When does it end guys? Ok so are there any others out there who like me are fighting this reinactment over and over. I was raped by a jock at age 12 thru 15 no i find my self every time i see young boys ages 12 thru 16 i mentally undress them and wonder how they would have handled what i went thru. i try to imagin how they would look naked and having sex they did or did not ask for. I am tormented by this every day so now i find it very hard to go to pools or going camping and being at the lake and there are young hot bodied boys almost naked running around. It drives me nuts. I try so hard to ignor and in most cases i pick up and leave. why or there any others out here going thru this if so please introduce yourself and talk to me about this I need to know how to mangage this. it is driving me nuts i have tried talking to someguys but they are not experiencing it the way i am so are there any out there???????

I am very religious and pray daily and nightly but still i am haunted by this. satan does not want to let go of me i am willing to even email if you want to help there has to be someone out there like me.

Skylar- I hope You have read enough here an found some of the books and articles on the resources page to know your reaction is not unusual.

My abuse by some older teens impacted me deeply-I was afraid of strong confident males and wanted to beat them up and see them suffer. Sexually I found was to simulate this abusive scenario that were safe and consensual and legal and yet all those things never resolved the deep need I had for retaliation and rage for what was done to me.

There are some good books about healing -start with the ones listed on ms- see my signature - and keep in touch with your struggles and progress to root this out.
Honestly sharing the struggles is a great start.

Mountainous Buck--I know you are correct. This past weekend I spent time with old college friends. It was the first time since my healing began and speaking about the abuses in my life. I noticed I was much more at ease, relaxed and could relate differently, in a positive way, to everyone. I no longer felt people looked at me differently because they probably never did, it was my own perception of myself. One guy from the group is aware of the abuses in my life and is very supportive (probably the whole gang knows but nothing was said). Healing is positive and clearly being with supportive and good people makes the journey easier. I now understand the fears I have when in the home from flashbacks and the overall living environment, that telling them about the abuse was not positive because the treatment has not been supportive and it can become destructive to the healing process.

Talking and looking at one self differently can change how you live your life. I do like your signature--yes and sadly we have to take responsibility for what we are not responsible for--abusers do not take responsibility for their actions but leave it to the victim to pick up the pieces and continue to believe the victim is at fault.

Skylar -

Just read back through the last half-dozen or so threads in this section of the forums and you will see that you are not different, unique or alone. many of us have the same confusion and conflict and struggles. You are very brave to express so openly and clearly what is troubling you. I have had the same problem. in a thread called "Is it Stockholm Syndrome?" i told my story here and the continuing effects of the experiences and memories.

You said:"I am very religious and pray daily and nightly but still i am haunted by this." That sounds like me too. As well as others.

some of the posts in the Spirituality forum may speak to your challenges. They have helped me a LOT! Sounds like you are making a courageous effort to win the battle. I'll pray for you. Not sure if my prayers are much good, but it's one way to show you some support.

Grace, Mercy & Peace,
Lee

[quote=skylar777]...am so are there any out there???????..../quote]

skylar,

You are not alone in this. You are amongst other guys-brothers who are going through the same issue.

For me, the feelings or thoughts have lessened over time.

Others have listed some very good resources.

Peace,
Avery