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#38481 - 04/30/01 01:39 AM Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
This poem was written by me around 6 yrs ago.
it was printed in a book In Cabin Six Edt. by Jill Kuhn.

NO WORDS

There are no word to
describe my pain
explain how I feel.
Tell you I'm hurting

There are feelings
left in my body
they all left
The day you hurt me.

There are no tears
to be shead
because there are
No words inside me.

No words only numbness
feelings severed from my body
ripped from my soul
By your bare hands.

By M. Joseph

I posted this under Books for survivors, I would like to see more people talking about book they have found. Noone responded to my post, it makes me wonder how often someone visits there. I am very proud of my poems, and feel that the book written by male survivors is important. I do not know of another such book ever printed. Some of the poems are very strong, but there is a lot of healing in them. I encourage others to share resources tht have helped them.

Hope you liked my poem, I plan on sharing it at the conference in Oct.

[ 06-21-2001: Message edited by: michael Joseph ]

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38482 - 04/30/01 02:04 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Here is a newer poem which also has been put into print, and which I Plan on put into in a book of my own poetry, I wrote it early one morning within the last year when I woke up around 5 am. I wake up at either 3 or 5 a lot, I do not know why. Anyhow here it is.

WOUNDED

Wounded Child
Crying in Corner
Lost between Years

Crying out Silently
No One Comes
No ONE Hears

A Prison of Silence
Surrounds Me,
Into an Early Grave.

How do i start
to Breath Again?
Am I Someone's Slave?

A Wounded Child
grows, As Does
A Wounded Man

The Wound Becomes My Sword.
Like Tempered Steel,
I am strong again, Oh my Lord.

A Wounded Man Sat Crying
Lost Within his Years.

Silence at last was Broken
Stattered Woundes Turned
Into a River of Tears.

A Sword of Anger Broke Me Out,
As I Yelled Screamed and Roared.

The Prison wasn't
Mine at Last
It Was Yours.

By M. Joseph

I feel the growth I have made in this poem. Each day is still hard. I am grateful for anything that come out of me that helps. When I write it usually take 4 to 5 mins. and the poems are pretty much unchanged. My unconsious is comming out. Usually i do not know my dreams, I feel I am protecting myself. The poems have been a gift to myself, I hope that they help some of you.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38483 - 04/30/01 02:42 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thanks billy,

hope you get sleep, I know I could use it.

I AM

I AM not the abuse
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
I AM A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINNING
I AM BEAUTIFUL
I AM THE DANCE
I AM THE SONG
I AM CHERISHED
I AM LOVED
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!

By M. Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#38484 - 04/30/01 02:43 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thanks billy,

hope you get sleep, I know I could use it.

I AM

I AM not the abuse
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
I AM A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINNING
I AM BEAUTIFUL
I AM THE DANCE
I AM THE SONG
I AM CHERISHED
I AM LOVED
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!

By M. Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38485 - 04/30/01 02:55 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Sometimes it is hard for me to share these, I have waited to post them for a while. You can see more of me through them. These are very personal. Once a showed some of my poetry to another survivor, she said they were tipical of other survivor's poems. They may have some truth, but I felt it took away from their sigificance to me at the time. it was soon after I wrote them. Sometimes people think they are at a better place in rcovery, but I feel that part of that is an illusion. Just when you think you understand, you get bit in the but.

So these are a few of my poems, they came out of me to help me. If they help other that is great, but I do not think they are ordinary. More poems by abused people need to come to the light. We are many not few.
We are the majority not the minority.

Enjoy my poems.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38486 - 05/01/01 11:42 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Sometimes I feel like loving.

Sometimes I feel like tearing something apart.

Sometimes I feel like nothing.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38487 - 05/01/01 02:54 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
There are no words...

there are so many feelings,

i have pushed them way down,

now i am retieving them back up,

so i do not have to drag them around.


Sometimes I do not want to do anything.

Just rest. Just be by myself.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38488 - 05/08/01 01:24 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hi everyone, just a little down

I need to get outside today and enjoy the sun

The child in me needs to feel safe.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38489 - 05/08/01 08:57 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Billy two of my poems are published in the book "In Cabin Six"

It is important to get the word out.

Look under books for survivors

Book Edt. by Jill Kuhn

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38490 - 05/11/01 11:25 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
THERE ARE MANY POEMS OUT THERE, BUT NOT IN BOOKS WRITTEN BY ABUSED MALES, "IN CABIN SIX" IS THE ONLY ONE I KNOW OF WRITTEN BY SURIVIORS.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38491 - 05/17/01 10:20 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
HI BILLY, HOPE YOU ARE MAKING IT IN FLORIDA.

NEW POEM

LITTLE MIKEY

I USED TO PLAY WHEN I WAS A KID

THEN ONE DAY WHEN I WAS TEN

I HAD SEX WITH MY COUSIN

THEN IT WAS HARDER TO PLAY

SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME,

I WAS BAD

NOW I SPEND MY ADULT LIFE

REALAZING HOW GREAT I AM.

I CAN PLAY AGAIN!

THANK YOU LITTLE MIKEY! \:\)

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38492 - 05/24/01 04:10 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
You know after my cousin had sex with me when I was ten I felt really bad, going to hell bad. I had noone to talk to. The subject of sexual abuse about boys was not talked about. I was scared and alone. I felt like an outcast from society. I was a fagot at that point. I did not feel like I fit in anywhere. There were no words to describe how I felt. Just me walking home from school having the dry heaves because I felt sick by the whole thing. It was a shitty thing to do to someone.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38493 - 06/06/01 11:17 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Tell your story till you are done.

The silence killed little mickey.

Michael screams and yells when he has to.

I want to feel all of my feelings.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38494 - 06/07/01 08:24 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
You Bastard

Fucking touch me,
I dare you.
Fucking ruin my life,
You can only fucking try.

But I won't be ruined,
Just fucked up.
Fuck you for
Fucking up my life.

I wish your body could be
ripped apart by
wild fucking dogs.
Starting by ripping off
your fucking genitals.

I want you fucking
balls on a platter.
I want you to fucking die.
Take the pain you gave me,
and suck it down your throat.
You fucking Bastard.
Fucking leave my body alone.

By M. Joseph

Hope you understand where my poem is coming from. Thank you.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38495 - 06/07/01 08:38 PM Re: Silence
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Thanks for sharing I was so touched by your eloquent and deeply moving words.

hugs and thankyou

_________________________
Heal for Life Australian survivor retreat alumnus

Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#38496 - 06/21/01 05:33 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you for reading myy poems, I hope most can relate, they are theraputic for me.

Glad to share them with you.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38497 - 06/22/01 03:39 PM Re: Silence
Anonymous
Unregistered


I especially like the topic of this forum.

SILENCE

what a great use of irony since here is where expressions of innermost thoughts can be made through words - yet, in silence!

In this case, silence is golden.

I feel compelled to attempt to reveal some part of myself in a poem. I beg your indulgence:

The heavy table shelters me.
Once.
The tree shelters me.
Once.
A dash accross the gravel road, a visit with safety, in a house not my home.
I always go home.
I am too young to stay out all night, but not too young to be used,
confused,
abused,
perused for clues -some hidden insight.

I am the wise one, I am the child.
The other's sadness -my plight.

In taking from me,
a
memory
a
fancy-free possiblity. . .

In taking,
there is lost all hope.
He chokes
in guilt,

w i t h e r s

away.

I stagger on.


SG


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#38498 - 06/25/01 08:31 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
thank you for the poem, I liked it.

We are together, this place helps me every

time I come here.

Thanks SG

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#38499 - 07/01/01 10:47 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
we are not alone,

Once I thought I was all alone

I was mistaken

I am not alone

There are many like me

crying out for sanity in this

world where children are hurt

and neglected.

I am glad I survived.

I am glad you did too.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#38500 - 07/12/01 11:49 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I really believe my last post. That is why I come back. We need to stick together. This is a great place for support. Everyone who is male and hurt should be here. 1/2 the world would be here then. We all hurt.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#38501 - 07/12/01 11:56 AM Re: Silence
Anonymous
Unregistered


I can not tell you how some of the things you wrote in your poems is exactly like I have felt many times..
Great job...


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#38502 - 07/14/01 06:44 AM Re: Silence
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Quote:
Originally posted by michael Joseph:
You Bastard

Hope you understand where my poem is coming from. Thank you.


I started to read your poem, but I had to stop. I'm not ready to deal with the intensity of the anger I feel, but you did a great job of expressing it (as far as I managed to get). I hope I can get there too.

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#38503 - 07/14/01 05:57 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Anger comes and goes. You will get there.
Thanks for your comments. We need to stick together, and we are all OK inside.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38504 - 07/25/01 09:16 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Reading these poems at the Mike Lew weekend was amazing, I really feel like I got some of my voice back. I am so glad I went to the weekend. I thank everyone who was there.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38505 - 08/06/01 03:18 PM Re: Silence
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
here is one i cant remember,,,,

DARE ME NOT TO TOUCH YOU CLOSELY,
FOR THE PAIN WE BOTH SHALL BEAR,
I BURY MY HEART INSIDE A STONE,
TO AVOID THE WEIGHT OF THE WORDS "I CARE",
I SEE YOUR EYES SOFTLY SEEING MINE,
I FEEL THE TINGLE OF YOUR TOUCH,
BUT STAND YOUR DISTANCE!
DONT HUG ME NOW!
FOR I MIGHT LIKE IT MUCH TO MUCH,
AND IF I LET MY WALLS BREAK DOWN,
WHO THEN WOULD I BE?
HOW THEN COULD I DEFINE MYSELF,
AS PART OF YOU OR ALL OF ME?
//////////////////////////////


Top
#38506 - 08/12/01 04:51 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
That was nice thunderboldt. Thanks for sharing that here.

Poems are a great way to grow and learn about
myself.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#38507 - 08/16/01 09:36 PM Re: Silence
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1196
Loc: Northern Ohio
The Act, Betrayed

Running,
lights flash, movement
swaying in the darkness, my temple crashes
Skin is torn, blood flows, searing through, heat, burning
what a poor player, a single note
my life ends

He killed me with that single act, destroyed my life, yet seemed never satisfied.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

Top
#38508 - 08/17/01 06:20 PM Re: Silence
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank You Michael for the words from your heart and soul. It has inspired and given me strength to post one of my "just wrote it down as it came" poems. I had been ashamed to post it but I am tired of shame!!!

We.

Within me there are two,
We fight
We frolic as one rarely.
Mostly one of me hurts the other
Most times one has ruled the other,
To our distress.
We talk to each other,
But to no avail.
We are running now as we are opened up.
Exposed.

Will we ever be me?
Someday…I can only pray

Mike


Top
#38509 - 08/19/01 01:57 PM Re: Silence
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you for sharing these poems, guys.

LanceC


Top
#38510 - 09/05/01 06:05 PM Re: Silence
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1196
Loc: Northern Ohio
After reading what ive written, I should Warn you of this post.

Feelings to the left of me,
thoughts to my right,
a confusing, twisted mess before me
I walk without a light.

Somber fields lay behind me,
where my feet once tread
I can not stand to look at me,
I much rather be dead

I hate this life. Life = pain, fear, loneliness, fustration, disappointment.
This is a endless cycle. I don't want to go where I'm headed. I can't stand the thought of having more to deal with. More of the same. I want to be free of this agony. My job is falling apart. My life seems a hopeless mess of endless failings and shortcomings. I'll never be rid of his words, his soothsaying, his "telling u how it is". He said I was "nothing", I try to disbelieve, overcome it all. But no, he's right, though he's made this mess, I can't seem to clean it up. Why the Im I writing this at all. A final scream perhaphs? This is so damn sickning. Damn his fucked-up twisted piece of shit soul to hell. I don't even believe in Hell, but if there is.....I'm so tired of this Shit! I can't get the fucking message out of me, the message he drove into me with his Dick and his endless stream of searing words. Over and over and over. He beat me into submition with his belt, and...Oh God....his hands! What terror. He should have protected me, instead he used me like a tissue. Pick me up fuck me and make me say "Tank you Daddy". Hell, damn, shit, NO, Stop it, pain! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN< HIM< I CANT STAND THIS FUCKING TORTURE!!!!!!!!!. ...................
There's not enough beer on this whole fucked up world to drown my rage. No word can explain the pain, the humiliation, the terror, the Feeling. I have such hate, so much hate. And that lowest scum shit got away with it. He's dead. He cheated me out of my vengence. No consequences for him. I can talk this shit for the next 100 years. There's no peace. Just endless self hating for all I should accomplish and don't, guilt for allowing myself any pleasure-for not allways fighting back-for not killing myself then, sorrow for all I've missed in this shit-box life, saddness for such a grim future. Must I (or anyone) suffer so? Death is still an option, one I comtemplate still, but I may be the coward he told me I was. I dont really see why else I continue to exist in this living damnation. One agonizing day after the next, How overjoyed he'd be, to see me now. He got an extra high when I cried. I remember him laughing while I cry and screamed. I'd love to see him to, so I could kill him.
There, one tenth of whats on my mind.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#38511 - 09/06/01 08:44 AM Re: Silence
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
tell me more....


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#38512 - 11/10/01 09:04 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I just reread this post, I encourage others to share their writings, and thank those who have shared here. It has helped me remember I am not the only one.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38513 - 12/06/01 10:03 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Sickness
vomit spewing
out of my mouth
it hurts
get it out
I want it out
help me get this wickness
out of my body
Hold me for a long time
when its done.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38514 - 12/06/01 10:10 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
wickness=wickedness
sorry about my spelling error

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38515 - 12/22/01 03:04 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
shattered
lost
broken

memories lost
visions remembered
hurting heart

surviving somehow
alone in the dark
scared to go into the light

hopefully less scared and alone

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38516 - 12/30/01 04:15 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
How do I Just live my life?
Feel what I am feeling?
Be me?

There is more to me than the abuse.
There is hope for tomorrow and today.
There is being who I am, me.

It is ok to feel the way I feel.
To live the way I want to.
And to say what I need to say.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38517 - 12/30/01 11:26 PM Re: Silence
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 987
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Michael Joseph . . Thanks for sharing your poetry. I can see how growth come out of this. Keep on opening what you have inside and sharing. Its great.

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

Top
#38518 - 01/01/02 05:32 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thankyou Ken and welcome to NOMSV again.
see you on the chat soon.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38519 - 01/01/02 05:33 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thankyou Ken and welcome to NOMSV again.
see you on the chat soon.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
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#38520 - 01/29/02 09:07 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
One thing that I do is try to be perfict to make up for the abuse. My mother would correct me on things or point out what I did wrong. Call me chubby, not thinking it would hurt me, when it was her own weight issues that were at hand. She has a great deal of problems.

Then there is having my dad die when I was 12. Not to mention all the abuse.

How did I reach 39, it is awonder. I am glad foor what I have now. The road has been very shakey and bumppy. I know I have paid my dues, I am done being a victim.

Not only a survivor I am a thriver. I will succeed. It is in me to go forward no matter what. Fuck those bastards that abused me they will get their own in the end.

I will stand tall, just as you all should too!!!

Stand up with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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#38521 - 02/27/02 08:17 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Feb must have been a downer, My last post in Jan sounds so positive. I am starting to get more positive again.

Fuck you Steve for touching me.
It was hard enough to loose my father.
Why did you have to do this?

I just want to be Ok. Any words of wisdom are welcome. Thanks. Just venting.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38522 - 03/30/02 09:51 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad it is spring, I welcome it.
Hopefully it will inspire me to write more
poetry.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38523 - 04/25/02 10:16 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Jim wanted to know where this topic was so I am replying to it.

Words,
lost stuck in my
Breathe

His hands,
playing with me
as I sleep

Love,
is all I wanted
I got him

Betrayed,
the bastard
F--- him

A life,
full of confusion
F--- him again

Does it end !
Only time
will tell!

Words,
no one wants
to hear

Tell them anyway
Stop the abuse
Now !

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38524 - 04/27/02 09:48 AM Re: Silence
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
Hi. Remembered about a year back. Putting the pieces back together and trying to figure out who the hell I actually am, not who I thought I was with shadowy fingers reaching out of my past to change my course from time to time in ways I didn't like and didn't understand.

Wrote this years ago and didn't know what it meant then. Got a pretty good idea now:

The darkness rose
and roiled and boiled
and beneath it
THERE!
lay something coiled

I reached within
and couldn't see my hand
but I felt
THERE!
lay something coiled

I reached once more
with my other hand
and felt something
THERE!
in the darkness something lay coiled

And I saw in
the darkness
something uncoil
THERE!
in the darkness
something was uncoiled

And I still don't know what it was


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#38525 - 04/27/02 07:50 PM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you for your poem!

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#38526 - 04/27/02 11:22 PM Re: Silence
Anonymous
Unregistered


You're poems are lovely,Michael. Don't fret lack of response. Whatever gets one's ya ya's out works for me. The old way did'nt involve a lot of talking. Was'nt any choice,no options. Nowadays there's options. That's probably a lot better than the old way of self destruction,horror quieted,rage in plain sight unobserved..


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#38527 - 04/28/02 03:10 PM Re: Silence
Jim C. Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/02
Posts: 63
Loc: New Mexico
Thank you Michael Joseph, thought I'd include a poem back for you...it relates to Silence...

Jim C.

Quote:
Code:

[b]Poetry Undone[/b]


There are words I never spoke, 
	which no ear has ever heard.  
		They are words that must be spoken, 
			poetry which must be written.  

Unable to express all the words 
	as they rush madly through my mind.  
		All vitally important expressions 
			of what needs to be said.

All part of the same truth 
	which I know and experience.
		The words, however, still elude me.  

I am too inept for their expression;
	too ineffectual to compose
		what the individual words cannot.

Belabored, I attempt to write 
	what my mind has spoken, 
		what my mind has heard, and
			the words fall blindly on the page
				expressing nothing.

The unity presented in my mind 
	lays spoiled on the paper lacking coherence.


[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: Jim C. ]

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In all of time and space, there is but one you and one me...

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#38528 - 05/04/02 06:01 AM Re: Silence
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
As I lay
beside him

all I want is Love
all I got was his hand
on my private parts

As I lay beside him
I can feel warm and comforted
it is only an illusion

He will take all he can get
and give back very little
leaving a hole inside me

As I lay beside him
I ignore what is going on
pretending it is ok

now I am confused
and cannot change
what happened

He no longer lays beside me
I chose who touches me
It was never OK !

I wish I never knew Him.

M. Joseph 5-4-02

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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