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#384400 - 02/05/12 01:32 AM How could you mother have helped you?
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
My son is 6yo and was sexually abused recently. He disclosed to me in detail. I was calm and told him that it was all the perp's fault. I asked him to repeat with me firm and loud "my body belongs to me." I told him that if I saw the perp I would kill him. He was happy and relieved. He is seeing a therapist.

My question is for the male survivors. What do you wish your mother did for you if you had told her you were abused when the abuse happened? What could she have done to make things better, to make all the difference for you? What would make your pain that you have been carrying reduce?

I will do anything, anything at all to help my child. Please help me be there for him.


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#384403 - 02/05/12 01:48 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Pat,
I am so sorry. What a brave wonderful little boy you have. It's must have been something for him to come and tell you. My husband had only wished his mom had protected him. He didn't feel like he could talk to his mom so you are already doing something right because he opened up to you. I wish you the best.
Gretta


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#384404 - 02/05/12 01:54 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Gretta]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Gretta. I am very glad he did. I found out because he confronted the perp in front of everybody.

But now, it is all in my hands. I know I have a long road and I want to do anything possible to help him.

I am sorry about your husband. I am glad that he has you.


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#384425 - 02/05/12 06:59 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
WOW, Pat - what a question! It is WONDERFUL that you're asking! But Iím so sorry that you need to!!!

I was abused from age 5 1/2 to 15 in at least 7 settings with the active or passive participation of at least 12 different males from both family and "friends" as well as strangers. The most difficult to deal with was my step-father because there was no escape. If my mother had protected me we might have had to leave the home. But that might have also prevented the other events.

But I wish she had been willing to face what was happening - YOU are doing that - Well done!

I wish she had been aware of why i was not acting normal and that she had started asking questions - YOU are doing that - Good!

I wish she had listened to me and believed me - YOU have done that - Excellent!

I wish she had been willing to confront the perps and make them accountable - I guess your son started that (AMAZINGLY BRAVE KID, BTW!!!) and I don't know if you can follow through on that or not?

I wish my mom had made sure I was safe when i left the house. I was repeatedly in unsafe situations that *should* have been ok - school, scouts, pool, Y and yet the adults that *should* have been responsible turned a blind eye. It is really hard to protect kids outside the home without making your son paranoid or locking him up "for his own good." But you can take reasonable precautions.

I wish she had gotten me professional help - a good therapist - the rest of my life might have been much better. If you can do that - GO FOR IT!

I wish she had jsut loved and affirmed and accepted me as i was - imperfect and wounded - instead of transferring all her loyalty to her husband and deserting me.

YOU CAN GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LAVISHLY! And it sounds like you do.

Your little boy is incredibly fortunate and blessed to have you as a mom and he will be OK because you are asking the right questions and doing the right things!

Respectfully,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384431 - 02/05/12 09:14 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: pat8
My son is 6yo and was sexually abused recently. He disclosed to me in detail. I was calm and told him that it was all the perp's fault. I asked him to repeat with me firm and loud "my body belongs to me." I told him that if I saw the perp I would kill him. He was happy and relieved. He is seeing a therapist.

My question is for the male survivors. What do you wish your mother did for you if you had told her you were abused when the abuse happened? What could she have done to make things better, to make all the difference for you? What would make your pain that you have been carrying reduce?

I will do anything, anything at all to help my child. Please help me be there for him.




Pat8, your son has got the mom he needs. He can't get any better. Brave kid. I'm very sorry. As far as your question, a mom like you and a dad 100% opposite of mine. Keep it up. Some parents want medals for doing the right thing for their kids. You sound nothing like those parents. He's lucky he has a mom like you. The medal for a parent is a grown up kid that makes them proud.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#384443 - 02/05/12 11:11 AM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: phoenix321]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
What Phoenix said!

God bless your sweet, brave boy! You've done a terrific job with him, and I don't doubt he's going to be okay because of YOU!

Godspeed!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384452 - 02/05/12 01:49 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: herowannabe]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1154
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
One suggestion, which is more from my perspective as a dad and not about my mother (which is a good thing for this conversation).

Don't over protect him. He is a boy, and as he grows he will need to find his own way. Make his own friends, etc. My wife has trouble with this concept, and our son is 18! Lol.

So you do sound like a wonderful mom, but please don't use this terrible experience to try to shield him from life. He needs to grow up, and experience life.

Jimmy

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#384495 - 02/05/12 09:19 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: Jim1961]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Jim how do you not over protect knowing everything we hear on this board? I use to be really laid back and thought this stuff happened somewhere else. I am a crazy woman know.


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#384501 - 02/05/12 09:51 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: traveler]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thank you, Lee.

I am watching my son closely. I will not let my guards down. I will follow your advice. It will take a while for him to fully understand what happened, but I will keep teaching him how to protect himself too.

I can't do much against the perp as he lives in another country, and it happened there while I was on vacation. But I will do what I can from here. The legal system does not help me, but I know he is being held accountable, and is shamed and ostracized by my family (he is an extended family member).

Originally Posted By: traveler
WOW, Pat - what a question! It is WONDERFUL that you're asking! But Iím so sorry that you need to!!!

I was abused from age 5 1/2 to 15 in at least 7 settings with the active or passive participation of at least 12 different males from both family and "friends" as well as strangers. The most difficult to deal with was my step-father because there was no escape. If my mother had protected me we might have had to leave the home. But that might have also prevented the other events.

But I wish she had been willing to face what was happening - YOU are doing that - Well done!

I wish she had been aware of why i was not acting normal and that she had started asking questions - YOU are doing that - Good!

I wish she had listened to me and believed me - YOU have done that - Excellent!

I wish she had been willing to confront the perps and make them accountable - I guess your son started that (AMAZINGLY BRAVE KID, BTW!!!) and I don't know if you can follow through on that or not?

I wish my mom had made sure I was safe when i left the house. I was repeatedly in unsafe situations that *should* have been ok - school, scouts, pool, Y and yet the adults that *should* have been responsible turned a blind eye. It is really hard to protect kids outside the home without making your son paranoid or locking him up "for his own good." But you can take reasonable precautions.

I wish she had gotten me professional help - a good therapist - the rest of my life might have been much better. If you can do that - GO FOR IT!

I wish she had jsut loved and affirmed and accepted me as i was - imperfect and wounded - instead of transferring all her loyalty to her husband and deserting me.

YOU CAN GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LAVISHLY! And it sounds like you do.

Your little boy is incredibly fortunate and blessed to have you as a mom and he will be OK because you are asking the right questions and doing the right things!

Respectfully,
Lee



Top
#384502 - 02/05/12 09:52 PM Re: How could you mother have helped you? [Re: pat8]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Phoenix and Herowannabe!


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