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#385496 - 02/12/12 09:21 PM appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp?
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
Iím not actually planning on doing this any time soon. Itís just we unfortunately see my husbandís perp on a very regular basis. And Iím getting very fed up with his narcissistic and manipulative behaviour. And furthermore heís attempts to constantly degrade everyone.

Although his perp is undoubtedly nasty, heís not exactly intelligent. So whenever he says something as an attempt to degrade myself or my husband Iím usually pretty good at answering back with something that simply makes him (the perp) look like an idiot. Which is usually satisfying enough.

But I hate how my husbandís perp continues to act like this in front of his family (who know nothing of what heís done). I donít want to confront him as an attempt to threaten him. I just sometimes feel like telling him that I know what heís done. That he can try to deny and bury his actions as deeply as he wants; that he might have successfully convinced the rest of his family that heís just the Ďlarrikin of the familyí Ė but I know how truly sick he is. And Iím not about to forget it.

Would this be wildly inappropriate (I wouldnít do it without my husbandís consent). Or should I just try to continue being somewhat civil towards his perp?

Thanks for your time.


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#385498 - 02/12/12 09:28 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Irs my understanding that wives/partners follow the lead of the survivor. I don't know how you do it regularly. I ran into a one time perp last year at a family function and was physically ill all day and night. His primary perp is a close family member and I just bow out of all interactions. I unfriended on FB, his picture Is too much for me. But my husband isn't there yet (and may never be) so I fall back. You provably should too. A big problem for some survivors is control and power and approaching a perp even on his behalf seems like overstepping.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#385499 - 02/12/12 09:34 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: GoodHope]
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
Thanks very much GoodHope for your quick response. I agree, I would hate to overstep my boundary as a supporter of my husband. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. We had a family function yesterday, which is probably why I'm a bit more frustrated than usual.
Thanks again.


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#385501 - 02/12/12 09:48 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: lovehim202
Thanks very much GoodHope for your quick response. I agree, I would hate to overstep my boundary as a supporter of my husband. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. We had a family function yesterday, which is probably why I'm a bit more frustrated than usual.
Thanks again.


Inappropriate. Recommend no since you don't have the facts so to speak like he does. After he does, go ahead, let it out.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385510 - 02/12/12 10:23 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Horribly inappropriate in my opinion.

If my wife called up or contacted any one of them it would be utterly the last time I ever confided absolutely anything of my struggles with her, and she complains already that I don't share enough, but the truth is, there are things I have shared that she in turn has shared with others because she thought it would be "helpful" so I now share less because it's not her place to share anything that I trust her with.


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#385511 - 02/12/12 10:47 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: JustScott]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
Any type of confrontaton should be on the survivors schedule, and completly under his control.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#385525 - 02/13/12 12:52 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: Castle]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Bad Idea Lovehim,
This would only add to the stress that the H is going through. He would worry about the ramifications of your actions and would not be able to focus on the most important task right now. HEALING.

Noble concept but his past is not yours to repair, he needs to do that himself. It would be like doing your child's homework, sure they would get good marks initially, but they would not learn anything.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385528 - 02/13/12 02:58 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: whome]
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
thanks everyone. I won't be confronting the perp in any way.



Edited by lovehim202 (02/13/12 03:15 AM)

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#385529 - 02/13/12 03:16 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3206
Loc: back in the USA
Looks like you already got the message, but i'll "fifth" the motion not to. I'm sure it would be intended as a gsture of love and support and protection on your part, but ...

I would feel very much diminished in that situation - like i was not enough of a "man" in your eyes to do what should be done. And like you were taking everything out of his hands.

But bless you for wanting to!

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#385577 - 02/13/12 12:34 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: traveler]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY

interesting comments.

i don't suggest one way or another. however, if i were in the husband's shoes - knowing my wife is an independent thinker and lady of action - whatever she did or does is up to her. the consequences are also up to her to handle as well.

if she confronted the perpetrator - that would be her thing. i would go about my business of recovery and whatever. and while i may not tell my wife what i think about her confrontation. i'd probably smile when she wasn't looking....

_________________________
Jeff

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#385582 - 02/13/12 01:33 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: lovehim202
Would this be wildly inappropriate

yes

_________________________
the story
††† https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#385602 - 02/13/12 05:49 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Lovehim202-

Can I just offer you my love and compassion? It is excruciating to have to lay eyes on one who so deeply hurt the one you most love. It takes superhuman strength to not strike out in defense of your beloved. The advice given above is valid, though you already knew that.

The advice I most like is WestChesterguy's:

Quote:
i don't suggest one way or another. however, if i were in the husband's shoes - knowing my wife is an independent thinker and lady of action - whatever she did or does is up to her. the consequences are also up to her to handle as well.

if she confronted the perpetrator - that would be her thing. i would go about my business of recovery and whatever. and while i may not tell my wife what i think about her confrontation. i'd probably smile when she wasn't looking....


This is your problem, too. This is your family, too. That being said, your first allegiance is to your husband's wishes. Maybe he would be well-served in having you defend the little boy who was defenseless? Or maybe he would feel re-victimized at having to deal with the confrontation?

If he doesn't feel strongly one way or the other, I say to your own self be true.

But remember, words once spoken, can't be taken back.

Talk to your husband about your feelings. Just knowing how strongly you want to defend him is a great validation of your love. And who could not want that?

Praying for wisdom for you!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#385608 - 02/13/12 06:35 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: herowannabe]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: herowannabe
...I say to your own self be true....
Talk to your husband about your feelings. Just knowing how strongly you want to defend him is a great validation of your love. And who could not want that?


nicely stated hero.

i don't know you all... maybe there is some self-preservation reason why i never had a child. for... if i had a child and s/he was sexually abused. i'd be in jail for murder. no doubts. no remorse. no questions. so, if the worst thing anyone else does is "confront" an offender, well - to each his own. the offending community should feel safe with that response.





_________________________
Jeff

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#385627 - 02/13/12 09:44 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: westchesterguy]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Take CSA out of the equation for a minute. Do you want your spouse make and act on a decision that impacts you an your family for the rest of your lives without your consent. Think buying a home or borrowing against your life savings to start a business. I think we all would agree that on major decisions like that both parties should have a say so and not move forward til there is agreement. It's maddening but the right thing to do. I wouldn't honor the agreement If I saw my husbands perp alone w a child other than his own, but otherwise I'd stick to the silence agreement. It KILLS me to pretend which is why I back out of known interactions. My journey in this world is teaching me that what I believe in my heart is right does not supersede what someone else in their heart thinks is right. I desperately want full disclosure. I honestly believe healing will take place faster. My husband holds a vaunted place in his family, one his abuser does not, so I don't foresee a problem w disbelief. But I married into this family. There may be a back story I'm unfamiliar w. family dynamics I can't possibly understand. And at the end of the day it might just boil down to him not being ready. I don't want to usurp his progress . I hate Knowing who his perp is because now I'm an accomplice to a pedophile w my silence, but my primary allegiance is to my husband and his healing. My only hope is that since his perp was a teen, he did not become an adult perp (my reading says most don't). When hubby is ready, it is ON! no more silence. No more secrets. No more shame.



Edited by GoodHope (02/13/12 09:45 PM)
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#385689 - 02/14/12 04:53 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: GoodHope]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
"Noble concept but his past is not yours to repair, he needs to do that himself. It would be like doing your child's homework, sure they would get good marks initially, but they would not learn anything." - Exactly your heart is in the right place. And thankfully your mind hasnt been exposed to the horrors first hand so your mind will never be in the same place. Let your love be your guide. It was strong enough for you to ask us what you should do. Complete strangers yet no so strange after all. Trust your love is all he needs.

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#385721 - 02/14/12 12:29 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: Treehugger75]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
I know for a fact, my wife hates he perp, would love to get her hands on him, say what she thinks of him....and maybe some time she can do the yelling part.

She does respect me and my process enough to know that its not appropriate...and we talk about it, and I know she cares and thats eough for me for now...and me hearing her frustration has to be anough for her right now.

It certainly is tough, but one should never take the process and control way from their survivors...I would think even if a survivor asked his spouse to say something, they shouldn't per se, cause it may take away some of the work from the survivor. With that, anything to do with confrontation or disclosure, including the above example should be brought to T to be hashed out, look at the angles before any type of action.

Revictimization is not worth it in any way, shape or form.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#386030 - 02/16/12 12:16 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: westchesterguy]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
The simple answer is "No", imho.
Unless your husband also wants a confrontation but doesn't feel strong enough to say something and is happy that someone else will be the harbinger.


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