Oh my George... this was tough to read!!! But I am happy for you (and OH SO JEALOUS too... lol)
I had the wrong idea as a kid, *most* girls / women wouldn't turn & run from us. They are nurturers by instinct. Haven't we all seen nice & decent girls / women attached to what we all know are total losers, all because they are trying to fix / save them? You all have see that haven't you?
Oh, stop making SENSE!!!
Yes, I have seen many beautiful women with the BIGGEST loser (drug addicts, bike gang members, criminals...) and felt like it was SO unfair. Because I was the "nice quiet kid."
I also know that the women I was exposed to as a kid (mom who emotionally abandoned us, live-in "nanny" who was the b!tch from HELL) have tainted my view of women.
So yeah, I project stuff on my wife. Maybe I don't give her enough credit, but of course I could make a list of 10 reasons (experiences) that would conclude "don't EVER be vulnerable with her like that!!!"
But then I feel like I am still in my emotional cage. 13 years old, alone in my bedroom, knowing that the world is "out there" and I am stuck "in here." So sadness sets in....
And I do wonder how much is real and how much I project onto her...
So darn you George!!!
Note: I cuss. I'm sick (and most likely dying) so, no offense. I'm no longer gonna be society's bitch.
Your brother was wild like I was in my 20s (mine due to Bipolar). The women that want to "nurture" guys like me and your brother steered clear because we were wild and had problems. No idea about him, but, the three girls that had an interest in my junior high wanted the wild guy, the creative type, the bad boy. I was happy go lucky, couldn't give a fuck, creative type guy. No idea what to do with them at that age (and it was a good thing for them since I might not have cared that much about sex with them like a guy should with a virgin--not like a guy with his shit together). Talking about the girls every guy wanted to be boyfriends with.
I was above average looking. Not a young Brad Pitt or anything. We moved every few years or maybe my life would've been different even with CSA/child abuse. Those girls were nice people. I could talk to girls and lend an ear was probably it. No idea. I do know I was a fucked up kid then a fucked up adult. The bad guys liked me up till high school. Beating the shit outta two bullies was maybe it too.
Thankfully, my highs are back (really recent). Depression can kiss my ass. Demanded my bipolar highs returned. Not much medical help and I figured, this wasn't there during my Bipolar years so maybe it can fix it.
Whatever they saw didn't make me any friends in high school. I was in my own world then. Deep depression set in. I'm sure that's what it was. I was on a high from like 4 years old to 14. It really sucked. Suicidal from 16 to like 20-21.
One thing I do know is all my life is that life felt empty. Like nothing was there but me (and my others (DID) after 26-27). It felt sterile. It was constant and got worse at 15. The worst years of my life were high school years to like 20-21. Really no idea why I wasn't a suicide at like 16-17 because it entered my mind a lot. No clue. At 14-17 I really wanted to be a robot. All the pain would go away.
Sex with strangers ain't intimacy. No idea what is but it can make you feel lonely. Oh, so lonely. It can also make you feel used just like hookers talk about. I didn't have shame about it. Many do. It doesn't mean a thing. Being shallow is easy. That's where random sex and prostitution messes complicated people up. I've always been good at being shallow and uncomplicated. I had to be.