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#384874 - 02/08/12 09:37 AM Why is it...?
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Why is it that I can talk forever on any topic that I know enough about - as long as it is factual, objective and informative - and I can also get on here and go on at more length than some people probly care to read - and I can say good things and encouraging things and try to be helpful and supportive and affirming for people i've never even met - BUT - when it comes to the ones i love most, i get all tongue-tied and the words stick in my throat or my mind goes blank and i can't say a single positive thing? It's so lame and i feel like an utter fool. And don't even think about spontaneous hugs or other casual physical touch!!! I know my wife and kids wonder what's wrong and why i'm not more demonstrative and vocal in showing affection and most likely think i just don't feel that much love for them. It's like paralysis sets in.

Anybody know of a way to get past this mental/emotional barrier?

Feeling more but can't show it,
Lee



Edited by traveler (02/08/12 09:39 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384876 - 02/08/12 09:59 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: traveler]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Something that worked for me - writing. If you can't speak it, can you write it? Can you get them a card and add your own note? My kids learned that their dad was always available in writing, even if "distant" otherwise.

... just a thought ...

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#384878 - 02/08/12 10:07 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: MarkK]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I agree with Mark.

I can write pretty well and articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, but face to face.... it's so very awkward.

1 Part CSA + 1 Part Cheeseburger = 1 Horribly socially awkward fellow.


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#384879 - 02/08/12 10:07 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: traveler]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
I'm doing similar things....more specifically with being open and communicating with the people I am closest with. It's a strange thing and something I desperately want to improve. My thoughts are that...with my fiance or your wife, we are more vulnerable to their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to whatever it is we are holding back. The anonymity of coming here and sharing candidly with faceless screen-names would naturally be easier...."safer". We are also in a community of guys who share the same stories, feelings, and pain - which in my opinion makes this feel more like a judge-free zone than anywhere else.

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

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#384881 - 02/08/12 10:19 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: gjonbos]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
I think gabe hit some of it there...Vulnerability and trust.

We are most vunerable to the ones we love and are closest too...there is the most danger there that we wil be hurt again...we use our armor to protect us.

There hopefully will come a time, wher you can trust and be vunerable enough to know that they will not hurt you but embrace you for who you are...this can change things, I hope you find it...there is no easy answer, for me it was a wierd incident that showed me my wife will and is on my side forever through good and bad...and in that I can be vulnerable with her and we can grow together.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#384884 - 02/08/12 10:24 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
It's easy to be "vulnerable" on the Internet or in writing because you ain't really vulnerable. It's hard to challenge the written word because the writer can ignore it.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#385091 - 02/09/12 10:44 PM Re: Why is it...? [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Some good insights here.
Definitely the anonymity of the internet give me lots more freedom.
and i know the fear of rejection and being misunderstood is a big issue
and trying to overcome the subconscious message that i don't have the right to have my own feelings or that they don't matter.
And the writing has been a help to me in understanding myself and in getting things out in therapy - so don't know why i never thought of it in relationships. DUH! However - It works fine if you have the time and forethought to put it all down on paper, but in the heat of the moment, it doesn't work to say - "just wait an hour or so while i try to untangle these thoughts and feelings and try to find the words and compose it into a coherent message that you and i both can understand...
Sigh
Thanks, guys
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#385105 - 02/09/12 11:46 PM Re: Why is it...? [Re: traveler]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
I think I can relate to your predicament.
For me, I've slowly learned that with my wife, I am dumbstruck because I am so aware of my failures with her.
In other words, with strangers and friends (who do not know all of my stories), I can be demonstrably magnanimous and helpful and charismatic because I don't bring any shame to those more-shallow relationships.
But with my wife, I carry along buckets and shame and self-criticism for not being perfect enough (in my eyes), and I know I can't "fool" her.
But my T has helped me understand that I need to make the move, be bold, touch, look her in the eye, even when I don't feel like it. And I've found that "making in the connection" in that way really helps to overcome the baggage that I bring to the relationship.

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#385108 - 02/10/12 12:06 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: EvanCan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
WOW - yeah!
Thanks - very helpful...

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#385112 - 02/10/12 12:26 AM Re: Why is it...? [Re: traveler]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Same as all the above. My wife knows my deepest darkest secrets. She knows where I am a failure. She knows that I am not all that I say I am cut out to be.

So if in the heat of the moment you cant say something, there' no harm in going away from the situation and putting your thoughts down on paper, and giving it to her later. At least she will now that you care and will learn to slowly allow you to voice your feelings.

I've been married for 20 years, and abused my poor wife for most of those years. It is more my shame and hurt that does not allow me to communicate with her.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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