Lots of good input here! I appreciate all the various points of view. All of it is helpful - if not to me then to somebody else who has a similar past or response in the present.

Chase Eric - I do have some parts of my past self that I can still connect with. And I remember thinking to myself "I will never forget how this feels" - usually about some injustice or totally clueless thing a parent or teacher or other insensitive adult said or did. Those remain with me - almost like getting a letter from the past.

A couple of quotes from songs that seemed important at the time -

John Sebastian, "Younger Generation": "I swore when I was small that I'd remember when, I knew what's wrong with them that I was smaller than.... And then I'll know that all I've learned my kid assumes, And all my deepest worries must be his cartoons..."

The Rascals: "Now that i've grown up I find, My heart is not changing, it's only my mind..."

But there are parts that i guess i forgot to remember...
Lee

Thank you, Jeff and Eric. I will be on top of it and do everything I can. It does help me a lot to know how you guys feel. It guides me to where it hurts most on survivors, and I can focus on those feelings with my son.

I really am not alone in this. All of you that posted I can identify with. Just the thought of being stuck at the time of the SA is exactly how I have been all of my life. Part of me will be 12 when I die. I hope I am that 12 year old, in the time before the SA, on the other side! I want him back! Whether he is inside or at my side, I hope he is waiting for the same thing.

Alone & others -

funny how some memtion the age you "feel" - that is an issue for me too.

I often feel much younger than i really am - like i haven't really gone much emotionally beyond where i was when the BIG defining events happened.

But at the time it was happening - i felt both very young, helpless and vulnerable - AND very old, experienced and disillusioned beyond my chronological age.

strange ambiguity and paradox...
Lee

I often feel like a man with no past and no future, just existing in the present as an adult, as if it's what I've always been. It may sound wierd and intellectually I know it isn't true but sometimes I feel that my childhood is irrelevant to the person I am now. This could be evidence of my disconnection from it. To be honest I'm really not sure.

My fraternal brother,

My compassion, understading, hope & love for you right now..

No past? No future? Remember that emotional roller coaster ride of our lives? Well my fraternal brother, HANG ON. You'll make it. It will get better. HOPE, my fraternal brother, HOPe.
Pete..Irishmoose.

Hi Guys,

I've had a lot of fun and helpful times working with inner child meditations. I posted a few here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...12670#Post12670

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...43342#Post43342

Danny