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#386691 - 02/21/12 02:45 PM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: limit]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
having been abusive in my life, there are a lot of people who i need to apologize to as well. i would never expect that by the virtue of my apology, should all of my wrongdoing be absolved and i be granted forgiveness. i would simply want them to know how i feel about it and that i take responsibility for it.


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#386711 - 02/21/12 03:35 PM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: limit]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Thank you for this post limit. What is sad to me is that from your post I realize that the line between an apology and forgiveness for me is very blurred.

My second step father never sexually abused me, but was very abusive in other ways. He has BPD which really confused me because one minute he would be nice, and BAM, he would fly off the handle and become abusive out of no where, which was a hell of a lot of fun for a CSA survivor.

He programmed me through abuse to view an apology and forgiveness as the same. He would apologize and then throw it back in my face and scream at me if I didn't forgive him for what he did.

I felt like a damn yo-yo. You helped me to realize that learning the difference between an apology and forgiveness is another growth opportunity.

Thank you.

Alex



Edited by Forexpreneur (02/21/12 03:35 PM)

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#386833 - 02/22/12 06:50 PM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: Forexpreneur]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
no problem. though that post is only my opinion on the matter, to me it makes logical sense. i have BPD too. i have had to make the differences between things, as minute as they are, obnoxiously clear inside of my own head so that i don't go around hurting people unintentionally.


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#386843 - 02/22/12 09:13 PM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: limit]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Originally Posted By: limit
having been abusive in my life, there are a lot of people who i need to apologize to as well. i would never expect that by the virtue of my apology, should all of my wrongdoing be absolved and i be granted forgiveness. i would simply want them to know how i feel about it and that i take responsibility for it.


And that is what I want to hear from my perp. There are others who have deeply hurt me from whom I wish to hear an apology. To me, a wound can't truly be healed until it stops bleeding. Some may disagree, but the blood will always flow until I hear two heart felt words - I apologize - when someone has truly put a dagger through my heart.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#461699 - 02/28/14 03:26 AM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: herowannabe]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
the answer to your last two questions
- Would a sincere apology have helped relieve you of your own misplaced shame and guilt?

- If your abuser would offer a sincere apology now that you are an adult, would it help you?

is "yes".

but my answer to first question is
"- Isn't an apology something ALL abusers should offer?"
is "no".

the abuser should offer compensation as well, without reservation.
unconditional surrender.

mind you, in my life, i have never seen a criminal apologize without being caught and beaten or threatened.

the only remorse i have seen has been coerced.
it usually is an attempt to avoid punishment,
rather than a true repentance and acceptance of consequences.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#461729 - 02/28/14 02:05 PM Re: An abuser's apology? Survivor input, please! [Re: herowannabe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
My most important apology was to myself.

My abuser was a screwed up teen. He may have been abused. My parents, being slacker drunk pieces of shit, are the ones that facilitated the abuse.

My mother asked fly forgiveness on her deathbed. I must say I forgave her and it felt validating on what I thought about my life being screwed up.... But it changed nothing related to my recovery,

My dad died drunk and disowned by the family. I never saw him,or his funeral. He was a waste at his end. It did nothing for me.

So I must say forgiving me, realizing it was not my fault, that is the critical amend to be made.

Best wishes on our recovery.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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