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#385496 - 02/12/12 09:21 PM appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp?
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
Iím not actually planning on doing this any time soon. Itís just we unfortunately see my husbandís perp on a very regular basis. And Iím getting very fed up with his narcissistic and manipulative behaviour. And furthermore heís attempts to constantly degrade everyone.

Although his perp is undoubtedly nasty, heís not exactly intelligent. So whenever he says something as an attempt to degrade myself or my husband Iím usually pretty good at answering back with something that simply makes him (the perp) look like an idiot. Which is usually satisfying enough.

But I hate how my husbandís perp continues to act like this in front of his family (who know nothing of what heís done). I donít want to confront him as an attempt to threaten him. I just sometimes feel like telling him that I know what heís done. That he can try to deny and bury his actions as deeply as he wants; that he might have successfully convinced the rest of his family that heís just the Ďlarrikin of the familyí Ė but I know how truly sick he is. And Iím not about to forget it.

Would this be wildly inappropriate (I wouldnít do it without my husbandís consent). Or should I just try to continue being somewhat civil towards his perp?

Thanks for your time.


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#385498 - 02/12/12 09:28 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Irs my understanding that wives/partners follow the lead of the survivor. I don't know how you do it regularly. I ran into a one time perp last year at a family function and was physically ill all day and night. His primary perp is a close family member and I just bow out of all interactions. I unfriended on FB, his picture Is too much for me. But my husband isn't there yet (and may never be) so I fall back. You provably should too. A big problem for some survivors is control and power and approaching a perp even on his behalf seems like overstepping.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#385499 - 02/12/12 09:34 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: GoodHope]
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
Thanks very much GoodHope for your quick response. I agree, I would hate to overstep my boundary as a supporter of my husband. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. We had a family function yesterday, which is probably why I'm a bit more frustrated than usual.
Thanks again.


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#385501 - 02/12/12 09:48 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: lovehim202
Thanks very much GoodHope for your quick response. I agree, I would hate to overstep my boundary as a supporter of my husband. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. We had a family function yesterday, which is probably why I'm a bit more frustrated than usual.
Thanks again.


Inappropriate. Recommend no since you don't have the facts so to speak like he does. After he does, go ahead, let it out.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385510 - 02/12/12 10:23 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
Horribly inappropriate in my opinion.

If my wife called up or contacted any one of them it would be utterly the last time I ever confided absolutely anything of my struggles with her, and she complains already that I don't share enough, but the truth is, there are things I have shared that she in turn has shared with others because she thought it would be "helpful" so I now share less because it's not her place to share anything that I trust her with.


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#385511 - 02/12/12 10:47 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: JustScott]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Any type of confrontaton should be on the survivors schedule, and completly under his control.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#385525 - 02/13/12 12:52 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: Castle]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Bad Idea Lovehim,
This would only add to the stress that the H is going through. He would worry about the ramifications of your actions and would not be able to focus on the most important task right now. HEALING.

Noble concept but his past is not yours to repair, he needs to do that himself. It would be like doing your child's homework, sure they would get good marks initially, but they would not learn anything.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385528 - 02/13/12 02:58 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: whome]
lovehim202 Offline


Registered: 08/28/11
Posts: 16
thanks everyone. I won't be confronting the perp in any way.



Edited by lovehim202 (02/13/12 03:15 AM)

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#385529 - 02/13/12 03:16 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3356
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Looks like you already got the message, but i'll "fifth" the motion not to. I'm sure it would be intended as a gsture of love and support and protection on your part, but ...

I would feel very much diminished in that situation - like i was not enough of a "man" in your eyes to do what should be done. And like you were taking everything out of his hands.

But bless you for wanting to!

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385577 - 02/13/12 12:34 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: traveler]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY

interesting comments.

i don't suggest one way or another. however, if i were in the husband's shoes - knowing my wife is an independent thinker and lady of action - whatever she did or does is up to her. the consequences are also up to her to handle as well.

if she confronted the perpetrator - that would be her thing. i would go about my business of recovery and whatever. and while i may not tell my wife what i think about her confrontation. i'd probably smile when she wasn't looking....

_________________________
Jeff

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