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#383927 - 01/31/12 12:06 PM SSA or Gay...
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1273
OK - let me get this straight (no pun intended)...

SSA is Same Sex Attraction, is often unwanted and experienced by straight guys.

GAY is same sex attraction, is often wanted and experienced by gay guys.

So when I was being molested and I sort of learned to enjoy the stimulation, that was just SSA. Then when I finally launched out on my own and wanted to date girls but instead found myself in bed with guys, that was SSA because I really didn't want to be gay but I felt compelled to have older guys enjoy me - sort of like acting out my abuse. But because I was SSA, they were unaware they were scr*wing a straight boy.

And when I finally decided to stop wasting my emotional energy denying the strong SSA urges and instead decided to embrace them and concentrate on other things in my life, at that point I became gay - by choice, right?

But being gay was a choice all along, and if I had the will power, I could have just been straight with SSA instead.

And if I still find girls attractive but have embraced my SSA, then that means I am gay with OSA (opposite sex attraction)? And if I act on that attraction but remain true to my gay identity, then I stay "gay", but if I don't, then I become straight with SSA again?

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#383929 - 01/31/12 12:24 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: Chase Eric]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 723
Loc: NJ
Ill share just a little before it gets crazy in here, and it will.

I met a guy last year at an event...he didnt care if it was a man or woman for his next relationship...what he did know was that he wanted a genuine relationship with a connection and intamacy.

The issues you ask and bring to the table aredeeply complicated...you figure it out, lots of guys would be very thankful.

Sex and intamacy were complexly fucked and rewired in our brains.

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#383930 - 01/31/12 12:32 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: Chase Eric]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
So when I was being molested and I sort of learned to enjoy the stimulation, that was just SSA. Then when I finally launched out on my own and wanted to date girls but instead found myself in bed with guys, that was SSA because I really didn't want to be gay but I felt compelled to have older guys enjoy me - sort of like acting out my abuse. But because I was SSA, they were unaware they were scr*wing a straight boy....


Chase Eric,

The above statement really struck a chord in me. The touch/stimulation we experienced as a child was the key moment I believe. The stimulation we had was a reaction to being touched. The reaction was ok. You (we) are not at fault for reacting.

What you wrote is wonderfully clear and precise. Thank you.

Peace,
Avery

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#383941 - 01/31/12 01:45 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: Avery46]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I think it might get crazy in here, too. This thread comes up repeatedly, its a REAL ISSUE, but often there are those who want to end this discussion out of their own discomfort with asking the questions that each of us has to answer, with help, but ultimately on his own.

Chase Eric, I give you credit for putting your questions and thoughts out there so clearly for others to see and relate to.

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Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
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#383946 - 01/31/12 02:16 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: Chase Eric]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
...when I was being molested and I sort of learned to enjoy the stimulation, that was just SSA. ....


eric, i don't see the molestation or stimulation related to same or opposite sex attraction at all. i understand being pleased by stimulation... what if that same pleasure simply came from an inanimate object. we'd call that i.o. attraction? i think that act, which was about unhealthy and mind-controlling games, could be separated from "relationship."

what i find amusing here too, and perhaps this really comes from just being tired and old on my approach to 50, but why is this being discussed? i'm not asking in an unkind way - for i think the answer to that question isn't so much about any of us individually, but is the result of "societal norms."

why isn't the goal about "finding a healthy relationship" that brings happiness and pleasure and is truly a mutual understanding of needs, desires, goals and support?

this, in my view, is possible with a guy or a girl, i.e. just another living, breathing human being. this isn't about gay or straight in my view. our mental health and happiness should be all that matters for the very short time we are alive -- and anything outside of that scope, i think, holds us back from celebrating those few short years called life.







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Jeff

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#383950 - 01/31/12 02:56 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: westchesterguy]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
WCG hit the nail on the head.
Why discuss this subject all the time, for that matter why do we have all these labels for things. SSA GAY, BI, Hetro.

What the ultimate goal should be is AM I HAPPY, DO I ENJOY THIS RELATIONSHIP, AM I CONTENT.
Do we really need to squeeze everything into little boxes, is that when we will finally be happy, when all and sundry has a little stamp on his or her head, so we can fulfill our desire to understand everything?

HAPPINESS should be the only goal.
I desire for every victim to be in a happy, stable and loving relationship.

Simple right?

Heal well all
Martin

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#383963 - 01/31/12 04:07 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: whome]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
People discuss this for many valid reasons. They can be new, this can be a developing area of their healing, they can questioning it for the first time, it can be the biggest problem area of their life so it should be encouraged to be discussed openly with the ultimate goal being personal happiness but not avoiding it because it makes others uncomfortable.

Maybe there should be one separate area for this incredibly valid, important, vital and extremely integrated issue
especially for male CSA survivors. It doesn't come up to offend anyone and many people who do bring it up are shamed from discussing it.

Bring it out into the open and air it out. I did and my views have changed so much in the past 6 months. My mind is so much more open and that is because I discussed it, was affirmed, made mistakes, talked about it with a therapist, read other sources, read posts on here about what other men went through that I did not and worked on identification with others and eventually getting to the understanding that every one of us has a different experience and no one is an expert on anyone but himself ultimately.

The only reason to avoid this subject is --- actually, I couldn't come up with a reason because there isn't one.

I feel like telling people that they should just find a partner and be happy, well, IMO there is an element of saying "just get over it" and that's not meant to offend anyone because I wasn't offended by any posts. To get over it, one has to work through it.

This is a vital area of healing so of course this issue will come up again and again. Good for those who are willing to honestly say whatever their experience is.

I agree labels are constrictive but survivors need to work that out for themselves and they need a forum where they are free to do so. This should be that forum (added: I mean this entire board is the place to discuss it with the understanding that there is a specific forum for sexuality issues that might be the best fit for this but, IMO, its okay here, too.)



Edited by EdfromNYC (01/31/12 05:59 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383965 - 01/31/12 05:25 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: EdfromNYC]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
.... it can be the biggest problem area of their life so it should be encouraged to be discussed openly with the ultimate goal being personal happiness but not avoiding it because it makes others uncomfortable.


hi ed. why am i not hearing/reading "why" gay or same-sex attraction becomes the biggest problem area.

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Jeff

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#383966 - 01/31/12 05:52 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: westchesterguy]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I didn't say it is the biggest area but it can, at times, be the biggest area to be addressed just like anxiety, fear of rejection, shame, etc and many other areas common to abuse survivors.

Sexuality and orientation issues, at times, are the biggest and most important areas for a survivor to deal with. Every sex abuse book has at least a chapter on orientation/sexuality, there is a forum on here on sexuality, there is a sex Doc forum so this is not a taboo subject on here. It seeps into almost everything.



Edited by EdfromNYC (01/31/12 05:56 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383969 - 01/31/12 06:05 PM Re: SSA or Gay... [Re: EdfromNYC]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
.. Sexuality and orientation issues, at times, are the biggest and most important areas for a survivor to deal with.


why?

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Jeff

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