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#384526 - 02/05/12 11:34 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Sobernow]
trust123 Offline


Registered: 02/02/12
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
thank you so much, working on it this week =)


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#384528 - 02/05/12 11:46 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: trust123]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Trust123-

Your post this evening made me realize I'd neglected to suggest you check out www.recoverynation.com.

You have so much to consider. You not only have to sift through the infidelity and all of this new information, but you have to make a life-altering decision in the midst of this storm. With everything swirling around you, you need to decide if you should marry this man. That's a LOT on your plate.

Do you think you could postpone any and all wedding plans for the time being? That's not to say you won't marry him, but for now, you both need to give your full attention to this crisis.

Because you mentioned you need to focus on YOU, which is positively true, I hope you'll see if recoverynation.com can help you. The focus in the "Partners" section (for us supporters) is on US. You will learn tons about the acting out behaviors, and will work through lessons that will help you recognize your own core values. You'll learn about you, how to set boundaries for yourself, and will come to know what you will and will not accept for your life.

It sounds like your beloved is owning his recovery. You will do him, yourself and your future together a great service in working on you during this time. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you; it only means your heart and mind hold answers that you need to uncover. RN might help you do that.

I'm in your corner cheering you on!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384534 - 02/06/12 12:31 AM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: herowannabe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Trust, hang on there.
Your health and well being should be your priority and first thing on your list. Obviously you need some time to adopt on this amount of stress and all this mess. No matter if you are considering marring survivor or "regular" gay, you mustn't be so hard to yourself and maybe you too have to learn some lessons in first place.
It must be feeling like you entered huge storm and you can't see way out. Please calm yourself, you can't save the world by your own shoulders.
Please do what ever you need to gain your inner peace even that includes temporary separation from your boyfriend. Also maybe you should consider stop reading some "scary" posts written here at MS and try to avoid things that are in some way traumatic for you. Outside world is same as it was before you entered this crazy zone, nothing much has changed!
Take as much time as you need and change or postpone all "big" plans/decisions to your comfort. You need to get your full integrity back in first place and than you'll be ready for thinking and making decision on future!
Be well smile!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#384570 - 02/06/12 11:46 AM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Castle]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: Castle
[...]
Edited to add: Watching porn is not bad and evil. Like any coping mechanism too much can be bad, and some people do become addicted to it...but blanketly saying all porn in bad, is just not right...and not everybody believes that some porn viewing constitutes infedelity...and there are plenty of couples who view porn together...Its based on a person and situation not such generalities...and can be/should be discussed at T as to whats healthy for him and whats not healthy.


Agree. I think it's like drinking alcohol. You can enjoy a good glass of wine and stay within healthy limits, that doesn't make you an alcoholic.
The question here is, whether the porn becomes a 'must' or is compulsive. Same with masturbation. That in itself is not bad, but if it is compulsive, then there's a problem.

Forgot to add: You are certainly not overreacting!
You are also doing the right thing, by researching and educating yourself about the matter.



Edited by Shawushka (02/06/12 11:47 AM)

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#385079 - 02/09/12 09:17 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I just want to comment on the porn thing...

My husband and I watched porn together maybe twice a month for YEARS. I never saw it as an issue... and then he cheated on me. Not that the two are related, but that was a wake up call for me about what constitutes infidelity.

The thing is, porn often creates a low hum of shame - for most people. Porn is secretive, you don't watch it on your ipod on the city bus (usually). Porn feels a little dirty.

All of this is fine UNLESS you are a person who is already dealing with shame, lack of intimacy and feeling dirty. WHY EXACERBATE THAT????


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#385575 - 02/13/12 12:02 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Esposa]
trust123 Offline


Registered: 02/02/12
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you guys so much for checking on me =)

I am doing better, eating, getting to work and trying to find peace. Prayer has helped, helps me not fall back into depression. I figured the inability to control my tears and crying hysterical at walmart in the yogurt section was a bit much =( I was 2 seconds away from a breakdown..... I could not take it anymore, I had to tell my mom some of it (just that he was texting girls) so she could keep an eye on me and slow down all the wedding plans.

I am learning that a terrible aspect of abuse is the secrecy of it. its such a burden, literally a weight lifted of my shoulders when i found this chat and when i told my mom even if it was only 10% of the truth.

I just can't suffer alone.... not that i want my mom to suffer with me but I needed to tell someone.. i need all the support I can get.

I keep thinking about lesson i am learning.... so very many: Being grateful, less judgmental, more realistic, making me my priority, reconnecting with my faith, true meaning of love.... so very many...

All plans are on hold, so i am not trying to rush into any decisions. Thanks for that advise guys =)

I am working on the recoverynation.com what a great website! thanks again for that.

we are going to see the therapist on thursday. He saw her alone last week and he was very happy with the process. lets see how it goes....


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#385605 - 02/13/12 06:06 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Brilliance, Esposa!

The topic isn't a debate on the evils or lack thereof of porn. This particular survivor is acting out, and porn (2x weekly) is a symptom of that acting out. Unchecked acting out easily slides into addiction.

While it's true that candy is not evil, it can be deadly to a diabetic.

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#385606 - 02/13/12 06:17 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: herowannabe]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
All you've posted is very, very good stuff, Trust!

We all know that a survivor needs professional help to process his trauma. Unfortunately, the supporter- the most important person in the survivor's life- is left to her (or his) own devices. It's a cold, lonely desert you're wandering through.

You are doing everything you can to seek education and understanding. You are looking inward so you will be better prepared to be a good support for him, and so you can make wise decisions for your own self. And you're doing all of this while suffering your own unique paralyzing hurt. You're doing great! (Even in the yogurt section!) smile

Good for you for doing what you can to slow down the wedding plans, and for leaning on your mom at this time. While you don't feel you can completely unload on her, you have us here. F&F are at different points in the desert, so lean on us. Keep posting! Keep reaching out!

We are here for you, hon!!!

Hugs-
herowannabe
P.S. So happy you are finding help at RN!

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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