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#384957 - 02/08/12 07:06 PM Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? ***
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Ok - sorry guys, but I just have to blurt this out...

Eyesforward's loss has really hit me hard. I feel it deeply for her and all her loved one's family and friends. And i also feel it for myself. Sorry if it offensive to make this partly about my own thoughts and feelings BUT i can''t help it.

"There but for the grace of God go I"

Maybe others are getting knocked down a few steps too? i'm relatively new at getting involved here even though i registered years ago. I don't know if this sort of thing has happened before and how you all handled it.

i hope it's Ok to say that maybe we need to be honest about how it effects us...?

Crying for Eyesforward (and for me - and for you, too)
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384959 - 02/08/12 07:29 PM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1289
My heart is really splintered over this news. Every suicide is testiment to having taken the darkest journey one can take. What a terrible tragedy. All I can think to do is reach out to others who may be in the same boat.

Lee - you mentioned triggers. Yeah - me, too. When I was going through my abuse, I had a really, really good friend. My best friend. He was always there for me and while I kept my secret so well I didn't even tell my own diary, I always felt safe with him even if I couldn't tell him. A few years ago, he was giving the warning signs of suicide. We all saw it, and we all acted to help him, to talk with him. Then one morning his wife called me. He did not take a half-measure cry for help. He took enough hoarded oxycodeine and morphine to literally kill a herd of horses. He absolutely wanted to leave, and slammed the door behind him, leaving us to deal with the darkness...

The journey out of that grief for me was the toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I'm crying as I write this - it's such a tough, sad place to be. I'm broken without him. I'm less than I was. I miss him... SO... MUCH....

The survivors are left with incredible guilt. Anger at him - at ourselves. Sadness. A vacuum where a vibrant, crazy, wonderful man used to be. He was my magic man, and when he left, the world went from color to black and white. From Disney to some empty back lot.

But this isn't about me. It isn't about us. It's about Eyesforward now. And it's about anyone else here who may be dealing with the same dark pull - either with themselves or with a loved one. I can only offer what I learned through deep soul searching, reading and hard work.

Suicide does not mean you want to die; it means you can't see how you can possibly go on living. There's a big difference. My friend told me, "I don't want to die!" But he did - by his own hand. I wasn't there, but I always imagined him crying when he did it...

The tiniest ray of hope can be a lifeline to someone who contemplates taking his or her own life. Just a tiny pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel that holds a promise. That's the biggest lesson I learned in the wake of my best friends's suicide. If you can't do anything else, give them HOPE.

If this poor man's death stands for ANY good at all, it can perhaps light the way out of a similar darkness for another poor soul in similar desperation.

God bless you and Peace, Eyesforward...



Edited by Chase Eric (02/09/12 01:22 AM)
Edit Reason: I decided to make it a little more personal - because it DOES trigger...
_________________________



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#384962 - 02/08/12 07:34 PM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: traveler]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
well, lee, ok - lets be honest.

i wish i could have been with her fiance (?) before he took his life. i wish i could have talked him, a complete stranger to me, out of taking his life. i wish.... i could be with all male survivors before they make that decision.

because abuse or rape as child is not worth killing yourself over. in the interest of full transparency there are, i believe, reasons to end it - this isn't one of them.

while i'm not an "internet" kinda guy -- i actually hate the internet now -- i'm the meet at the pub, meet in person, slap you on the back and talk deep shit in person kinda guy. i don't know - to read her loss this morning "this way on a message board" is rather indescribable.

there is a level of unrealism -- because there is no attachment or connection. and yet there is a level of sympathy that runs far deeper than if i'd lost someone in my own family.

all i can repeat is what i typed earlier today on the ssa/gay post created by (chase eric). we need each other face-2-bloody-face.

this b.s. internet doesn't work!

_________________________
Jeff

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#384966 - 02/08/12 07:41 PM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: Chase Eric]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
I feel what you are feeling Traveler, very sad and dont know quite how to deal with it.
Just over a year and half ago I had thoughts of leaving this world too. I hate to say it but I kind of know how he may have felt. Maybe not.
All that I know in my heart is that CSA has crippled many a person and I just hate it.
I hate that Eyesforwad is having to deal with this as she is such a good person.
Most of all I hate that we lost a brother.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#384974 - 02/08/12 08:42 PM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: Dar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Quoting from PeterCorbett from one of his into welcome posts here:

***We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.***

On one of those rides right now. Just before hearing the news of Eyesforward's tragedy i posted something to the Progress forum.

It hasn't shown up there yet because it's being screened by the mods.

Now it sounds obscenely cheerful in this context. Totally out of synch with where i'm at now.

Sorry

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384987 - 02/08/12 09:39 PM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3601
Loc: South-East Europe
It is really sad and terrible news frown.
I also like whestchestergay don't like this virtual world too much. And sharing this kind of personal, sacred and very sad news is in some way inappropriate for me. Some of my friends used facebook for publishing terrible news for somebody's death. I didn't like that online sharing news feeling like we are watching damn CNN.
Personally when somebody die I need to be completely left alone, in peaceful and quiet environment. I would think about good and bad and many other memories and in that way would say my last good bye... Yes it is huge loss but also some kind of relief, it is secret part of our beings and we are all on that path.
Grief felt for such loss is very deep emotion which brings vortex of other emotions on surface. It shakes us from deep bottom to top. It is part of healing process which start so strongly and end is peaceful acceptance of what happened.
I hope Eyesforward is all right and that she is strong in all this...


_________________________
My story

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#385005 - 02/09/12 12:34 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3601
Loc: South-East Europe
I've just read some of recent Eyesforward's post before this terrible news.
Lee you've tried to be helpful and you gave some good advice. You did great job man.
This is so sad story. It is no wonder that you are feeling so much involved.
I hope that Eyes is not taking some blame on herself, she has done more than one fragile human being could offer frown

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My story

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#385007 - 02/09/12 12:40 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
very perceptive - good observations.
thanks
i join you in your hope

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#385038 - 02/09/12 10:16 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: westchesterguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1170
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 11:22 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#385039 - 02/09/12 10:22 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1170
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 11:23 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#385041 - 02/09/12 10:29 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1289
Amen, Jeff (lapchinj). You nailed it. Perfectly.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#385042 - 02/09/12 10:30 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: Chase Eric]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1568
Posted elsewhere and then saw this thread

How Fragile Life Is

Sadly yesterday we learned of the loss of someone who has endured the pain, loss of self and devastation of sexual abuse as a child. He had a wonderful woman there to support him, eyesforward. She was there to help him heal but sometimes the destruction done by others is so great, the mind and soul cannot heal. He lived each day to his best as does all survivors of CSA. Now eyesforward will have to move forward in life without the love of her life, but as a strong supporter she will be able to take solace in everything she has done and should not ask what else she could have done. There was nothing else for her to do--his pain and loss of self was too great. The perpetrator should learn of the devastation he caused not only to his victim but those around him. Sadly, I do not believe the perpetrator of abuse knows or understands remorse.

CSA survivors have a special need to relearn how to live in this world, a world full of love and hatred at the same time, a world full of compassion and ignorance, a world that lives with the truth and a world that lives in denial of the injustices and hurt inflicted on others, nurturers and destroyers, people with compassion and those who lack compassion. I hope the positive attributes significantly outweigh the negative. We have unfortunately seen how the ignorant and those that inflict pain on others has robbed a human of his life and forever impacted the lives of those around him.

I am sad to see a fellow survivor lost, he fought a valiant battle. We all face this battle each day--some are very fortunate to have the support like eyesforward gave and others are faced with the demons of the past which have them escaping from life and others are subject to continued torment, taunts, physical and verbal abuse and pain at the hands of others--who continue to destroy life and try to stop the victim from healing. But together we can support each other and heal.

The loss had made me realize the importance of public advocacy for the victims and awareness of the pervasiveness of CSA and SA in this country. It seems not a day goes by that we do not hear of some form of CSA or SA. We hear little about help for the victims, most who are left to deal with the shame and guilt on their own. This stifles their life, prevents them from knowing love and trusting others and sadly many fall victim to vices that destroy their lives and others find themselves in abusive situations once again. Help needs to be provided to the victims as soon as possible after the attacks. There should be no shame, families and friends should stand behind the victim and not cover it up and the public needs to understand the long term effects of the abuse on the victim.

I am not sure how to push forward but would be interested in ideas and ways to bring public awareness before anyone else is lost.


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#385043 - 02/09/12 10:47 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: KMCINVA]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I've not been able to cry like this in a long time, but it genuinely sucks. Your post says it all so very eloquently, and I thank you for it.

I don't think its a decision for me --- made by me. But this event is turning into energetic and renewing fuel for me...for my battles upon social change and social attitude.

For the moment, I'm crushed by this news, but at the same time, I'm able to get aggressive again with my war.

Number one on my list has always been "dissuading the myths" from the public grasp. The myths are what keep SO many of us from getting help, from disclosing, from collapsing at the feet of a parent, a cop, a minister...anyone who would help a badly injured child. Dissuade the myths - fix a lot of problems!

I've never called this MS population to action, because its really not appropriate. MS is a place to heal and discover. But I hope that the outside public who read this and will make some noise.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#385047 - 02/09/12 11:24 AM Re: Gotta say it *** TRIGGER? *** [Re: traveler]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: traveler
...I feel it deeply for her and all her loved one's family and friends....


traveler,

I feel for her and her family as well. I feel for all of us.

The pain of "feeling" what happened to us is very real. I as well as probably most of us have had devasting thoughts.

I am will you all in healing and recovery. I sign my name with the word "peace" before my name for this very reason.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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