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#385489 - 02/12/12 08:54 PM How do women view Male victims
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
women in general, how do they view men who were sexually abused as boys by adult men? do they view them as being weaker? less of a man? damaged? One of the reasons why I would never put myself in a sexual situation with a female is because I don't want it and also because it's disgusting, especially for the fact that I had sex with 3 males in total, my abusers, 5-12, one of them being my own father. That's disgusting. Who wants to have sex with someone who had sex with their own father? that's disgusting, nobody would, especially when you penetrated him (not my idea) with your penis. Imagine that, pretty sick stuff, would make any women not want to approach you in a sexual way, it's understandable, i'm disgusting, i wouldn't want to have sex either if the women had incest, most likely not


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#385494 - 02/12/12 09:20 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: DarkHadou]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
women in general, how do they view men who were sexually abused as boys by adult men? do they view them as being weaker? less of a man? damaged? One of the reasons why I would never put myself in a sexual situation with a female is because I don't want it and also because it's disgusting, especially for the fact that I had sex with 3 males in total, my abusers, 5-12, one of them being my own father. That's disgusting. Who wants to have sex with someone who had sex with their own father? that's disgusting, nobody would, especially when you penetrated him (not my idea) with your penis. Imagine that, pretty sick stuff, would make any women not want to approach you in a sexual way, it's understandable, i'm disgusting, i wouldn't want to have sex either if the women had incest, most likely not


I'd say 90% shun us (in my personal experience). On the same token, I'd say 99% of men shun us (in my personal experience).

It doesn't bother me though (I'll be friends with CSA survivors). Shit happens.



Edited by phoenix321 (02/13/12 09:27 PM)
Edit Reason: correction
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385500 - 02/12/12 09:38 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
Fidex Offline


Registered: 11/09/11
Posts: 37
I doubt there's an 'in general' answer. There are a lot of women who are caring and supportive of their male friends and partners from what i've seen on this site.


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#385502 - 02/12/12 09:49 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: phoenix321


I'd say 90% shun us (in my personal experience). On the same token, I'd say 99% of men shun us (in my personal experience).



I honestly think you are 100% correct.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#385508 - 02/12/12 10:11 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: DarkHadou]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
...how do they view men who were sexually abused as boys by adult men? ....


DarkHadou,

You ask some very great questions. I agree with you so much. I have asked myself these same questions. I am not sure we will get those answers here on MS though. I have not sat down to write out these questions so, "seeing" them written out here is like a light bulb coming on.

I know I asked myself the question "would my wife have sex with me if she knew I had sex with my mom" and "my uncle" and .... The last time I asked myself this question was 21 years ago. I divorced my wife shortly there after so, I canNOT ask her the question anymore. Incest or any sexual abuse is disgusting. When I started having memories 5 years ago, I told my partner at the time. I was told your lying. "I want to have sex" is what I was told.

I hope the answer will come someday.

Thanks for posting these questions.

Peace,
Avery



Edited by Avery46 (02/12/12 10:11 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#385512 - 02/12/12 11:18 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
timetested Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
I don't know the figures, but I would ask the question: is the shunning a result of the actual act of abuse, which somehow pollutes us, or is the shunning a reaction to our own perception of ourselves that we transmit to others? I am not sure.


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#385515 - 02/12/12 11:30 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: timetested]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: timetested
I don't know the figures, but I would ask the question: is the shunning a result of the actual act of abuse, which somehow pollutes us, or is the shunning a reaction to our own perception of ourselves that we transmit to others? I am not sure.


Does it hurt any less?

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385521 - 02/13/12 12:12 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
redsox046 Offline


Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 56
Loc: BOSTON
Me and my ex-girlfriend were sleeping together off and on for a couple years and i told her i had been abuse and she was really supportive and accepting and still found me attractive but then i went into detail about it when i was drunk one night and now she wants nothing to do with me sexually anymore. So word to the wise...i think its great to tell your sexual partner or girlfriend or wife about it to get their support but try not to go into to much detail about it because i think most women want to have a certain view of the guy their with.


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#385535 - 02/13/12 04:49 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
timetested Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
No, it is simply a question of what has to be fixed.


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#385562 - 02/13/12 10:18 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: timetested]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
We were married for about two years or so when my wife read a news story about a pedo getting arrested and blaming it on being a CSA victim.

She said something like: Men that were abused as boys are high risk to hurt kids themselves.

As we had an infant in our house at the time, I thought "well, I will never tell her about THAT!" I think I was a little fearful too that she might be RIGHT!

That was 18 years ago, and I still haven't told her... (and yes the kids were/are totally safe with me around).

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#385566 - 02/13/12 10:51 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: redsox046]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Redsox and Jim1961,

Yep, the first psychiatrist I had knew about the CSA and he told me, "Men won't understand and women will hold it against you because it makes you unmanly. It's a rarity even if we [psychiatric profession] understand." He had been a psychiatrist for an easy 30 years when I saw him (and was nuts to be honest). He had seen it all. That's why I've told very, very, very few. Maybe 2 people outside of MS in the course of daily life. Now, telling people you're Bipolar, he said, "Most get that. It's common."

When I said I didn't care, shit happens, I meant that toward others I might know. Others telling me they had CSA didn't make them seem less of a person or damaged beyond repair. Just a person.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385578 - 02/13/12 12:36 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
timetested Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
That's what I would call a problem of education in society in general. One of the biggest challenges we have is to break that myth that the abused will inevitably become abusers.

Optimistically (naively, perhaps), I believe that as issues of male sexual abuse gain greater attention, people will come to see how common it is, and how just about everyone knows someone who was affected by it. That is one small step toward shattering that myth.

Having said that, there is still a lot that we can/should do to dispel that false notion.


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#385584 - 02/13/12 01:36 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Still]
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Originally Posted By: phoenix321


I'd say 90% shun us (in my personal experience). On the same token, I'd say 99% of men shun us (in my personal experience).



I honestly think you are 100% correct.


I refuse to be labeled by 90%, 99% or even 100%. What do those ignorant people know of our lives and what it means to be a man?

The answer: Nothing.

Many of us, if not all of us, have experienced more pain, more shame, and more hard learned lessons in life than any boy or man or woman can imagine.

It is true there is not a social space for us in many places; however, we have to make the social space. I look back at the people who are here in their 50's, 60's, 70's+ who are dealing with this crap, and I'm thankful they have done it. If not, I would not be here or be as far as long as I am.

I know many men and women. I do not talk about what specifically happened to me; however, I speak out every chance I get. Last year, I had a friend close to me (albeit while drunk) tell me he was abused. He's even younger than I am! But he only felt comfortable admitting it because I admitted it first and I provided a space for the story to be heard. A place where the story could be believed.

The 90% or 99% are living a lie. We are living in truth. We know first hand it happens. We know first hand that we are tough, compassionate, and hard to kill buggers! We will survive and thrive to make that number 90%/99% much lower in future generations and even in our own.

We can make a difference. We already are.

_________________________
http://youtu.be/HL297ZTYVRM <---- In case you ever wondered what I sound like.

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#385586 - 02/13/12 02:14 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Sacred_Sage]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
This is a great post. This is a topic on lots of men's (and women's) minds.

I will continue to voice my story (not in details) to safe people. I will be the safe person for others to talk to. I will be a "trailblazer" for us male survivors.

I have heard and look forward to discovering survivors both men and women in 12step groups.

As Sacred_Sage said above "We can make a difference. We already are."

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#385587 - 02/13/12 02:26 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: redsox046]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: redsox046
...i went into detail about it when i was drunk one night and now she wants nothing to do with me sexually anymore...


i hope your next girlfriend is a human being.
hold out for only the best. smile
that is what you deserve.

_________________________
Jeff

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#385595 - 02/13/12 04:31 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: westchesterguy]
redsox046 Offline


Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 56
Loc: BOSTON
in my experience with males responses to it i've notice i have lost the respect of the close male friends i told. They are still my close friends but they treat me like i'm less of a man then i was before i told them. I just wanna be like "Id like to see you deal with this BITCHES" "you would probably go curl up in a corner and cry like a bunch of little girls". Society certainly doesn't really understand it very well, and its a terrible thing.


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#385596 - 02/13/12 04:46 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: redsox046]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
redsox, i agree society doesn't understand it really well. maybe i'm lucky, i don't know. i've never had a male or female think of me any differently. in fact most of my female friends -past and present- know first hand what i'm talking about. frown of the guys, some have also had experiences but not likely what we talk about here. otherwise they were always very understanding. guess we wouldn't be friends if they weren't. smile

_________________________
Jeff

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#385613 - 02/13/12 07:01 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: westchesterguy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
The way others react - and/or the fear of it is probly the main reason that most of us guard our terrible secret as if it was a matter of life and death ... and sometimes it is.

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385615 - 02/13/12 07:37 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: DarkHadou]
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
I disagree with all of you. I have been in at least 6 relationships with women who have embraced, loved me, and understood my trauma. Women have the amazing capability to withstand more than what you can think of. They did not love me any less because I was abused. I am in a relationship right now with a woman who has done a lot of research into the abuse of males because she wants to understand me and be there for me, not save me. I am not "less attractive" to women because of what happened to me, matter of fact I am a stud. I am incredibly desirable, and I know how to act like a man.

The question you need to ask yourself is what kind of image am I projecting into the world that makes me unattractive?


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#385622 - 02/13/12 09:24 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: philipdeal]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: philipdeal
I disagree with all of you. I have been in at least 6 relationships with women who have embraced, loved me, and understood my trauma. Women have the amazing capability to withstand more than what you can think of. They did not love me any less because I was abused. I am in a relationship right now with a woman who has done a lot of research into the abuse of males because she wants to understand me and be there for me, not save me. I am not "less attractive" to women because of what happened to me, matter of fact I am a stud. I am incredibly desirable, and I know how to act like a man.

The question you need to ask yourself is what kind of image am I projecting into the world that makes me unattractive?


Philip, rub it in. You are very, very, very lucky. Disagree all you want. 90% women/99% men shunned CSA survivors I personally saw (even among those with mental illness). Had lots of sex over the years (including an orgy) but no relationships out of it. Yeah, it made me feel like a hooker. I keep my mouth shut. In real life, I would not broach the subject of CSA unless it was a support group and I knew them well and did not work with them. I project shallowness/superficialness. Not by choice but by surviving so many years.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385635 - 02/13/12 10:43 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
I agree to Philipdeal,
I'm always surrounded by huge bunch of women and they are all very supportive. Generally speaking (well it is my experience) they want to know as much details as possible and they are always trying to be very protective to me.
This thread made me think about my feelings in case that some abuse had happened to some other person to whom I might be attracted. Would I mind related to sexual attraction and in some physical sense, would I have some problematic thoughts regarding that and what would be my feelings?
I'm not some kind of Puritan and I've found that I wouldn't be turned off by such thing. I would be worried for well being of that other person and also in some way more protective but certainly I wouldn't be feeling less attracted sexually.
I hate when people are one dimensional and let say very shallow. In that respect I mean that is impossible for me to see someone just as plain sexual thing and "dirty" as consequence of some abusive past. That is just small fraction of someone's personality. General picture is always much more complex...

Pero

_________________________
My story

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#385644 - 02/13/12 11:00 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: peroperic2009]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I agree to Philipdeal,
I'm always surrounded by huge bunch of women and they are all very supportive. Generally speaking (well it is my experience) they want to know as much details as possible and they are always trying to be very protective to me.
This thread made me think about my feelings in case that some abuse had happened to some other person to whom I might be attracted. Would I mind related to sexual attraction and in some physical sense, would I have some problematic thoughts regarding that and what would be my feelings?
I'm not some kind of Puritan and I've found that I wouldn't be turned off by such thing. I would be worried for well being of that other person and also in some way more protective but certainly I wouldn't be feeling less attracted sexually.
I hate when people are one dimensional and let say very shallow. In that respect I mean that is impossible for me to see someone just as plain sexual thing and "dirty" as consequence of some abusive past. That is just small fraction of someone's personality. General picture is always much more complex...

Pero


Pero, it might be culture too. America has become narcissistic (me, me, me) and shallow IMO. I've definitely noticed men and women from Europe seem way more open to stuff (definitely to mental illness in general was my experience). Most of the gay men I've met over the years were definitely open to stuff. Just my experience. American businesses definitely discriminates against anyone with issues in my experience. Sad.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385647 - 02/13/12 11:11 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
RollerCoaster Offline


Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA
This is a really great question and I am no expert, but from my experience here are my 2 cents:
People see in us, what we see in ourselves. Its true that most men/women shun us, but don't we shun ourselves? Most of us lack self-love, dont we? If we love ourselves everyone will love us too. Most people want to be around happy, confident men and its difficult for us to be that way because of our past. I am not telling anything new, but I guess self-love can help us here to attract others. comments ?


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#385653 - 02/13/12 11:40 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
The women (or men) who flee from a survivor who's revealed their abuse are no more prepared to process that information without education and professional assistance than are the survivors themselves.

In many ways, it is more difficult for the supporter to process because they've not lived it; they've not had the benefit of a lifetime to digest and wrestle with the trauma; they may have inaccurate assumptions about CSA that they don't even realize are inaccurate or flat-out wrong. They are in a position of wanting to provide support for something they know nothing about all the while trying to ascertain what it all means for them personally and for the relationship.

Do reveal your trauma to the one with whom you intend to share your life, but do so after you've put in place a plan for providing the supporter with education and professional guidance. To do less is just shooting yourself in the foot.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#385664 - 02/14/12 12:47 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: RollerCoaster]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: RollerCoaster
This is a really great question and I am no expert, but from my experience here are my 2 cents:
People see in us, what we see in ourselves. Its true that most men/women shun us, but don't we shun ourselves? Most of us lack self-love, dont we? If we love ourselves everyone will love us too. Most people want to be around happy, confident men and its difficult for us to be that way because of our past. I am not telling anything new, but I guess self-love can help us here to attract others. comments ?


Never received love without a cost physically or emotionally so how does this self-love work to people like me that not only had CSA but really shitty emotionally and physically abusive childhoods? Don't tell me see a shrink. I saw 12. None did any good. Fuck therapists. Just was expensive. Really have no clue what love (generic non-sexual love with friends or lovers) happens to be. So, if we never have this love experience (as a baby, small kid in comfort, security, affection w/o cost) in the first place, how do we get it? I'm just sick of the notion that I'm responsible no matter how subtle. And, yeah, not having much self-love is an issue. How do you get it being constantly reminded for decades that I'm worthless? No offense to you dude.

And, please, no solicitations for overpaid shrinks. Pardon my French, but that goes for Mike Lew too. He tells how all this shit affects us then says, "see a shrink" constantly. Hey, Mike Lew, fuck you! Put down the how to fix it in the next volume or you are bullshit. I saw 12, asshole. Didn't make a difference except I got scammed. He ain't the only one. I could name off dozens more that say, you're f*cked, here's how your f*cked, see a shrink. 99% of these books are nothing but slick advertisements for shrinkage. I needed to say that for me and on behalf of the thousands of others who have plunked down good money for an advertisement. Peace.

Note: 300th post. Gee, kinda happened at the right time. Haha



Edited by phoenix321 (02/14/12 12:48 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385715 - 02/14/12 11:21 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Originally Posted By: phoenix321
Philip, rub it in.


Lol, that was my reaction too. Good for you man.

And the question isn't about "attractiveness", it is about emotional intimacy and acceptance.

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#385756 - 02/14/12 05:09 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Jim1961
Originally Posted By: phoenix321
Philip, rub it in.


Lol, that was my reaction too. Good for you man.

And the question isn't about "attractiveness", it is about emotional intimacy and acceptance.

Jimmy

Exactly. Sex with with many random people isn't intimacy. I did that and it meant nothing and I felt like a hooker.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385892 - 02/15/12 11:53 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: phoenix321]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

My wife was great from the start, even after telling her about the acting out with guys after our marriage. Up to that point of first telling her, she had one step out the door. I had become a walled off ogre and she had about enough of me after nine years of marriage. After, I grew alot as a person, sure there were growing pains, but I'm nowhere near the man I was before I told & dealt with the garbage.

She doesn't see me as less of a man, to the contrary, she sees me more man than most. I know it too, but sometimes the old thoughts pop in my mind, your not good enough, you should've been further, had more by now, etc... I still have to shake it off, because I have more than most & have made due with alot less to get all that I have. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees...

I do know that my wife is different, what attracted me to her was her pure huge heart, even at 11 years old I saw it in her & knew that she was the only person on the face of the earth that I could trust. She saved me, because if she was never in my life I would've never connected with girls / women. I though that girls were sugar & spice, us guys were really dirty dogs & that girls / women would smell the shame & brokeness on me like dog shit & run, that I wasn't worthy, etc...

I had been in a mixed (mostly if not always women) support group for a year and a half. It wasn't about csa, but 99% experienced it and of course had issues they were working on. A few of them told me that at first my presence in the goup was scary, till I opened my mouth, and they saw the vulnerability, openess & knew that I understood them. I know in my heart that they all would've accepted me as a husband & father of their children after knowing all that I've done & been through...

I had the wrong idea as a kid, *most* girls / women wouldn't turn & run from us. They are nurturers by instinct. Haven't we all seen nice & decent girls / women attached to what we all know are total losers, all because they are trying to fix / save them? You all have see that haven't you?

Our young mixed up minds come to conclusions without all the facts and they become cemented in. I know that's how it worked with me.

Granted there are exceptions to femails' as nurturers rule, there are plenty of shitty people, m/f who are of no use to anyone, let alone to someone needing to deal with past issues.

**I don't see the need or wisdom in telling anyone details that we are not willing to tell, some should never be told and that is ok in my book.


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#385896 - 02/15/12 12:17 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: George]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Oh my George... this was tough to read!!! But I am happy for you (and OH SO JEALOUS too... lol)

Originally Posted By: George
I had the wrong idea as a kid, *most* girls / women wouldn't turn & run from us. They are nurturers by instinct. Haven't we all seen nice & decent girls / women attached to what we all know are total losers, all because they are trying to fix / save them? You all have see that haven't you?


Oh, stop making SENSE!!! smile

Yes, I have seen many beautiful women with the BIGGEST loser (drug addicts, bike gang members, criminals...) and felt like it was SO unfair. Because I was the "nice quiet kid."

I also know that the women I was exposed to as a kid (mom who emotionally abandoned us, live-in "nanny" who was the b!tch from HELL) have tainted my view of women.

So yeah, I project stuff on my wife. Maybe I don't give her enough credit, but of course I could make a list of 10 reasons (experiences) that would conclude "don't EVER be vulnerable with her like that!!!"

But then I feel like I am still in my emotional cage. 13 years old, alone in my bedroom, knowing that the world is "out there" and I am stuck "in here." So sadness sets in....

And I do wonder how much is real and how much I project onto her...

So darn you George!!! smile

Jimmy


_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#385908 - 02/15/12 01:20 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

Jimmy,

My older brother is 6 years older than me, he's had mental issues since 15, a diagnosed paranoid scitsophrenic (sp?). Even as a kid it didn't register in my dopey mind that even him, had any girl he wanted. He is very goodlooking (as I've been told we all were / are, but I never saw it in myself) He was the incarnation of John Travolta / Saturday Night Fever, with the dance moves, clothes and all. He with all his problems was getting laid like no one else, with the cream of the crop girls too. Even as a 19y/o with no car or license, I remember us dropping him off at mansions to meet up with his high class girlfriends. He was unbelievable. He laid more pipe than all the plumbers in town!

This was all right in front of me, and I still couldn't get past my own emotional cage. I even remember a couple girls expressing interest in me as a teenager & I just couldn't take the chance, I had written myself off by that point with girls.

It's such a shame how we lock ourselves way, we become our own jailers... all because someone had to get their rocks off.

** About six months ago I was talking to my older brother, he was telling me how his soldier doesn't salute like it used to, due to meds, age, etc... I told him, he's lived the sexual lifetime of ten men, that his memories should be enough to live on now... he just grinned smile

George


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#385938 - 02/15/12 08:33 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: George]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Yeah I can relate. When my dad remarried I suddenly had two identical twin stepbrothers, 5 years older than me. At 16 they were bragging to me about their conquests (I was 11).

I thought both of them were dumb and boring (just talked about cars and girls) lol. Now I am 50, in pretty good shape, have a nice family. And both of them are bums... One spent 10 years in jail for drugs, the other was caught DUI and claimed to be the OTHER brother and is in house arrest for that... But through it all they have their women....

It sure is a mystery to me... But you are right about locking ourselves up... There is a huge price for that...

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#385952 - 02/15/12 10:44 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Now i hear from my wife that she and "all the other girls" thought i was "hot" at 18 when we were all starting college. If I had only known! - but i probably wouldn't have been able to get over my own wretched self-image at the time to make the most of it, anyway. And of course, none of them knew my past. I wonder if it would have made a difference then. I KNOW it would have made me an untouchable as far as girls were concerned if I hadn't moved away from the town where i was the favorite recipient of abuse and bullying in the Junior high school. i was treated by everyone of my peers as if i had leprosy. I know i was cute as a little kid, but of course i didn't even think about such things at the time. And when the abuse really accelerated as i entered puberty, my self-image went down the toilet - funny - now i realize i thought of my appearance as having been negatively affected, too. I thought and felt that i was not only worthless and dirty but ugly. i don't really know what i really looked like cause i've intentionally avoided pictures of myself at that period. I don't think i have a single one in my home of myself before i went to college. There are some in storage and at my mom's place but -

just rambling,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385959 - 02/16/12 12:22 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Jim1961
Oh my George... this was tough to read!!! But I am happy for you (and OH SO JEALOUS too... lol)

Originally Posted By: George
I had the wrong idea as a kid, *most* girls / women wouldn't turn & run from us. They are nurturers by instinct. Haven't we all seen nice & decent girls / women attached to what we all know are total losers, all because they are trying to fix / save them? You all have see that haven't you?


Oh, stop making SENSE!!! smile

Yes, I have seen many beautiful women with the BIGGEST loser (drug addicts, bike gang members, criminals...) and felt like it was SO unfair. Because I was the "nice quiet kid."

I also know that the women I was exposed to as a kid (mom who emotionally abandoned us, live-in "nanny" who was the b!tch from HELL) have tainted my view of women.

So yeah, I project stuff on my wife. Maybe I don't give her enough credit, but of course I could make a list of 10 reasons (experiences) that would conclude "don't EVER be vulnerable with her like that!!!"

But then I feel like I am still in my emotional cage. 13 years old, alone in my bedroom, knowing that the world is "out there" and I am stuck "in here." So sadness sets in....

And I do wonder how much is real and how much I project onto her...

So darn you George!!! smile

Jimmy


Note: I cuss. I'm sick (and most likely dying) so, no offense. I'm no longer gonna be society's bitch.

Jim,

Your brother was wild like I was in my 20s (mine due to Bipolar). The women that want to "nurture" guys like me and your brother steered clear because we were wild and had problems. No idea about him, but, the three girls that had an interest in my junior high wanted the wild guy, the creative type, the bad boy. I was happy go lucky, couldn't give a fuck, creative type guy. No idea what to do with them at that age (and it was a good thing for them since I might not have cared that much about sex with them like a guy should with a virgin--not like a guy with his shit together). Talking about the girls every guy wanted to be boyfriends with.

I was above average looking. Not a young Brad Pitt or anything. We moved every few years or maybe my life would've been different even with CSA/child abuse. Those girls were nice people. I could talk to girls and lend an ear was probably it. No idea. I do know I was a fucked up kid then a fucked up adult. The bad guys liked me up till high school. Beating the shit outta two bullies was maybe it too.

Thankfully, my highs are back (really recent). Depression can kiss my ass. Demanded my bipolar highs returned. Not much medical help and I figured, this wasn't there during my Bipolar years so maybe it can fix it.

Whatever they saw didn't make me any friends in high school. I was in my own world then. Deep depression set in. I'm sure that's what it was. I was on a high from like 4 years old to 14. It really sucked. Suicidal from 16 to like 20-21.

One thing I do know is all my life is that life felt empty. Like nothing was there but me (and my others (DID) after 26-27). It felt sterile. It was constant and got worse at 15. The worst years of my life were high school years to like 20-21. Really no idea why I wasn't a suicide at like 16-17 because it entered my mind a lot. No clue. At 14-17 I really wanted to be a robot. All the pain would go away.

Sex with strangers ain't intimacy. No idea what is but it can make you feel lonely. Oh, so lonely. It can also make you feel used just like hookers talk about. I didn't have shame about it. Many do. It doesn't mean a thing. Being shallow is easy. That's where random sex and prostitution messes complicated people up. I've always been good at being shallow and uncomplicated. I had to be.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385960 - 02/16/12 12:27 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: DarkHadou]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Uh I've had alot of people think I am a molester when I;ve said I was molested. Thats where alot of people jump to. I was once in a meeting for Alcholics where two women spoke up in their shares about having been molested; no one batted an eye and were sympathetic. When I also said it had happend to me, some eys went wide. The next meeting was on: If I should be allowed around the club. I was outside during thsi meeting an one person called me a pedophile. I'm not or a perp. I was very shocked!
I;ve had some other bad experiences telling strangers, but since then I have better boudaries about who I tell. In my opinion men are not looked on as a victim as much as women. men are more demonized than women.


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#385965 - 02/16/12 12:54 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: redsox046]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I am sorry Jim. I too know that it is not safe to make it public what happened to us. i had told someone Id been molested and the same assumtion: 99 % of men molested as boys become molesters. This person told others and it became unsfe to live in the small town for me. as people thought i was a chold molester and I am not. This was assumed solely on the fact Id said i had been molested. As Clinton said " I feel your pain", but I really do!


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#385967 - 02/16/12 01:03 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Yes and strangely people think only 1% of women ever become child molesters. We live in a dumb society


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#385969 - 02/16/12 01:10 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: traveler]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Pretty far from rambling. I am just like you. I actually was am handsome, never knew it and still dont like my reflection in the mirror. Some girlfriends told me " if you only knew" I have always had a bad self image of myself. Self esteem is a rare thing for me, always had self esteem problems. Thanks for narrative.


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#385975 - 02/16/12 03:04 AM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: little big man]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
And now i wonder... Did the same features of appearance that made me attractive to gilrs also make me attractive to pedos & perps?

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#386078 - 02/16/12 04:46 PM Re: How do women view Male victims [Re: Jim1961]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 124
Loc: Michigan
It really just depends on the woman I suppose. My ex had a hard time dealing with it. She wasn't supportive at all. Our marriage ended with her getting on a plane and never coming back. She had cheated on me before, but always came back (I presume because she needed something, like money).

My fiance is VERY supportive. She is super cautious about us sexually. I remember one of the first times I had a massive trigger in an intimate setting with her. I feared so bad that this would end the relationship (which was only about 2 months old at the time). But she stood by me, and continues to still today. I love her dearly for this.


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