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#385034 - 02/09/12 09:23 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: MarkK]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
*** if it weren't for the fact that so much of my life is reacting to things i don't remember - maybe i could just move on. ***

YES - Eloquently expressed!

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#385117 - 02/10/12 12:50 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: MarkK]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Be careful that you don't spiral down to total depression and suicide.

Try to change what you think about, you seem to be caught up in a spiral of bad thoughts.
Try some NLP, or mind power, or some Anthony Robbins, anything to get some positive input into your life.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385181 - 02/10/12 02:06 PM Re: hitting bottom [Re: whome]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Martin - don't know what NLP, mind power, or Anthony Robbins is/are - but I do understand the total depression - that's why I'm actually considering going into therapy again. The days and nights are just too difficult.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#385250 - 02/11/12 01:58 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: MarkK]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Mark do go into therapy, please. Last year I went to seven funerals. This year we had the tragic loss of eyesforwards partner. Please don't become another stat.

You need to start to focus on good things, take one thing that has happened that is good and look at it, then find another and another. You need to almost get physical with your brain and when it sees bad you need to almost visualize yourself throwing that bad thought out.

Focus on the fact that thousands have healed from this curse, and that you can be one off those too.

PM me if you need any guidance, or if you feel down. remember that you have friends here, even if we have never met.

You are a valuable allies in the fight against csa, WE NEED YOU, WE WANT YOU WITH US.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#385265 - 02/11/12 08:10 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Mark
Thanks for putting this out there -

WhoTF said you have to hit a deeper bottom?

Willingness to change, to grow, and to get better are what is really essential.

Im sure you have already worked thru a lot already- can you list some of those accomplishments for us here? What did WoR teach you? What has MS taught you in your time here?

What strengths for assets have you built for yourself? I'd love to hear those too. And I bet lots of men here could benefit from your sharing these lessons..

And What is the next page in your story? What would you want for yourself in February 2012?

My hope for you is that you keep plugging into positive sources of healing and recovery and unplug more and more from the negative stuff and naysayers- (I k know my worst critic is between my ears.!)

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#385301 - 02/11/12 12:41 PM Re: hitting bottom [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
To keep the analogy moving right along.... when i "hit bottom" i had no idea it was coming. The hole i was falling into was sooooo black no matter how fast the bottom was coming at me all i saw was black. so the whole time even inches away from what WAS the bottom looked like it streched to the depths of the abyss and i'd be falling forevr. once my eyes adjusted, and the pain from landing went away, i could see where i was and began my climb. I have no allusions this will be fast or easy on me or my support net.

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#385338 - 02/11/12 04:23 PM Re: hitting bottom [Re: Treehugger75]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Mark,

It's true that the bottom can seem to drop and drop and drop.

What I've found over the years is that you find the real and final bottom to the pain when you learn to see it as a cloud of emotional chemistry that is covering up your ability to see the world as it truly is.

My best example is of an anxiety attack so extreme that I was lying in the fetal position on my living room rug crying uncontrollably and facing waves of anxiety so huge that it was like being crushed by millions of tons of water, pounded into a smaller and smaller self so that I had no where to go.

I've never experienced anything like it in my entire life. That was the bottom for me.

And when it it got so bad and so extreme that there wasn't any smaller that I could get

And when I realized that I was still alive!

there came this moment of amazing insight. And I just looked at the anxiety and said, "Is that all you have?! Is that it?! Bring it on! Give me everything you've got!"

And suddenly though the anxiety was still fifty foot waves, I was the awesomest surfer who ever lived, riding high and laughing, the adrenaline surging like never before in my life.

It went from being the worst day of my life to one of the most amazing.

It's never been as bad again. I've had anxiety since, but it's always been manageable.

What I'm getting at: You hit the bottom when you're ready to say, I can ride it out. I guess on some level for me, that was the day I stopped being a victim of my own attitudes towards my past.

It was the coolest thing ever.

I hope this is helpful,


Danny


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#385416 - 02/12/12 03:32 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: DannyT]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Great example, Danny!
thanks for sharing it.
i will remember it as a help in the future.
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#385557 - 02/13/12 09:24 AM Re: hitting bottom [Re: DannyT]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: DannyT
What I'm getting at: You hit the bottom when you're ready to say, I can ride it out.

then i well may never hit bottom because i don't see how i'll ever be able to "ride it out".

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#385583 - 02/13/12 01:33 PM Re: hitting bottom [Re: MarkK]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 100
Loc: Washington DC
In my mind, hitting bottom just means that the need you feel to address the CSA is more powerful than whatever is holding you back from getting help ... shame, anger, whatever. Sometimes it never happens and people never get help.

My first sponsor in NA put it to me very clearly. He said life is a banquet hall, and I'm at the table where they're serving up misery. And I can eat until I am sick and then eat more for as long as I can stand it.

But I can also push myself away from that table and choose another one where they are serving something better for me. Just a matter of choosing to take that action.

But his main point was that nobody could make me make a choice to stay with what I was doing or move on to something else. It was mine alone and, in reality, very few people care one way or the other what I did. Hitting bottom is just another name for deciding to change.

I waited a lot of years because I didn't like what it said about me to have to go to therapy and look for help in working on my CSA. I tried a ton of other ways to avoid it. But finally, I decided to do the thing I hated most because I couldn't live the way I was living, and any change would be better.

I've thought a lot about the choice since then. People who say life gets great for CSA survivors are full of shit, IMO. It may get good for some. God bless them. Maybe it will for me. Until now, life's gotten somewhat better. And I'm at least proud of the choice I making.

So maybe that's hitting bottom...When life gets so shitty that even a little improvement is worth the effort and pain and indignity of dealing with this crap. Good luck on your journey. As always, if anything I've said is helpful, that's great; that was my intent. If it's not useful, please just disregard it as just some nut posting on a bulletin board.

_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

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