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#385707 - 02/14/12 10:09 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Undiagnosed]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#385710 - 02/14/12 10:36 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1786
Yes it does impact our lives, some are destroyed forever, others hide the abuse until it becomes too much and sadly others leave us too soon. Yes it destroys our sense of self, but I am learning, do not give in, do not let those that abuse destroy your life-you can recover and heal. The ups and downs will come, sometimes the downs are very hard, but surround yourself with caring people--here at MS, support groups, friends, strangers and ignore those that make you feel worthless. A smile, a kind word, and understanding ear and it will help you gather the strength to move forward and heal. The CSA is not your fault, your reactions to the abuse and what you have done, are not who you truly are-you have value and do not need to recreate the abuse or do self harm or destruction to yourself--you have value and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You can recover and move forward. It will be a life learning time for you--you will learn who truly love you and will stand by you in your time of need. You may learn it is not those who you gave your life to, but in the end you will have the life you deserve and those who turn on you, will miss out on a wonderful and caring person. Go for it and rebuild



Edited by KMCINVA (02/14/12 10:48 AM)

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#385752 - 02/14/12 04:31 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey my friend.
I FULLY understand how abuse can kill any desire to better yourself, not to mention destroy any ability to accept you have a skill worth bettering... (is that a word?)
BUT
I also know that it is possible to reach a point where you believe you have a skill that is valuable and worth having. For me it started by reaching a place where I could believe that I was worth having a skill. (hope that makes sense).
Wasn't easy - still shaky and that belief in myself and my abilities wavers and falls flat often - but it's there when I never thought it could be.
I may never be the best at anything, but I do have valuable gifts to share with anyone who is willing to accept them. And if you can't accept your own value - can you accept mine? Because I value you.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#385769 - 02/14/12 06:39 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: MarkK]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
For me, the past has caused me to settle for a life of what i used to consider "mediocrity." As a young kid, I wanted to become a great writer and have books published and be famous for having written stories that everyonbe loved. That all changed when I was abused in middle school in a systematic and constant and nearly unanimous conspiracy of bullying. Everyone at school knew what had happened to me and i was so ashamed that i thought i would have to live an anonymous life so that no one would ever have the chance to expose me in the media and perpetuate my shame into adulthood. Today I even refuse to have a facebook account because i don't want any ghosts from the past to return to haunt me.

BUT my definition of success has changed. I have had a modest career in terms of financial rewards and public recognition, but a successful career in terms of personal fulfillment - doing something i enjoy and seeing my contibutions make a difference in other people's lives. So - what is the true meaning of greatness? I am content with what i have accomplished even though it doesn't fit my younger dreams. I consider myself blessed in that regard.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385780 - 02/14/12 07:33 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: traveler]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I remember being around 8 years old. We had a giant encyclopedia in our living room called “The Volume Library”. It had about 4000 pages, big book. Anyway, it had a human anatomy section and I studied it all the time. I read what I could, even though I didn’t understand many of the words. I would look at pictures and diagrams of the stomach and heart and other internal organs. I would ask my dad questions and he happily answered me with what he knew, such as “the liver takes toxic things out of our bodies and the lungs allow us to take in oxygen from the air, etc.” I was fascinated about our bodies, my body. I wanted to know how they worked. I wanted to be able to fix them when things went wrong.

I remember telling my dad something one day. I was in the truck with him while going to the store or whatever. I told him that I wanted to be a surgeon when I grew up. I was 8 years old, and I had dreams.

One year later, those dreams had disappeared; Lost in a sea of confusion, frustration, and shame. I never again studied anything in earnest and true desire. I was never meant to be like this. I had true dreams. I am convinced that I would have been a great surgeon, had I been left alone. I honestly feel that. Sad.


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#385785 - 02/14/12 07:49 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1488
It's never too late, Hauser. You are in the middle of life - you can go ANYWHERE from where you are right now. That's not idle banter - that's experience.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#385793 - 02/14/12 08:40 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Chase Eric]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Be Jouyous hauser for while the journey has been rough on us all, you now stand in the company of great people. We will support you in anything which is YOUR choice!!!

((((HAUSER)))

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#385829 - 02/14/12 11:56 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
WalkTheWalk Offline


Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
I don't like to accept that my CSA experiences ruined me or my life. I look at it as 4 years of abuse that altered the course of my life but did not ultimately define me as a man. My life, my actions and my soul belong to me now. I strive to seek that which gives me passion and pursue that which gives me joy. If we survivors give into the notion that we do not deserve joy, the alternative is to accept one man's/one abuser's legacy for us. We must fight against owning its burden and the personal peril that comes with it.

Hauser, I hope you find a way to peruse your joy whatever that may be for you.



Edited by WalkTheWalk (02/15/12 12:01 AM)
_________________________
- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

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#385909 - 02/15/12 01:29 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: WalkTheWalk]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Well, my fraternal brother, Hauser. I am spending a lot of time right now in reviewing my "life." As i'm coming up to my 3rd anniversary of having my inner child come back into my conscious mind.

It's been a long journey these past 3 years. Being 72..almost 73 years old makes it even a bit harder to come to terms with.

Like you, and most likely many others out there, i certainly do feel like my life was destroyed/pre-programed by my "mom."

From my birth i received nothing but hate, pain & fear. Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. I was the "man" of the house. That would destroy any kind of a emotional/mental relationship that would have towards a female.
I had always told her that I wished that she was dead. No loving or emotional/mental bonding with her.
She had taught me how to hate & fear females.

I was already emotionally, mentally, physically attracted to boys/males from around 5 years old. My gay sexuality was formed. It would be re-enforced when i went into the all boys orphanage/Home. Even though i had a sister 3 years younger. Couldn't remember much about her.
Being i was always told & berated as,being worthless, useless, never would amount to anything young boy for the first 17 years of my life. I had actually believed in those words.
Never having a father around just compounded those emotions/feelings.

I had kept myself a victim of her lies for all of my life. Never having a father, I never learned things that most boys do in a functional family.

I was a terror in school, no discipline always angry,on one hand very shy and on the other, always hey look at me,a real pain in the ass, a lonely severely abused boy. I guess that i already knew i was a failure so why try? Those destructive words.

No adult males around (except my Ralph) to give me an lasting emotional, mental & physical bond with. To teach me things that a father normally would.The things that Ralph taught & did to me would have life long ramifications.

Went into the Air Force on my 17Th birthday.That was an obsession with me since I was about 8 years old. As it was there that i disassociated myself from all that abuse. Barely passing the mental tests. What did i know about how gears turn? Or how radios work? Or how to fix cars/trucks? Really didn't know diddly squat about anything mechanical. Who was there to teach me? To encourage me? Nobody.
I was already into my drinking career,(16 yrs old) running away from something or somebody. (ME) as i know realise.

I never st rived for higher things. I was satisfied with the middle, where i was comfortable. I didn't have to try and improve myself further. How could I have. I believed in those destructive those words. Why even try?

Same went for my civilian career. I took jobs that were OK. Mostly ones that others didn't want to do. So i was secure there in lowly positions. Why try for things that i was more than likely qualified for? Why try? I believed in those destructive words.I settled for less.

Every day and every night i look at my picture of that young boy between 11-15 years old.
I remember of an incident between he and I a few years back, where i was ready, willing and capable of destroying our future. Remembering those destructive words. Fortunately that young boy finally believed in himself, trusted in himself & loved himself.

But, i still have to convince myself every day upon rising from bed, and going to bed, that those destroying words, emotions & feelings were false.

That young boys future was destroyed/pre programmed. It had defined who & what i was to become into my adulthood.

But, i tried to make sure that i didn't destroy any of my sons future. But, i failed miserably at that as one for what ever reason took his own life at a young 24 years old. A future destroyed.
But, that's all in the past. I'm proud of what that young boy has accomplished in his life against all the odds against him he has taught me about survival and life.
As usual from this old Irishmoose it probably does not make any sense. But like i have said before, i possess no eloquent words, nor do i possess any great amounts of wisdom. This probably re enforces that.

That destruction has defined who & what i am, and what i became.

Wishing all my fraternal brothers here well in life & healing, rising above all those destructive things in our shattered lives.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.







Edited by petercorbett (02/15/12 01:39 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#385915 - 02/15/12 02:50 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: philistine]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hauser,

I hope my previous reply does NOT sound condensending. I am at point in my recovery where I am assessing my worth to the world. I believe I could have been a great surgeon as well. I could have been much closer to my ex-wife and my children.

I know you are gift Hauser. It might take some time but, you will see it. You sharing of yourself is a gift to me.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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