Newest Members
JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish, JPmc
12437 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carperson (26), Daryoush (59), Gary31 (48), Overburdened78 (33), scaredcrappie (29), ThomasO (63), Wornoutsoul (38), WRR (34), zakwilde005 (45)
Who's Online
3 registered (wiresguy1, 2 invisible), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12437 Members
74 Forums
63847 Topics
445821 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#384400 - 02/05/12 01:32 AM How could you mother have helped you?
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
My son is 6yo and was sexually abused recently. He disclosed to me in detail. I was calm and told him that it was all the perp's fault. I asked him to repeat with me firm and loud "my body belongs to me." I told him that if I saw the perp I would kill him. He was happy and relieved. He is seeing a therapist.

My question is for the male survivors. What do you wish your mother did for you if you had told her you were abused when the abuse happened? What could she have done to make things better, to make all the difference for you? What would make your pain that you have been carrying reduce?

I will do anything, anything at all to help my child. Please help me be there for him.


Top
#384403 - 02/05/12 01:48 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Pat,
I am so sorry. What a brave wonderful little boy you have. It's must have been something for him to come and tell you. My husband had only wished his mom had protected him. He didn't feel like he could talk to his mom so you are already doing something right because he opened up to you. I wish you the best.
Gretta


Top
#384404 - 02/05/12 01:54 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Gretta]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Gretta. I am very glad he did. I found out because he confronted the perp in front of everybody.

But now, it is all in my hands. I know I have a long road and I want to do anything possible to help him.

I am sorry about your husband. I am glad that he has you.


Top
#384425 - 02/05/12 06:59 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
WOW, Pat - what a question! It is WONDERFUL that you're asking! But Iím so sorry that you need to!!!

I was abused from age 5 1/2 to 15 in at least 7 settings with the active or passive participation of at least 12 different males from both family and "friends" as well as strangers. The most difficult to deal with was my step-father because there was no escape. If my mother had protected me we might have had to leave the home. But that might have also prevented the other events.

But I wish she had been willing to face what was happening - YOU are doing that - Well done!

I wish she had been aware of why i was not acting normal and that she had started asking questions - YOU are doing that - Good!

I wish she had listened to me and believed me - YOU have done that - Excellent!

I wish she had been willing to confront the perps and make them accountable - I guess your son started that (AMAZINGLY BRAVE KID, BTW!!!) and I don't know if you can follow through on that or not?

I wish my mom had made sure I was safe when i left the house. I was repeatedly in unsafe situations that *should* have been ok - school, scouts, pool, Y and yet the adults that *should* have been responsible turned a blind eye. It is really hard to protect kids outside the home without making your son paranoid or locking him up "for his own good." But you can take reasonable precautions.

I wish she had gotten me professional help - a good therapist - the rest of my life might have been much better. If you can do that - GO FOR IT!

I wish she had jsut loved and affirmed and accepted me as i was - imperfect and wounded - instead of transferring all her loyalty to her husband and deserting me.

YOU CAN GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LAVISHLY! And it sounds like you do.

Your little boy is incredibly fortunate and blessed to have you as a mom and he will be OK because you are asking the right questions and doing the right things!

Respectfully,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#384431 - 02/05/12 09:14 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: pat8
My son is 6yo and was sexually abused recently. He disclosed to me in detail. I was calm and told him that it was all the perp's fault. I asked him to repeat with me firm and loud "my body belongs to me." I told him that if I saw the perp I would kill him. He was happy and relieved. He is seeing a therapist.

My question is for the male survivors. What do you wish your mother did for you if you had told her you were abused when the abuse happened? What could she have done to make things better, to make all the difference for you? What would make your pain that you have been carrying reduce?

I will do anything, anything at all to help my child. Please help me be there for him.




Pat8, your son has got the mom he needs. He can't get any better. Brave kid. I'm very sorry. As far as your question, a mom like you and a dad 100% opposite of mine. Keep it up. Some parents want medals for doing the right thing for their kids. You sound nothing like those parents. He's lucky he has a mom like you. The medal for a parent is a grown up kid that makes them proud.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#384443 - 02/05/12 11:11 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: phoenix321]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
What Phoenix said!

God bless your sweet, brave boy! You've done a terrific job with him, and I don't doubt he's going to be okay because of YOU!

Godspeed!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#384452 - 02/05/12 01:49 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: herowannabe]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1138
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
One suggestion, which is more from my perspective as a dad and not about my mother (which is a good thing for this conversation).

Don't over protect him. He is a boy, and as he grows he will need to find his own way. Make his own friends, etc. My wife has trouble with this concept, and our son is 18! Lol.

So you do sound like a wonderful mom, but please don't use this terrible experience to try to shield him from life. He needs to grow up, and experience life.

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#384495 - 02/05/12 09:19 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Jim1961]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Jim how do you not over protect knowing everything we hear on this board? I use to be really laid back and thought this stuff happened somewhere else. I am a crazy woman know.


Top
#384501 - 02/05/12 09:51 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: traveler]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thank you, Lee.

I am watching my son closely. I will not let my guards down. I will follow your advice. It will take a while for him to fully understand what happened, but I will keep teaching him how to protect himself too.

I can't do much against the perp as he lives in another country, and it happened there while I was on vacation. But I will do what I can from here. The legal system does not help me, but I know he is being held accountable, and is shamed and ostracized by my family (he is an extended family member).

Originally Posted By: traveler
WOW, Pat - what a question! It is WONDERFUL that you're asking! But Iím so sorry that you need to!!!

I was abused from age 5 1/2 to 15 in at least 7 settings with the active or passive participation of at least 12 different males from both family and "friends" as well as strangers. The most difficult to deal with was my step-father because there was no escape. If my mother had protected me we might have had to leave the home. But that might have also prevented the other events.

But I wish she had been willing to face what was happening - YOU are doing that - Well done!

I wish she had been aware of why i was not acting normal and that she had started asking questions - YOU are doing that - Good!

I wish she had listened to me and believed me - YOU have done that - Excellent!

I wish she had been willing to confront the perps and make them accountable - I guess your son started that (AMAZINGLY BRAVE KID, BTW!!!) and I don't know if you can follow through on that or not?

I wish my mom had made sure I was safe when i left the house. I was repeatedly in unsafe situations that *should* have been ok - school, scouts, pool, Y and yet the adults that *should* have been responsible turned a blind eye. It is really hard to protect kids outside the home without making your son paranoid or locking him up "for his own good." But you can take reasonable precautions.

I wish she had gotten me professional help - a good therapist - the rest of my life might have been much better. If you can do that - GO FOR IT!

I wish she had jsut loved and affirmed and accepted me as i was - imperfect and wounded - instead of transferring all her loyalty to her husband and deserting me.

YOU CAN GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LAVISHLY! And it sounds like you do.

Your little boy is incredibly fortunate and blessed to have you as a mom and he will be OK because you are asking the right questions and doing the right things!

Respectfully,
Lee



Top
#384502 - 02/05/12 09:52 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Phoenix and Herowannabe!


Top
#384503 - 02/05/12 10:03 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Jim1961]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Jimmy. I know what you mean.

I will have to walk a fine line...For now I will surely not let him be by himself with anyone else . It all happened in an interval of just 4 hours that he was at my brotherís house (my brother was at work, my niece was in another room). And the perp is someone who I watched grow, who I know since he was 5yo himself. SoÖ I canít and wonít trust anyone else (only my husband, and my parents, of course). My son is now very vulnerable, because his boundaries were somehow shattered. I have to help him rebuild them, and help him understand what happened.

I am just so glad he is not a teenager. I know things will change as he grows. I still have many years during which he praises parents more than friends smile. He is strong willed and assertive. It will not be easy for me to over shield him as a teenager. So, my groundwork has to be now.


Originally Posted By: Jim1961
One suggestion, which is more from my perspective as a dad and not about my mother (which is a good thing for this conversation).

Don't over protect him. He is a boy, and as he grows he will need to find his own way. Make his own friends, etc. My wife has trouble with this concept, and our son is 18! Lol.

So you do sound like a wonderful mom, but please don't use this terrible experience to try to shield him from life. He needs to grow up, and experience life.

Jimmy



Top
#384505 - 02/05/12 10:23 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Note: my son was there for 4 hours , but the perp only had access to him for a small fraction of it. But it was long enough to cost him for his lifetime.
My niece asked to spend time with him, and once he was there she went chatting with her friends on the net instead. That is all it takesÖ

Originally Posted By: pat8
Thanks, Jimmy. I know what you mean.

I will have to walk a fine line...For now I will surely not let him be by himself with anyone else . It all happened in an interval of just 4 hours that he was at my brotherís house (my brother was at work, my niece was in another room). And the perp is someone who I watched grow, who I know since he was 5yo himself. SoÖ I canít and wonít trust anyone else (only my husband, and my parents, of course). My son is now very vulnerable, because his boundaries were somehow shattered. I have to help him rebuild them, and help him understand what happened.

I am just so glad he is not a teenager. I know things will change as he grows. I still have many years during which he praises parents more than friends smile. He is strong willed and assertive. It will not be easy for me to over shield him as a teenager. So, my groundwork has to be now.


Originally Posted By: Jim1961
One suggestion, which is more from my perspective as a dad and not about my mother (which is a good thing for this conversation).

Don't over protect him. He is a boy, and as he grows he will need to find his own way. Make his own friends, etc. My wife has trouble with this concept, and our son is 18! Lol.

So you do sound like a wonderful mom, but please don't use this terrible experience to try to shield him from life. He needs to grow up, and experience life.

Jimmy



Top
#384511 - 02/05/12 10:54 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Pat8,

Lee's comments were excellent. I would also note, sometimes once a boy has been abused, he is more likely to be abused again. Also, remember, biological parents abuse also. I say this only so that you don't inadvertently suggest to your son that there are some people you don't want to know, or won't believe, abuse him.

Sometimes they are abused again because a predator knows of the original abuse and knows the child is now even more confused and unsure and takes advantage of this. I'm here for a friend, and he was abused by his biological parent at an early age and a babysitter at about 10. He's always suspected the parent suggested the idea to the sitter.

Best wishes,
D.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#384518 - 02/05/12 11:06 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, about therapists. My friend saw a very bad therapist as a child, who told him he was very bad, or words to that effect.

Also, as an adult, he's been seeing therapists for at least 4 years that I know of. He changed therapists last year to get one more familiar with the kinds of problems he has.

So, therapists are definitely not one size fits all.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#384524 - 02/05/12 11:32 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Disappointed]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Pat8,
not sure that I have some additional advice but just keep being good mother as you already are would be enough. Your son needs to feel love and to feel as every other child. As small boy he is living in his own world with super speed dynamics. Maybe in his own mind he has already moved from that bad experience. Sometimes is much harder for adults to adopt and to heal. He needs to feel same as others: as small boy who is discovering world...
There will be moments when you'll wonder is your son protected, is he in safe hands, what is going in his mind etc. If you would feel like that just give him hug and tell him that you love him. Don't overreact and try to avoid being too worry. Don't let your fears drives you later in your life. You also need to be and feel like everyday usual mum smile...
In long term your son needs to learn to be by his own, to trust his own judgments and not to be scared of world.
But it seems to me that you already gave him some lessons on that smile!
I just can say: bravo super mum smile!!!

_________________________
My story

Top
#384655 - 02/07/12 02:57 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: peroperic2009]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thank you D. and peroperic2009!


Top
#384924 - 02/08/12 02:06 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Gretta]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1138
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Jim how do you not over protect knowing everything we hear on this board? I use to be really laid back and thought this stuff happened somewhere else. I am a crazy woman know.


Sorry Gretta it took a while to get back to you on this question.

How do we protect our children from the world? Well, be present... be cautious... but don't be smothering.

Trust is a tough thing I know, and the unfortunate reality is that no matter what we (parents) do... bad things can still happen...

I think the risk though is if we are too overprotective then kids can fail to grow up, and handle situations on their own. They can learn to distrust EVERYONE. Do we want that for our kids???

It is a fine line, a tough balance. Give them enough space to grow up, yet stay engaged to watch out for them...

I will share what we have done for our kids. They are both teens now (13 yo girl, 18 yo boy). But first, for many reasons I won't go into here my wife knows nothing of the seksual abuse I suffered. But ironically she is WAY too overprotective (IMHO)...

Karate: We started both our kids in karate when they were 5. Our son is now a third degree Black Belt, and daughter is 1st degree. Karate is fantastic for teaching discipline, confidence and self-defense. My wife and I also take classes, and it is a great workout too! You can make it a family activity. Bottom line: I pity the foo that messes with either of our kids...lol

Organizations: We ensured that any group our kids join (with adult involvement) has a good youth protection policy. Our son is involved in Boy Scouts (just got his Eagle) and both of our kids are involved with the youth groups at our church (Catholic Parrish). I have to say that the media SLAMS both groups, but I sure feel safe with them involved with either and I appreciate the good moral teachings (the culture war is not lost yet...).

Finally, I did my best to make sure it was safe for our kids to express themselves. I grew up where my emotions did not matter, and it lead to keeping secrets... which puts kids at HIGH RISK. Keep the communications open, even when they hit puberty (which is not easy as a parent!)..

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#384942 - 02/08/12 04:27 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Jim1961]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Stellar advice, Jim!

Your kids are so lucky to have such good parents!

I love that you've empowered them with karate skills. I bet they are confident and proud knowing they can protect themselves AND others, if need be. And Scouts is awesome, as is the youth group activity (LifeTeen?). You've got all bases covered! Good for you!!!

Thanks for this!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#385080 - 02/09/12 09:17 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 51
Praising your son for telling you, re-affirming that he is safe, and you love him. Casual and spontaneous physical hugs by mother and father (with each other and with son) might also help provide demonstrations of healthy touch.

Top
#385095 - 02/09/12 11:02 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pat8
... "my body belongs to me."...


pat8,

What you said to your son (posted above) is prefect in my mind.

Bravo to your son for speaking up. I was quiet for 45 years even through my dads death. I have struggled with the question "why did I not tell." - urgh

Your son has a great mom.

Peace,
Avery



Edited by Avery46 (02/09/12 11:06 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#385129 - 02/10/12 03:48 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pat

Sorry for the pain, and sorry for your son too.

You have already won most of the challenge. You believed him, you love him, he trusts you.

What can you do
Love him, believe him, trust him, hug him, love him, love him, love him. Become a little overprotective and ...... Love him.

I did not get the love I felt I needed at home so I went in search of attention and, well found the wrong type.

You also now need to be really open and honest about sex, when the questions come up. Don't force it down his throat, but rather when he enquires. Problem is that he has had sexual experience beyond his years so this will confuse him.
Watch him to ensure that he does not display prematurely advanced sexual behaviour. Watch that he does not rub himself excessively or himself on others excessively. And be loving and firm when you tell him that this is not how things are done.

And one more thing, hug him and love him.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#385193 - 02/10/12 05:33 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
pat,
.
I love the advice you have gotten. Jim has given great advice about having family events such as lessons. Physical lessons are great. Musical lessons are great as well.

I had an overprotective mother - (note: she needed to keep a lid on my emotions or I would have told, lol) - and one way to NOT be overprotected is in your language or the way you speak to you son. As a great mom, you might already be doing this. Ask him questions instead of tell him how he feels. Ask him about his day. Don't send him to his room as a punishment. Use positive words and never negative words.

I apologize if I have stepped on your toes as you might already do these wonderful things.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#385208 - 02/10/12 07:51 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
What whome said:

YES<YES<YES!!!!!!

ALL of the above

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.