My journey to this point has been very frightening, most of what is in this blog I can identify with but these posts leave me confused and more depressed. My last kick off the cliff happened in November when I was flying for work the week before Thanksgiving last year and my flight was delayed. I sat on the plane with nothing to read so I pulled out my PDA and started reading the news. I was drawn to the article about Penn State since I am survivor of sexual abuse myself, I found in the past that most of time these types of articles are encouragement. The door to the plane closed while I was reading and before I realized it, I was having a full panic attack and all I could do the entire three hours of the flight is cry and hope that no one noticed. I have been very depressed and the holidays have made things much worse. I am barely making it through and at this time only managing work.

I have tried therapy in the past but have had very bad luck, most of the time the therapist seem horrified or not interested. I have also had much worse with one therapist only interested in sex stories about the abuse and one other trying to get me to accept Jesus and telling me that I am a sinner. I have tried many resources but I do not think that I could take another bad therapist again. The one thing that has helped is running away for a couple of weeks, honestly I am thinking of flying to Bali in a few weeks. This may sound bad but I really need to get it together soon.

I do have a good life and feel that I am letting everyone down. It has taken me a month to register for this blog and several days to write this. Any and all help would be appreciated; I am very lost at this point.

Thank you for your help.

joel, if i may make a suggestion -- contact http://www.richardgartner.com/about.html and others running this organization for that matter and network to find a therapist in your hometown who is trained (or willing to be trained) in helping male survivors. i believe richard will coach therapists from afar as well. i find it absolutely outrageous and so unacceptable that you can't find a decent professional to turn to at this point in time. my heart goes out to you.

Welcome to MS JoelS!
I'm sorry that you are survivor and that you are here because of that. At least this is place where you can find many good resources which could help you.
Don't be scared (but we all are in our first steps), there is nothing wrong with you and your feelings. That bad experience is some kind of sign that you as survivor are not completely healed and that you should take it slowly. There are times when we are triggered and everyone has to learn how to cope with self.
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't be lucky with therapy but at same time I have to say that those therapist weren't doing their job. Here at this site you can find input how to find good therapist - it is really helpful, I can't find link but I've seen it somewhere. You are lucky cause at least you in USA have some resources, in other parts of world it is much harder to find any sort of service which could give some assistance to male survivors.
Here is some input for those like you who are showing first time at Male Survivor, please read it, there is some homework for you
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Feel at home, for me this is safe environment and I've found people very supportive here.
PS. If some stories posted here would be in some way problematic for you don't read it, stories like that in subject have sign "trigger warning" for your information. There would be plenty of time for you to adapt, there is no need for speed! Road to healing is one step forward and two steps back as someone here said!
Be well!
Pero

Joel,

I hope you feel less lost. I know those first few steps are very difficult but, you have made them.

Here on malesurvivor (MS) we understand. I hope you find the solace you deserve.

Peace,
Avery

Hello Joel. Your recent experiences of crying on a plane are very real and understandable. I hope that joining here will help bring some peace and balance to your immediate situation and promote visions of pathways ahead.

Hi Joel,

when I first came here I thoguht there was no hope, however now I know differently.

The road of recovery is long, difficult, and takes its own time, however it can be done. If I can do it anyone can.

The guys have listed some great articles for you. Here's one more A consumer's guide to therapist shopping. You're not the first to come across some of the worst therapists and this will teach you how to find one that's right for you.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask anything.

Curtis

Hi, my fraternal brother, Joel,

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding, hope & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain.)

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

Joel, you are not lost, as you can see you have a lot of company on this road to recovery.

Take advantage of the advice offered to you. You can pick & choose what you want to accept.

So, my fraternal brother, Joel, come on we'll show the way. Wishing you well on your journey to recovery.
Heal well, Joel, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

I hear you buddy! I once got on a plane from Dallas to SFO and by the time I got there I was so upset that I got on the very next plane back to Dallas. I know what it's like to be completely lost, completely deflated and demoralized and panicked. There was a time in my life when it happened regularly, to the point where I was diagnosed as being BiPolar. I can tell you now that diagnosis was incorrect, and even harmful. What I have (and what you may have as well) is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). When you do find a therapist, mention that to him/her and see what they think.

As for the panic attacks, I have developed a few strategies for dealing with them. First, I keep reminding myself that this is NOT my fault. Not what caused me to be this way in the first place, nor the fact that I am helpless to do anything about it at the moment. Forgive yourself for being ill, because that's what it is; and illness not not a weakness. Secondly, treat it like what it is. Just as if you had the flu or a sprained back, take some time off and treat yourself well. Get some rest. Don't crawl under a rock, but let people close to you know that you're a little under the weather and that you'll be fine in a day or two. Then pamper yourself a little bit.

Hope this helps!

Joel

Welcome to MaleSurvivor-

You have found a safe and supportive community of men who understand a lot of what you face. There are dozens of resources listed or linked here to guide you on This path.

Abuse affects me profoundly and damaged and tangled so much of myself and sexuality.
Walking through the confusion, feeling the pain and taking my own measured steps is the name of the game. I see how my defense mechanisms are tied to old hurts. I begin to orient myself from the lost place to a increasing awareness of who I am and where I came from - so I can better move forward to a life I want to embrace fully.

Breathe a bit more deeply. Look around here (see below). And know you can be safe, supported and at home here.