy, or what I might find fulfillment in. Instead of embracing the life I was given, I instead simply numbed out and merely existed and merely did what was necessary in order to materially survive. My dreams were destroyed when I was sexually abused. Gone was any type of motivation to explore who the real ME was. It takes a GREAT deal of effort for me to simply do any kind of educational work to improve myself or my lot in life. I can sit and do homework for about 15 minutes before get frustrated and angry to the point where I canít actually learn anything any longer.

Do you want to destroy someoneís future? Itís really easy. Just sexually abuse a vulnerable child which wonít tell anyone what you did. Once youíre done, time will then do all the work for you. That boy will get frustrated and confused when trying to apply himself to all these seemingly easy tasks that all his classmates perform without much effort. Nothing will come easy to him; this includes mental discipline intimacy, relationships, staying focused on any given task, or just plain getting ahead in life. You will have set him up for a life of defeat, frustration, and loneliness. You should be congratulated for wrecking a life, but the congratulations is not yours alone, it must be shared by the childís parents who allowed the abuse to happen and didnít even realize any changes in their child after the fact.



I get you totally. Just want to know how to fix it really. Oh, I should add the 12 shrinks who made it worse scamming me out of $100-200-250 an hour for nothing but lies.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385679 - 02/14/12 03:12 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: phoenix321]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
In order to be the best at something, desire to be the best must consume one.

I am good at a lot of things but have never felt the NEED to be best.

I instead chose to have a life.

There may be good points to not being the best.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#385707 - 02/14/12 10:09 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Undiagnosed]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1226
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#385710 - 02/14/12 10:36 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1702
Yes it does impact our lives, some are destroyed forever, others hide the abuse until it becomes too much and sadly others leave us too soon. Yes it destroys our sense of self, but I am learning, do not give in, do not let those that abuse destroy your life-you can recover and heal. The ups and downs will come, sometimes the downs are very hard, but surround yourself with caring people--here at MS, support groups, friends, strangers and ignore those that make you feel worthless. A smile, a kind word, and understanding ear and it will help you gather the strength to move forward and heal. The CSA is not your fault, your reactions to the abuse and what you have done, are not who you truly are-you have value and do not need to recreate the abuse or do self harm or destruction to yourself--you have value and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You can recover and move forward. It will be a life learning time for you--you will learn who truly love you and will stand by you in your time of need. You may learn it is not those who you gave your life to, but in the end you will have the life you deserve and those who turn on you, will miss out on a wonderful and caring person. Go for it and rebuild



Edited by KMCINVA (02/14/12 10:48 AM)

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#385752 - 02/14/12 04:31 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey my friend.
I FULLY understand how abuse can kill any desire to better yourself, not to mention destroy any ability to accept you have a skill worth bettering... (is that a word?)
BUT
I also know that it is possible to reach a point where you believe you have a skill that is valuable and worth having. For me it started by reaching a place where I could believe that I was worth having a skill. (hope that makes sense).
Wasn't easy - still shaky and that belief in myself and my abilities wavers and falls flat often - but it's there when I never thought it could be.
I may never be the best at anything, but I do have valuable gifts to share with anyone who is willing to accept them. And if you can't accept your own value - can you accept mine? Because I value you.

_________________________
the story
††† https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#385769 - 02/14/12 06:39 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: MarkK]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3447
Loc: somewhere in Africa
For me, the past has caused me to settle for a life of what i used to consider "mediocrity." As a young kid, I wanted to become a great writer and have books published and be famous for having written stories that everyonbe loved. That all changed when I was abused in middle school in a systematic and constant and nearly unanimous conspiracy of bullying. Everyone at school knew what had happened to me and i was so ashamed that i thought i would have to live an anonymous life so that no one would ever have the chance to expose me in the media and perpetuate my shame into adulthood. Today I even refuse to have a facebook account because i don't want any ghosts from the past to return to haunt me.

BUT my definition of success has changed. I have had a modest career in terms of financial rewards and public recognition, but a successful career in terms of personal fulfillment - doing something i enjoy and seeing my contibutions make a difference in other people's lives. So - what is the true meaning of greatness? I am content with what i have accomplished even though it doesn't fit my younger dreams. I consider myself blessed in that regard.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385780 - 02/14/12 07:33 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: traveler]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I remember being around 8 years old. We had a giant encyclopedia in our living room called ďThe Volume LibraryĒ. It had about 4000 pages, big book. Anyway, it had a human anatomy section and I studied it all the time. I read what I could, even though I didnít understand many of the words. I would look at pictures and diagrams of the stomach and heart and other internal organs. I would ask my dad questions and he happily answered me with what he knew, such as ďthe liver takes toxic things out of our bodies and the lungs allow us to take in oxygen from the air, etc.Ē I was fascinated about our bodies, my body. I wanted to know how they worked. I wanted to be able to fix them when things went wrong.

I remember telling my dad something one day. I was in the truck with him while going to the store or whatever. I told him that I wanted to be a surgeon when I grew up. I was 8 years old, and I had dreams.

One year later, those dreams had disappeared; Lost in a sea of confusion, frustration, and shame. I never again studied anything in earnest and true desire. I was never meant to be like this. I had true dreams. I am convinced that I would have been a great surgeon, had I been left alone. I honestly feel that. Sad.


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#385785 - 02/14/12 07:49 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1380
It's never too late, Hauser. You are in the middle of life - you can go ANYWHERE from where you are right now. That's not idle banter - that's experience.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#385793 - 02/14/12 08:40 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Chase Eric]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Be Jouyous hauser for while the journey has been rough on us all, you now stand in the company of great people. We will support you in anything which is YOUR choice!!!

((((HAUSER)))

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#385829 - 02/14/12 11:56 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
WalkTheWalk Offline


Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
I don't like to accept that my CSA experiences ruined me or my life. I look at it as 4 years of abuse that altered the course of my life but did not ultimately define me as a man. My life, my actions and my soul belong to me now. I strive to seek that which gives me passion and pursue that which gives me joy. If we survivors give into the notion that we do not deserve joy, the alternative is to accept one man's/one abuser's legacy for us. We must fight against owning its burden and the personal peril that comes with it.

Hauser, I hope you find a way to peruse your joy whatever that may be for you.



Edited by WalkTheWalk (02/15/12 12:01 AM)
_________________________
- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

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#385909 - 02/15/12 01:29 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: WalkTheWalk]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Well, my fraternal brother, Hauser. I am spending a lot of time right now in reviewing my "life." As i'm coming up to my 3rd anniversary of having my inner child come back into my conscious mind.

It's been a long journey these past 3 years. Being 72..almost 73 years old makes it even a bit harder to come to terms with.

Like you, and most likely many others out there, i certainly do feel like my life was destroyed/pre-programed by my "mom."

From my birth i received nothing but hate, pain & fear. Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. I was the "man" of the house. That would destroy any kind of a emotional/mental relationship that would have towards a female.
I had always told her that I wished that she was dead. No loving or emotional/mental bonding with her.
She had taught me how to hate & fear females.

I was already emotionally, mentally, physically attracted to boys/males from around 5 years old. My gay sexuality was formed. It would be re-enforced when i went into the all boys orphanage/Home. Even though i had a sister 3 years younger. Couldn't remember much about her.
Being i was always told & berated as,being worthless, useless, never would amount to anything young boy for the first 17 years of my life. I had actually believed in those words.
Never having a father around just compounded those emotions/feelings.

I had kept myself a victim of her lies for all of my life. Never having a father, I never learned things that most boys do in a functional family.

I was a terror in school, no discipline always angry,on one hand very shy and on the other, always hey look at me,a real pain in the ass, a lonely severely abused boy. I guess that i already knew i was a failure so why try? Those destructive words.

No adult males around (except my Ralph) to give me an lasting emotional, mental & physical bond with. To teach me things that a father normally would.The things that Ralph taught & did to me would have life long ramifications.

Went into the Air Force on my 17Th birthday.That was an obsession with me since I was about 8 years old. As it was there that i disassociated myself from all that abuse. Barely passing the mental tests. What did i know about how gears turn? Or how radios work? Or how to fix cars/trucks? Really didn't know diddly squat about anything mechanical. Who was there to teach me? To encourage me? Nobody.
I was already into my drinking career,(16 yrs old) running away from something or somebody. (ME) as i know realise.

I never st rived for higher things. I was satisfied with the middle, where i was comfortable. I didn't have to try and improve myself further. How could I have. I believed in those destructive those words. Why even try?

Same went for my civilian career. I took jobs that were OK. Mostly ones that others didn't want to do. So i was secure there in lowly positions. Why try for things that i was more than likely qualified for? Why try? I believed in those destructive words.I settled for less.

Every day and every night i look at my picture of that young boy between 11-15 years old.
I remember of an incident between he and I a few years back, where i was ready, willing and capable of destroying our future. Remembering those destructive words. Fortunately that young boy finally believed in himself, trusted in himself & loved himself.

But, i still have to convince myself every day upon rising from bed, and going to bed, that those destroying words, emotions & feelings were false.

That young boys future was destroyed/pre programmed. It had defined who & what i was to become into my adulthood.

But, i tried to make sure that i didn't destroy any of my sons future. But, i failed miserably at that as one for what ever reason took his own life at a young 24 years old. A future destroyed.
But, that's all in the past. I'm proud of what that young boy has accomplished in his life against all the odds against him he has taught me about survival and life.
As usual from this old Irishmoose it probably does not make any sense. But like i have said before, i possess no eloquent words, nor do i possess any great amounts of wisdom. This probably re enforces that.

That destruction has defined who & what i am, and what i became.

Wishing all my fraternal brothers here well in life & healing, rising above all those destructive things in our shattered lives.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.







Edited by petercorbett (02/15/12 01:39 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#385915 - 02/15/12 02:50 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hauser,

I hope my previous reply does NOT sound condensending. I am at point in my recovery where I am assessing my worth to the world. I believe I could have been a great surgeon as well. I could have been much closer to my ex-wife and my children.

I know you are gift Hauser. It might take some time but, you will see it. You sharing of yourself is a gift to me.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#385919 - 02/15/12 03:00 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Avery46]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
I'm realizing more and more lately that I'm horribly stunted or stuck or something. I watch everyone around me doing things and accomplishing things and then there's me, only ever talking about what I'd "like" to do, but something always seems to get in the way of accomplishing anything.

It's so very hard at times to not let anger and bitterness creep in and make me hate utterly everything. I want my life to mean something and yet if I die today, aside from having a few kids who hopefully will go on to be someone and do things, it's pretty much worthless as best I can tell.


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#385920 - 02/15/12 03:10 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: JustScott]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
OMG, Hauser; I could have written your post.

I went to a private school through 6th grade. My second grade teacher was a nasty, abusive bitch, but in third grade, I had an absolute angel. It was the first time a teacher had seen value in me. She raved not only about how well I spelled and my advanced vocabulary, but told everyone how artistic I was. It was all I needed to hear. I sketched, drew, painted, fabricated miniature cars out of paper, you name it. Her words gave me wings.

Then I got abused. Somehow nothing I ever did after that seemed very special.

I have three brothers; two older, one younger. All three are professional artists. By high school I had decided I couldn't measure up to my brothers' talent. I stopped creating at that point.

For Christmas, my wife just gave me both table and standing easels, a palette, canvases, paints, palette knives, brushes. My life is very busy, and that's a great excuse. Somehow, I still haven't had time to even open any of these items let alone use them. Still that voice in there telling me I'll never be good enough.

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#385921 - 02/15/12 03:12 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
I got that syndrome in reverse Hauser. From rock-star to popper in the blink of an eye just for disclosing.

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#385936 - 02/15/12 07:34 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
God Hauser, I so know how you feel. I have had this type of feeling for so long and I've never known what to do about it. I guess this feeling came more from the loss of my father (NOT my abuser) than from the actual abuse I suffered when I was a little kid, which compared to most of you guys was very minimal. It hurts so badly to feel like you're less than and that there's nothing you can do you get a leg up.

This feeling seems to infect every aspect of my life and even though I'm only 22 and (hopefully) will have a lot of life ahead of me I still feel like I've missed out on a lot life's experiences. And it's not just the big things like a career or a spouse, it's a lot of little everyday things that effect me the most right now. Every time I see a bunch of 12-16-year-olds in a mall or around my neighborhood or just out somewhere I get this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach - it's envy. I so want to be them. I so want to stay out late with my friends, I so want to break the rules, I so want to just be a stupid teenage again because I feel like I never had that experience.

My dad died when I was 15, smack in the middle of when my true "self" should have been coming out. I didn't have anyone to blame so I just ended up blaming myself. Everyday when I'm again sitting in front of the tv I think about all the things that I could have been. Maybe if my dad hadn't have died I wouldn't be so shy and reserved, maybe I'd be outgoing and funny instead of a total stick-in-the-mud. I know there's no way to go back in time but I still think about it.

I don't know if this helps any of you guys, but I just want to let you all know that there's just one more person who gets it.

Terrick.

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#385946 - 02/15/12 10:03 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: WalkTheWalk]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1226
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#446612 - 09/07/13 05:42 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1131
Loc: The ATL
Wow. It's not often I go back and dig up old threads but I found this one and almost felt like I could have written a lot of what the OP said myself. Future destroyed. Future bleak, black, hopeless and pointless. Although, in my case, I think the constant and severe bullying and rejection I experienced from most of my peers played a part in that destruction as well. Not as much of a roll as the sexual trauma, but it damn sure didn't help.

My fucking life was over before it started. I was supposed to be smart. I was supposed to do well in life. I was interested in so many things when I was very little and by the time I was a teenager, my head was so fucked up and filled with chaos that I didn't even give a shit about anything anymore. Now it's to fucking late. The ship has sailed and I missed the boat. My wings were clipped before I even could begin to learn to fly and now I'm just hopping around aimlessly though life, having no idea which way to go or which way is even up. There is nowhere to go. I'm just existing, wasting space and eating up resources. Thanks, my childhood. I appreciate it.

I see this Hauser dude hasn't posted here in some time and hasn't since well before I joined. I hope he's ok. Does anyone know what happened to him? Perhaps I should PM him and tell him how much I appreciate and identify with his post. I'll have to do that soon. Peace,

Ken

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#446621 - 09/07/13 11:53 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1702
I hope he found help and was able to heal to see life can offer hope and happiness. Sadly, so many feel the way he described, "life was over before it started". CSA is a life sentence that we need to learn to control. Bullying can happen at any age-and CSA victims allow themselves to be bullied by children and adults. The only way we survive is through the love of others, once we are able to open and accept we can be loved for the right reasons.

The comments by Hauser makes me sad, because I have so many express similar feelings. I believe Hauser is wrong--he has not missed the boat but rather he is waiting for the boat to dock to pick him and move forward in life. He needs help and to surround himself with caring and compassionate people who understand CSA.

My hope he is still with us and has found his way on the boat for a good life.

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#446692 - 09/08/13 05:03 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
This is a good thread and I am glad it was bumped and glad I read it. I too hope Hauser has boarded his boat and set sail for a good future. I find some of the comments and outlooks I read to actually have brought me to tears.

It's only my experience, only my outlook but I desire to share a few thoughts about the future. Whatever has happened to us, when the sun came up today the future arrived. It does each and every day. I could have died at four. I could have. Or in my "tweens", or in the teens. I was abused each step of the way. But I didn't. I kept my dreams, I reformulated my dreams, I never stopped dreaming.

I gave back, didn't become rich, but I gave back. I watched over not only my own children, but hundreds of others. I watched for the nuances that indicated an abusive situation. I just knew, and I saw to it that something was done to protect these kids. Even with the abuse, things have been good. Very good.

But what I dreamed of most was love. All through my childhood I wanted to be loved for me. Just because I existed, I wanted someone to care about me. I laugh now, because it seems so selfish, but I dreamed of that. And as a young man, I found it. And I had the family that went along with it. And it was taken away much too early for me.... and I wanted to die. The future still arrived. I had to dream again, and it was really really hard. I hope this makes sense. What I am trying to say is that every dream I have ever dreamed, or achieved, or been gifted with has been fleeting. What has remained is the man. What I am left to work with is me.

And again I wanted to die when I experienced the asa. It was just too much. But I was still here. And the fuckin' future arrived, yet again. And it has taken me this long just to pull my stuff together to function, but function I will. The future brought me a chance to even "redo" what was done to me.

If you get the chance to go into the member's section, find the post in male survivor forum about my surgery. I won't repeat it here, but do know that the future has arrived. I had the surgery. And I wasn't hurt this time. No one did anything inappropriate to me in a sexual way. I was safe.

The future gave me the opportunity to redo some of what had been done to me. So many times, in so many ways. I am no longer afraid to dream. The future. Its gonna be here. And I am going to be a part of it, even if it means I don't know what tomorrow will look like. And when I read of the sadness in some of the voices of the guys that I lift up as being people I respect, it truly makes me cry. I can feel your pain. I know your pain. And I just want to say, "Man, the future is gonna come. I am 55 and I know its not too late for me. All we gotta' do is step on board and be open to what lays itself out in front of us."

.....as a side note... when I was coming out of the anesthesia the nurse told me I was asking for my spouse and wanted to know where she was (its been 9.5 years). lol... I guess love is still something I dream about.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#446731 - 09/09/13 02:22 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: ThisMan]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11103
Loc: Denver, CO
Quote:
I see this Hauser dude hasn't posted here in some time and hasn't since well before I joined. I hope he's ok. Does anyone know what happened to him?


He's around. He and I went to see Elysium a few days back. Feel free to send him a PM.


Edited by FormerTexan (09/09/13 02:37 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#446749 - 09/09/13 08:45 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Dear Hauser and all,

I was raised to be the chief of domestic counsel in the White House. My father was physically abusive from the time I was 4. My brother was sexual physically abusive from the time I was 10. My mother made me into her narcisitic supply, and directed me to pose naked for her friend when I was 12, My mother also had a man she thought might be a homosexual care for me when I was sick at 13. And after he had raped me she asked "Did you enjoy being penetrated?" I said no it hurt, She said Then you are O K." That was the last she would speak of it.

I was productive for many years basically 1965 to 1993. I directly and indirectly assisted 10,00 economically, dislocated, and injured people to get jobs. I was married for 25 years and raised 4 kids. I cared for my abusive parents until they died in 2001.

Then my self-sabatauge overwhelmed me. Although I had stopped my 27 years of alcoholic drinking, I could no longer disregard my self hatred and self injury. I became disabled in 2006. And have begun a process of healing, of letting go of my delusions, and choosing to seek self acceptance. I am not there yet. And though I was well on my way to achieve what my mother wanted, when I was 21, it would have killed me.

What I did and didn't due was part of my reaction to the abuse. It is that I could never accept me or my sense of self dignity that was the focus of my abuse.

Today I am trying to disaggregate what my mother did to incest me, from what she did to teach me skills. As long as I defend her, I will never accept myself.

The soul sickness that is the result of the abuse and being neglected or used, is too much to overcome. But, some of our life survives anyway.

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