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#385620 - 02/13/12 09:12 PM Future destroyed
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I am very upset right now.

At age 42, Iím just now coming to realize the magnitude of what was allowed to happen to me. Iím going to elaborate. Please bear with me.

Have you ever seen someone that excelled at what they do? That person who does something like no one else can? Think of something totally unique and exemplary to which that person applies his talent.

Did you ever see someone fix a car in 5 minutes? Did you ever see someone paint a beautiful landscape? Did you ever hear someone sing in a way that truly captures you? Did you ever see someone write in unix code as though it was his first language? Did you ever watch someone display a martial art skill that defies expectation? Did you ever see someone engineer the plans of a vast works project which benefits untold numbers of people? Did you ever see someone routinely create a culinary dish which endears you to always want to be around him when heís in the kitchen?

Did you ever look at someone and say ďthat guy is able to do something I will never be as good at, EVERĒ? I see this all the time.

Iíve come to believe that most people who find out what theyíre truly gifted at are not encumbered by the experience of sexual abuse. Why do I say this?

Well, maybe Iím unique, but, in my case, sexual abuse destroyed any desire to better or explore myself. Once abused and festering in silence, I lost any desire whatsoever to find out what Iím good at, or what I enjoy, or what I might find fulfillment in. Instead of embracing the life I was given, I instead simply numbed out and merely existed and merely did what was necessary in order to materially survive. My dreams were destroyed when I was sexually abused. Gone was any type of motivation to explore who the real ME was. It takes a GREAT deal of effort for me to simply do any kind of educational work to improve myself or my lot in life. I can sit and do homework for about 15 minutes before get frustrated and angry to the point where I canít actually learn anything any longer.

Do you want to destroy someoneís future? Itís really easy. Just sexually abuse a vulnerable child which wonít tell anyone what you did. Once youíre done, time will then do all the work for you. That boy will get frustrated and confused when trying to apply himself to all these seemingly easy tasks that all his classmates perform without much effort. Nothing will come easy to him; this includes mental discipline intimacy, relationships, staying focused on any given task, or just plain getting ahead in life. You will have set him up for a life of defeat, frustration, and loneliness. You should be congratulated for wrecking a life, but the congratulations is not yours alone, it must be shared by the childís parents who allowed the abuse to happen and didnít even realize any changes in their child after the fact.


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#385628 - 02/13/12 09:50 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#385632 - 02/13/12 10:24 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Hauser,

I feel your pain, brother. I'm 53 and I can tell you I blame my CSA on three failed relationships, 6 lost jobs, untold emotional suffering and anger... And like you, I am just as angry with those who ignored and hid what happened to me as much as the perps themselves... I speak from experience when I say;

"The only thing worse than being kidnapped, tortured, raped and murdered is being kidnapped, tortured, raped... and IGNORED." The kid who dies is done with his suffering, mine continues on, and on, and on...

I'm told that there IS healing, and I'm told that this might be a place where one can find it, or at least clues to what healing is... I'm sad that you and I both need to be here.

Remember the lessons you learned, if you can seperate the good from the bad...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385634 - 02/13/12 10:36 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: lapchinj]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hauser,

Part of me wanted to believe my future was destroyed just a little over a year ago. But, in 2011, as I spent months in and out of the hospital and a treatment center both of which had NO idea how to "help" a lonely washed up (I am 48) male sexual abuse survivor, I thought of all of the guys - fellow male sexual abuse survivors - including YOU.

Yes, Hauser I thought of you. I remember how you welcomed me and encouraged me when I first joined malesurvivor. It was your "gift" for which you shared with me. Ok so maybe you can't fix a car in 5 minutes or do all of the things you listed but, you have a gift. You shared of yourself which is a gift for me.

Please keep sharing the gift with us here.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#385641 - 02/13/12 10:51 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Avery46]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1403
Loc: California
Hi Hauser,

I see you've been around here a while. I'm a newbie compared to you.

I do hope that you can focus your energies on finding out who you are, and learning how to love yourself. I, like yourself, spent decades in turmoil and rage, completely demoralized, and thinking I was stupid because I just couldn't "get it".

As Avery said, you do have within you a tremendous gift. The sad truth is, your parents should have protected you and taught you how to love yourself. But you have the power to do those things for yourself. If you don't know how (like I don't), learn how to.

Wonderful things do await you - including healing, recovery, and as a friend of mine put it (also a CSA survivor) - "The JOY of discovery!". It is a great journey to take, to learn who onesself is, and how to love yourself.

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. You may not see it, but Avery sees it, and I see it too - you have incredible power within you. I hope you see and believe it yourself soon.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#385651 - 02/13/12 11:21 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Undiagnosed]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: Undiagnosed
"The only thing worse than being kidnapped, tortured, raped and murdered is being kidnapped, tortured, raped... and IGNORED." The kid who dies is done with his suffering, mine continues on, and on, and on...

Not far from me and during the period of my own abuse, a boy was tortured, raped and murdered. His story continues to haunt me to this day. He was a shoeshine boy, seduced by three or four men with the promise of fast money, held captive for 12 hours, then they showed their appreciation by holding his head down in a sink full of water until he drowned. Had they brought him up for air and asked him if he would have preferred to die or be ignored, I KNOW what that answer would have been. But he was never given the choice.

I was ignored - thrown right back into a serial molester's arms seemingly by my own parents. In my darkest moments, I used to toy with the thought of trading places with that fragile little boy whose life was extinguished. So easy an answer - death. But in truth, I would not - any more than I would wish anyone else here to make that choice. In the end, despite the cards we hold in a crappy hand, one of them is still the Jack of Life. Even those who ultimately throw that card are better off than being murdered. At least THAT choice is on their own terms and time, not their abuser's.

I never forget that I am here - at MS. He never had a chance to be, and the comments in each thread that you don't read are his. There are a few of us who have been silenced before even getting here. Never forget them. Always respect them.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#385658 - 02/14/12 12:17 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Magellan]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Hauser

Sorry for your pain, Odd thing for me and a couple of my survivor friends here is that we excel at things, we are the better ones at the programming, fixing cars, Playing instruments, etc.

But having said that, we lack the confidence to use it in a constructive way. We are so damaged that we cannot use the great talents that we have, strange, we are encumbered with a double curse.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385660 - 02/14/12 12:36 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Chase Eric]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I never forget that I am here - at MS. He never had a chance to be, and the comments in each thread that you don't read are his. There are a few of us who have been silenced before even getting here. Never forget them. Always respect them.


Amen, Eric. Amen...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

Top
#385666 - 02/14/12 12:50 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Hauser
I am very upset right now.

At age 42, Iím just now coming to realize the magnitude of what was allowed to happen to me. Iím going to elaborate. Please bear with me.

Have you ever seen someone that excelled at what they do? That person who does something like no one else can? Think of something totally unique and exemplary to which that person applies his talent.

Did you ever see someone fix a car in 5 minutes? Did you ever see someone paint a beautiful landscape? Did you ever hear someone sing in a way that truly captures you? Did you ever see someone write in unix code as though it was his first language? Did you ever watch someone display a martial art skill that defies expectation? Did you ever see someone engineer the plans of a vast works project which benefits untold numbers of people? Did you ever see someone routinely create a culinary dish which endears you to always want to be around him when heís in the kitchen?

Did you ever look at someone and say ďthat guy is able to do something I will never be as good at, EVERĒ? I see this all the time.

Iíve come to believe that most people who find out what theyíre truly gifted at are not encumbered by the experience of sexual abuse. Why do I say this?

Well, maybe Iím unique, but, in my case, sexual abuse destroyed any desire to better or explore myself. Once abused and festering in silence, I lost any desire whatsoever to find out what Iím good at, or what I enjoy, or what I might find fulfillment in. Instead of embracing the life I was given, I instead simply numbed out and merely existed and merely did what was necessary in order to materially survive. My dreams were destroyed when I was sexually abused. Gone was any type of motivation to explore who the real ME was. It takes a GREAT deal of effort for me to simply do any kind of educational work to improve myself or my lot in life. I can sit and do homework for about 15 minutes before get frustrated and angry to the point where I canít actually learn anything any longer.

Do you want to destroy someoneís future? Itís really easy. Just sexually abuse a vulnerable child which wonít tell anyone what you did. Once youíre done, time will then do all the work for you. That boy will get frustrated and confused when trying to apply himself to all these seemingly easy tasks that all his classmates perform without much effort. Nothing will come easy to him; this includes mental discipline intimacy, relationships, staying focused on any given task, or just plain getting ahead in life. You will have set him up for a life of defeat, frustration, and loneliness. You should be congratulated for wrecking a life, but the congratulations is not yours alone, it must be shared by the childís parents who allowed the abuse to happen and didnít even realize any changes in their child after the fact.



I get you totally. Just want to know how to fix it really. Oh, I should add the 12 shrinks who made it worse scamming me out of $100-200-250 an hour for nothing but lies.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385679 - 02/14/12 03:12 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: phoenix321]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
In order to be the best at something, desire to be the best must consume one.

I am good at a lot of things but have never felt the NEED to be best.

I instead chose to have a life.

There may be good points to not being the best.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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