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#385087 - 02/09/12 10:26 PM Frozen
everlastingstorm Offline


Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 3
Loc: SF bay area
This is my first post here, I'll save my intro post details for that folder, but in general I'm gay and of trans history and so I have abuse issues in relation to such..though I don't think anyone is a perfect 1 or 6 on the Kinsey scale (though I'd rate myself between a 5.5 and a 6, personally) I've been with women and am 95% more attracted to men than women.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to even bring my history up with another guy whether it is a casual situation or a relationship situation. Bringing it up with women when I had been with women was never easy, but it wasn't something I felt so frozen about, but with guys, connecting through talking just doesn't register, let alone talking about heavy stuff. I want to date other guys, explore more sex with other guys, connect with other gay guys that might lead to more, otherwise in my life, but I'm so lost about how to even go about it when I've got sexual abuse issues that I do have to or will have to bring up eventually.

For me my abuse has nothing to do with being trans- like it's not why I'm trans and I didn't transition because I was abused. I'm out to some people about being trans and not out to others, it's nothing to be ashamed of but I personally identify more as male than trans.

I tend to act out sexually by being promiscuous, sleeping around with random guys, and in casual situations, I don't feel as much of a responsibility to disclose (even though it's still probably a good idea to) my abuse history. In those situations, I'm in it for feeling good physically, but sometimes during this feeling creeps over me and I just shut down, I check out, I can't communicate, I enjoy the good feelings and want to feel like I'm safe (even though I'm using protection from the get go and the guy is sane and doesn't do anything I don't want to), and the physical closeness but I can't. None of that happens, it ends up feeling I'm just having sex to have sex with one and then moving onto the next when I want to be able to sustain something more than just a one-time thing.

I guess in a nutshell, I get scared in the moment and I can't even express it, and I feel like "talking about it" to a date or potential boyfriend even before we do it can ruin everything.


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#385216 - 02/10/12 08:48 PM Re: Frozen [Re: everlastingstorm]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
ok so - didn't want your post to go unanswered especially since you are seeking communication advice! smile

in all seriousness though - what exactly do you want to be expressing with the guys? you want to be able to explain the past? and in so doing the experience would become more than just sex? i.e. more personal as if there was more of an emotional attachment?



_________________________
Jeff

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#385240 - 02/11/12 12:07 AM Re: Frozen [Re: westchesterguy]
everlastingstorm Offline


Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 3
Loc: SF bay area
Well, if I'm dating someone and he and I want to be in a relationship, I'd want to tell him about my abuse history in case I feel it affects me- during sex, or otherwise. Not necessarily every detail right away, but just saying that I was sexually abused as a child. If I'm feeling frightened and weirded out during sex, obviously there's something I need to say, but can't bring myself to it mainly because it's an awkward conversation and well, most guys I know are more interested in just doing it to feel good and not having to talk in between.


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#385313 - 02/11/12 01:39 PM Re: Frozen [Re: everlastingstorm]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Storm, in my experience it's not good to disclose your abuse to casual sex partners, before, during or after. Tends to weird most people out and turns what should be fun into a bit of a downer. Unless you're looking for a 'pity f**k', you should just keep it to yourself to avoid making THEM uncomfortable. I have disclosed to certain people in the past (usually to explain why I wasn't being more agressive, passionate and/or aroused) just so that they didn't think that I was unattracted to them. I explain what a "trigger" is and we can talk about it, but it doesn't usually make any difference...

On the other hand, whether and when to disclose to a real or potential partner is a good question, and I think a lot depends on what your motivation is. If it's in the interest of honesty and relationship building - MAYBE. If it's to explain why you behave in certain unexpected or inappropriate way - yes, it can be helpful. But if you're disclosing soley for the sake of disclosure, be warned that there can be negative consequences, like your partner viewing you as wanting sympathy, or your being 'damaged goods' with a lot of emotional baggage. Disclosing can be cathartic and freeing for you, but a lot of weight to put on someone else's shoulders. My advice is to use caution.

The real goal of healing is not to have to make excuses anymore, isn't it? To change those behaviours that would indicate to anyone else that we have issues...? I guess one of the quickest ways to stop having those issues and behaviors is to stop carrying them on your shirtsleeves. Save your confessions for your Therapist or your best girlfriend, not your husband, wife or significant other.

In My Humble Opinion, which is worth exactly what you paid for it!

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385319 - 02/11/12 02:03 PM Re: Frozen [Re: everlastingstorm]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: everlastingstorm
... most guys I know are more interested in just doing it to feel good and not having to talk in between.


ok, perhaps i understand.

so, i'm putting myself in "his" shoes.

i'm dating you for a few weeks - weekend comes and we spend it together and we have our first night together. now you tell me you were abused as a child before we engage in our first love making session.

if that paints the accurate picture so far, then, in my humble view, this follows: he'd very likely be extremely sensitive to your needs while holding you and touching you. perhaps he might just hold you all night and you guys don't fully engage.

if he is a fellow survivor, there could be a lot more "yup, i got it, totally understand" going on and thus engaging would be perhaps easier, no?

but, back to him as "a healthy non-survivor," since he likes you enough, he won't make demands or do anything that makes you uncomfortable at this stage. he'll probably want to know more and talk with you about it. i'd think he could also think "wow, this guy likes me enough to share some pretty major shit...."

that could tip the scales so to speak either way... do you know what i mean? how serious would it become, are you both ready for it to be that serious, etc. etc.

it really comes back to that old saying, right? treat people as you want them to treat you. :-) it also means "he must treat you the way he wants to be treated." anyone who treats you poorly - whether you tell him about the abuse or not - is just a scumbag in my view!

_________________________
Jeff

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#386622 - 02/21/12 02:55 AM Re: Frozen [Re: westchesterguy]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Wow Jeff. That is an awesome way to explain it and is very helpful. Thank you for posting that, it helps me to remember things because I haven't dated in a while.

Everlastingstorm, I'm kind of wierd in a lot of ways because I have never had casual sex as an adult. As a kid, well I was a little tart until I was 12. Then I had a couple of encounters that turned bad and I basically became too afraid to even date, let alone sleep around.

So my sexual relationships as an adult have been slow. I have to feel comfortable and trust them before I give up my body. Absolutely no jusdgement to those who sleep around, everyone is different and we handle things in our own way. I personally have to take things slow.

Most of my partners have been incredibly sensitive and if I get triggered they sensed it and backed down and somehow they always knew that I must be a CSA survivor and nicely asked. That is when I have told, and in very basic details. If they were sensitive enough they would ask deeper questions and I would open up and talk about it more.

So really my advice is, if it's a casual thing no need to bring it up unless you get triggered. If they don't sense it and are there for the fun of it only, then you have to make the decision to either stop or slow it down in that moment for your sake. If they ask, tell them you are uncomfortable and need to stop or slow it down.

It is YOUR body, and your body alone. Casual sex does NOT give anyone the right to treat you like a piece of meat, you are still a person with feelings and if they can't respect that than the can get a blow up doll and go at it, but no matter what you deserve to be treated with respect.

That doesn't mean you have to say anything, but if you start to get involved with someone longer term than when you get triggered tell them just that basics about being a survivor. If they are sensitive, than awesome you found someone worth keeping. smile

I hope that helps brother. Best wishes on your healing.

Alex


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