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#385278 - 02/11/12 09:59 AM My body is contaminated
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
For life, this is how I feel. No matter how much you clean, wash, it won't work. You can't get rid of the physical contact you made with your abuser once both bodies touched each other. It was mostly oral and intercourse. He performed these acts on me. I did also. Imagine that, I was probably around 10 years old when I was introduced to a new sexual act I performed on him. It started with molestation during the early years and later on he would rub his penis with mine, perform oral on me and I would on him. Around 10 was the first time when I anally penetrated him. Who? My biological dad. That's sick, twisted. It doesn't matter. I did the sexual acts and there is nothing that can change that. I was a participant even though it wasn't my choice. I don't want to hear " But you were forced, blah blah blah." There were certain sexual acts that I actually enjoyed like receiving oral. I'm not gay. It makes me feel like I am. I'm 27. My mom thinks there is something wrong with me since I never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never did I mention of liking a girl. I'm not attracted to males. I am what you would call a heterosexual male who is attracted to females- especially preteens, girls around 11-17 mostly.

Back to the topic. He ejaculated in me. I did so a little when he would masturbate me. You can't get rid of that type of body contamination. You are forever scarred with it and forced to live with it for the rest of your life. I'm NOT a virgin. I lost my virginity at 5 when I was gang raped.

There are reasons why I don't want to be in a romantic relationship. It's not something I'm interested. I want freedom. I don't want to get married because I don't believe in marriage. I don't want kids because I don't want to be someone's personal slave until the kid is 18. Too many times I hear it from people who are even younger than I am that they made a mistake, that they can't even sleep or do certain activities as much as they would like to because they are stuck with the brat.

I don't want to have a sexual relationship because this is something I'm not interested in. I consider all females who are not virgins as impure. If I wanted to have sex and the female already had sexual partners then that is simply disgusting to me. It makes me want to vomit just by thinking about it. If the female is a virgin and I wanted sex, it won't matter because like I said I don't want it and if I did, I will sure it won't happen. Why? I think it's very important before doing sex to let her know " Hey, I had sex with my dad when I was a kid for many years. I penetrated him anally and the same penis I did that with I will stick it inside you" Sounds not so pleasant if you ask me. If I was never raped and I were to do sex and she was sexually abused, I wouldn't want to. I don't want my private part to touch her ugly looking thing.

I have dark areas around my private part but around the legs near the private part. I think it's due to the abuse. I remember going to physical checkups as a teenager and the doctor told me once that I have to use protection. I think I was 14 when she said that. Another doctor checked me there and she just gave a disgusting look like there was something not normal. It's the dark areas and I know. HOW the hell am I supposed to get rid of this crap that has been here for almost my whole life??? Thinking about this makes me angry. I am forced to look at it every time I look down there for any reason. I don't want to go to a doctor and explain that I had this for many years and requesting information to get rid of it. It would be very strange if it were to happen and would make me feel uncomfortable. I disgust myself. I should be treated with disgust by people for having sex with my own father(6-12) and those other 2 older boys when I was 5. But then again, these people have sex. Their bodies are contaminated, just in a different way than mine.


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#385296 - 02/11/12 12:31 PM Re: My body is contaminated [Re: DarkHadou]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
I'm what you would call the flip side of the coin.... due to my disdain for the heinous acts perpetaratd upon me and that i was forced to do i avoid all contact with women who have even a modicum of self esteem. i've paid for sex more than once and I couldnt imagine having sex with a virgin. I'd be doing something wrong. I dont deserve that gift anyone would give to me at least in my mind. in two months of rigorous research i,ve found our responses are so varied yet the core root is the same. the lack of self worth is how we are basing our view of how someone else would hold us up to the standard we've imposed on ourselves as "societies norm". Now i just came forward about my abuse recently so i may not have a great perspective yet but i can entirely relate to how you view yourself, even if i find it harder to find common ground how you respond to those feelings.

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#385303 - 02/11/12 12:56 PM Re: My body is contaminated [Re: Treehugger75]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Man, I FEEL for you! There is no worse betrayal than that of a parent using their child for sex. He's an amoral bastard of the worst kind.

What you need to remember is that even though you participated willingly, he was wrong even to suggest it or to allow it to happen! You didn't know what you were getting into, he DID. He was the adult and he should have been protecting you and teaching you what's appropriate, not abusing you and stealing your self respect.

And see what's he's left you with? Feeling that you are dirty, that sex is dirty? He stole your ability to be intimate with another person, he ruined your sex life. He should have known better, but you couldn't have known. I can understand your anger, what I don't understand is your shame. PLEASE try to remember that it wasn't your fault, it COULDN"T be your fault.

The contamination is not in your body, it's in your head. You can't just wash the betrayal away any more than you can wash the memories away. All you can do is try to view them rationally and honestly, and see that the blame lies squarely and unequivocably on HIM. You'll never be proud of what happened to you, but I hope that someday you can look at yourself and be proud of how you've overcome what others have done to you and saved yourself. (Actually, I hope the same thing for myself!) Most of all, I wish you peace.

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385335 - 02/11/12 03:53 PM Re: My body is contaminated [Re: Undiagnosed]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
DarkHadou,

I'll offer another perspective along with Undiagnosed:

It's not your body that was contaminated. It's your relationship with it that as changed.

At first there's a body and a mind operating together. Then the molestation happens. Suddenly they are two. The mind is in shock, the body behaves on some kind of instinct level the mind doesn't even begin to understand.

They drift apart, body and mind, one seemingly covered with filth, the other barely able to hold things together and totally out of control.

Neither were contaminated. Both can be brought back to some kind of equilibrium.

That doesn't mean you have to learn to want sex or become some new "better" person. It just means that the idea of contamination is false. It's a category the mind uses to justify the problem in some way.

The body couldn't help what happened, any more than the mind could suddenly offer protection. They were both, together, trapped in an unfortunate circumstance.

I know from experience that you're wrong in saying "You can't get rid of that type of body contamination. You are forever scarred with it and forced to live with it for the rest of your life." I know you're wrong because I used to have that feeling and it's now gone.

I'm not so sure about the truth of "I'm NOT a virgin. I lost my virginity at 5 when I was gang raped." I don't know whether the innocent approach to sex can ever be recovered or whether or not it's actually real. I think some people are a lot luckier in sex in general (abusive or nonabrasive) than others. What I do know is that one can recover one's own innocence.

To that requires facing the whole issue of blame and forgiveness. For my part, I no longer feel connected to the dirt of the past in that total way.

I'm saying this only to sound a hopeful note. The appearance of these things is not their reality. Time and work heal one. You're here at 27 facing the damage done to you and by you in this problematic part of your life. That's the key. the sooner you start enjoying the ride of healing, the better.

I disagree with Undiagnosed about the issue of self blame. A lot of us blame ourselves for the abuse on some level. It's usually a mantra here at MS that "we are not to blame." However, I totally understand where you're coming from, and for people like us, I think denying the blame can be unhelpful. Better for me anyway to simply forgive. After all, what was I to do? I was literally stunned by the pleasure of my dad's mouth. The shock of it is still with my 30 some years later. Did I go back for more? Yes. Was it hurtful to me to have done so? Yes. I am responsible for having done so? Why not? My body won over my mind.

It does me no good to say I had no control; that just makes me seem more like a loser.

I rather just say: "It's done. I'm sorry, self. I couldn't make a better decision given the information at hand. My judgment was not yet formed."

Then I have to put the forgiveness into action. By allowing myself to be human, to mistakes, and still to be OK.

I hope this is helpful.

Danny


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#385417 - 02/12/12 03:46 AM Re: My body is contaminated [Re: DannyT]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
DarkHadou -

One thing i have learned is that i need to forgive myself even for the things that were not my fault. Because I have felt guilty for so long, that message of condemnation is deeply ingrained and I need to forgive myself to wipe the slate clean. And i have to do it more than once until it sinks in... after all, the opposite message was repeated many times.

And you have a definite advantage of being only 27 and looking for help already. That shows that you are ready to change, grow,recover and heal. Many of us haven't even faced our issues until we are twice your age.

Best of "luck", hope, and good wishes for your future...
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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