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#385427 - 02/12/12 07:23 AM HELP - so worried
intruthisfreedom Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 14
Hello all,

I wrote a few weeks ago about my gorgeous man who had SA by an older boy when he was 12 for two years at boarding school.

He admitted it around 4 years ago and he thought and I thought he was getting better.

Just after Xmas he broke down with his family, I had never seen him sob so hard in pain.

Since then he has hardly left the house is eating really badly too many things to describe how low he is. He is not getting better.

He does realise he is not in a good place and is asking for help. However he doesn't realise yet just how bad he is. I watch him try to clean the fridge for example and he doesn't realise he is so unaware like he is lost, completely lost.

My heart is breaking, as I write this tears stream down my face. He doesn't desserve to feel this way he is so gorgeous and perfect.

His parents have come down to stay and are trying to help him but they don't understand they don't see how bad it is. They say things that hurt him and wind him up (sometimes he doesn't even realise but I see it). Or his dad says "come on.. he doesn't see he can't 'come on' he is ill.

He came out the bath yesterday and said he was thinking about picking up the razor and slitting in his wrists!!! They don't take it seriously they are missing his heart... I don't want to leave him alone and not even with them because they miss it!!

They are trying to get him to call a victim support phone line. I know in my heart he needs more, more than a therapist once a week. He is so bad.

They don't understand things as well as I do.

I said to his mum crying he is so ill, he needs more than just a helpline he needs to go somewhere and have serious help. She just said yes we will take him to the doctor!

The doctors wont help they don't know what they are talking about he needs a specialist somebody he trusts, not somebody who will send him for evaluation and try and give him antidepressants. He is clever, intelligent.

I am looking for places to send him. In the UK!!! anybody???

I need Help... please x




Edited by intruthisfreedom (02/12/12 07:27 AM)

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#385435 - 02/12/12 09:41 AM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: intruthisfreedom]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
soooo sorry for your pain - both of you.

I've been there (as a male survivor) and i know it is hell. That was years ago and life is better now - though there are still struggles. I wouldn't have made it without 3 kinds of help -

1. a supportive and loving wife
2. professional help that knows about CSA
3. my Higher Power

Definitely get skilled, experienced intervention. Keep at it until you find help.

Sorry I cant help more but ...
If you believe in prayer, i'm doing that for you.
If you believe in positive energy - i'm sending loads of it your way.
I wish you both all the best.

lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385449 - 02/12/12 12:18 PM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: traveler]
intruthisfreedom Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 14
nk you so much for your reply. It gives me faith to know you are healing.

I have been calling around trying to find somewhere.

A bit of luck in a lovely survivor who runs some groups and talks.

Hopefully my man will call him tomorrow I get a good feeling from him.

If anybody can recommend any therapists/help in the UK anywhere please let me know. I am desperate.

Still no luck with his parents who think he just needs some fresh air. Pray they will listen and understand...

So glad I can be with my man everyday. He needs me and I am right here for him.

Being strong in the UK,

Love Truth x


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#385471 - 02/12/12 04:57 PM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: intruthisfreedom]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
((((truth)))))

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#385495 - 02/12/12 09:20 PM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: Jim1104]
intruthisfreedom Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 14
He is getting worse crying having attacks laying on floor paralysed not able to breath. Saying he has nothing left and has mentioned suicide twice now. I am so scared. I feel like my heart has broken. He keeps saying sorry.that he tried to give m what I wanted and failed.

I thought we were building a life together and now it feels like it is gone. We are 28.

We just finished our flat and my career just getting moving again finally doing what I want (I'm also recovering from mild SA)

We were talking about children, which is my dream.† Now he says all he wants is to live with his parents in the countryside and do nothing, he has nothing left.

He doesn't have any fight no interest if I say he can get better or we have so much ahead, he doesn't want any of it.

He has an attack every time I mention any form of help.† He is lost, completely lost.

The person I would go to for advice is him now he is not there.

Tonight his attack lasted for hours, it was like he wasn't there. Laying on the bed paralysed, panting, eyes closed, in another world...He is becoming more distant in his eyes I can see it, its as if I feel him dying.


Everything he is saying is like he is saying goodbye.

I am terrified. I feel like I'm loosing him.


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#385530 - 02/13/12 03:22 AM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: intruthisfreedom]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I can't give medical or pysichiatric advice - BUT in a situation like you are describing, he may need to be hospitalized for his own safety. DON'T take any chances or waste time. Are there hot lines or an emergency room number you can call?

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385531 - 02/13/12 03:22 AM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: intruthisfreedom]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
intruth ...

I know the look you describe. I saw it on my sweet survivors face last week -- hunted, haunted, in pain. Trust yourself and your love for him; you know that he is experiencing crushing emotional pain.

Here is what someone wrote to me:

When someone is depressed enough to feel suicidal itís incredibly hard to assure them that things can get better. The feelings they are having feel permanent, which is why they start considering such a drastic way out of the pain they are experiencing, as if there is no other option but to end their own life in order to escape it.

As far as how to help him, being there to listen is crucial. As someone who has felt suicidal in my past, I can attest that a person who is considering suicide feels a pervasive sense of loneliness, like they canít relate to anyone since no one on earth can possibly understand the pain he or she is in. To be clear, you don't want to understand to the point that you are in the same pain as this will not help either of you. Rather, being there for him to listen to and affirm his pain is what he needs to make a connection, and connections are essential to him staying around. Try and avoid giving advice or making value judgments, except to recommend that he see a professional who can also listen and provide a connection.

Re: safety, ask him point blank if he has a plan to harm himself.

If the answer is yes ask for specifics like how, when, where, etc. If the answers to these questions lead you to believe that his suicide is pending intervene immediately by calling 911 [emergency services are 999 in the UK, I think].

If he doesnít have an immediate plan try to come to an agreement with him where he promises not to harm himself within a set timeframe. This can be for as much as a day or as little as an hour. Breaking it down this way makes his existence more manageable, as in we are talking about small chunks of time, not a whole lifetime, which is how a suicidal person views the enormity of their pain. Also ask for a promise where if he feels he canít keep his agreement for the duration of the agreed upon timeframe that he come to you for further support. Again itís about maintaining a connection.

I base my advice on Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training, or ASIST, which I received through my work. I have had to use in it practice a number of times and believe me it works. In closing I am sorry someone you care about is in so much pain. No doubt it is painful for you also. I hope things get better for both of you soon.


I would add to the agreement part of this, start to get support for him and for you. Call one or several of help lines listed below. And tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth. Don't hide what you're dealing with or ignore what your sensing.


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#385532 - 02/13/12 03:30 AM Re: HELP - so worried [Re: eyesforward]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
About going for urgent mental health care:

I beg you to let go of any opinions about medication or hospitalization. Just get him somewhere safe where he can't hurt himself.

TAKE HIM TO A HOSPITAL WITH A MENTAL HEALTH INPATIENT UNIT IMMEDIATELY. Have him say he's having suicidal thoughts and that he wants to be admitted. This is usually much better than being admitted under legal authority

Let your user name "in truth is freedom" be your guide. If he can't tell the medical people that he experienced childhood trauma, then you tell them. The words "childhood trauma" are generic enough to not violate his need to deal with this his way. Make sure they write it down in his chart.

As soon as you see this message, go see him and get him there. DO NOT WAIT.

Once you get there and if you need support, call your friends or his friends and ask them to join you.

Above all else, get him safe so that he can heal.



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#385534 - 02/13/12 04:32 AM UK suicide prevention help lines [Re: eyesforward]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
UK suicide prevention resources -- 24 hour help lines. Call them they can help you. Please please don't wait.

SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200
email info@supportline.org.uk or
write to SupportLine at PO Box 1596, Ilford, Essex IG1 3FW - Provides emotional support and details of support groups, helplines, agencies and counsellors throughout the UK

Calm: 0800 585858
www.thecalmzone.net
Campaign Against Living Miserably Help and support for young men aged 15-35 on issues which include depression and suicide.

HopeLine UK Ė 0800 068 4141
for practical advice on suicide prevention www.papyrus.org.uk


Premier Lifeline: 08456 52 52 52
email lifeline@premier.org.uk,
www.premier.org.uk/lifeline
Helpline providing a listening service, information, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective

Samaritans: 0845 790 9090 (1850 60 90 90 Rep. Of Ireland),
email jo@samaritans.org,
www.samaritans.org
24 hr helpline offering emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which may lead to suicide

Youth to Youth: 020 8896 3675
www.youth2youth.co.uk
Help and support for young people up to 19 years


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#385546 - 02/13/12 07:53 AM UK survivor suicidal -- please help! [Re: intruthisfreedom]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Just quoting the first post to bring the thread to the top.

Originally Posted By: intruthisfreedom
He is getting worse crying having attacks laying on floor paralysed not able to breath. Saying he has nothing left and has mentioned suicide twice now. I am so scared. I feel like my heart has broken. He keeps saying sorry.that he tried to give m what I wanted and failed.

I thought we were building a life together and now it feels like it is gone. We are 28.

We just finished our flat and my career just getting moving again finally doing what I want (I'm also recovering from mild SA)

We were talking about children, which is my dream.† Now he says all he wants is to live with his parents in the countryside and do nothing, he has nothing left.

He doesn't have any fight no interest if I say he can get better or we have so much ahead, he doesn't want any of it.

He has an attack every time I mention any form of help.† He is lost, completely lost.

The person I would go to for advice is him now he is not there.

Tonight his attack lasted for hours, it was like he wasn't there. Laying on the bed paralysed, panting, eyes closed, in another world...He is becoming more distant in his eyes I can see it, its as if I feel him dying.


Everything he is saying is like he is saying goodbye.

I am terrified. I feel like I'm loosing him.



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