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#384127 - 02/02/12 11:43 AM Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone
trust123 Offline


Registered: 02/02/12
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
i guess i will just # all my questions with in the story....

I cant stop crying reeding this post. I just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years (who has been loving accepting, caring..and i love him very much) was molested by a teacher when he was only 5 years old. at 28 y/o he is unable to speak about. The worse part is that he then molested and raped his own sister when he was 13 y/o and until 17.... His sister was only 8 and abuse stopped when she was 12 (so when on for 4 long painful years).
1) i am ignorant about this topic but i think a 13y/o and i know a 17 y/o knows what he was doing? sorry i am so angry, so disappointed, literally my stomach turns.
He said it started like a game, like sexual exploration and gradually turned into imitating porn and eventually rape because she would cry and ask him to stop =.( He then moved out to go to college and came back to asked for her forgiveness at age 18 after lots of prayer, remorse, guilt, and what appears to be a period of depression he asked for her forgiveness. he claim to me that his sister forgave him years ago, when she was 13 and "they moved on". I m not sure about sister but this is clearly is not truth for him since he completely broke down when disclosing and has been:

-sexing with girls from his past and confessed he actually had intent have sexual encounter with one of them 10 days after our engagement (he said he did not do it because of fear of giving me an STD and hurting my feelings)
2) could/has this turn into an addiction of some kind? is this "normal" behavior for guys just to boost his ego?

-unable to openly communicate feelings with me for most of our relationship. which completely changed in last 3 days since he told me..... like day and night..... probably out of fear of losing me. he said he fears he will end up alone due to this...

-does not show much range of emotions...

-says he looks at porn (very adult porn, just sex, no kids) 2x weekly
3) will/has this turn into an addiction of some kind?

His family seam so "normal" and healthy. i have gone on vacations with them and would not imagine in a million years anything like this went on. aside from birthday cards, normal communication in facebook. last week his sister send him a msg saying "God loves you and i do too big bro". i don't understand... i guess it is possible that she forgave him long ago...

He did not have to tell me, i would have never found out since his family is so good at keeping secrets but he wants to marry me and wanted to be honest with me.
I immediately got him a therapist and he stated weekly sessions and will do EMDR. He is willing and appreciative of my support and regrets not having reached out for help sooner.
4)is EMDR a good therapy approach?

5) I am i just overreacting?
6) in all honesty my biggest fear is if he could do it again if we were to have children. is that likely to happen?


this is so confusing b/c he is a victim but he is also a perpetrator.
it started as exploration but turn violent.

7) are there any books that can help me cope with this? thanks....

i feel empty and confused....
=(


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#384138 - 02/02/12 01:23 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: trust123]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Trust,
so many difficult questions and so many problems in just one post. I hope that you'll find some answers here at MS, welcome! I would like more that you don't need to know things that you asked but life is so difficult sometimes...
Every one of us is complete different person and based on my limited experience I wouldn't have answer for some of your questions. But I'll try. Firstly let me tell you that I was molested by other boys when I was 5 year old boy, my twin brother too. Afterwards we went with stuff between us. And I'm shamed to say but that twisted relationship lasted till early college days. We really started everything like some sort of play. We were aware that we are doing something wrong. And with time those activities become very compulsive and hard to control. We felt against it but usually couldn't stop ourselves. We needed huge amount of work and time to get in control of our behavior and to get some healing.
Me and brother used to have (and still have it) many scars because of that. So my story is one let say example how innocent kids were tracked into something terrible wrong. It was so wild that later we couldn't control it. This kind of behavior is usually connected with traumatic experience. Somehow our brains were looking for repetition of traumatic experience with aim to resolve traumatic scars. Sometimes people make bond based on trauma and in many cases than compulsion drives relationship. For those involved in that kind of relationship common sense is out of control and simple logic and reasoning is not functioning all time. So although that 17 year old boy knew that he is doing something terrible wrong he wasn't able to control his behavior.
Regarding your observation it is hard for me to imagine that both of them survived all without heavy scars. If you'll read some stories here you would see that many of us are having some kind of problems many many years after. For that reason it would be great that both of them start some therapy as soon as possible.
The fact that your boyfriend told you about their experience is sign that he has huge trust in you.
Overall you are not overreacting, all this stuff is quite burden and there could be time when you could have some difficulties related to for example heavy drinking, drugs use, sex addictions and etc. Those kind of addictions could happen to survivor more often than to someone who wasn't abused.
Here is link for some myths related to abused men: http://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.html read it maybe you'll find also some answers.
For books many here are saying that "Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse" is one of greatest but I also need to read it. I don't have neither experience with EMDR but some gays here were very satisfied, by that therapy they gained some lost memory because of traumatic experience.
I hope that I gave you some answers at least.
Be well and look further for your answers!!!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#384142 - 02/02/12 01:57 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: trust123]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
recommend checking out:
Intimacy Anorexia --- Doug Weiss --- Colorado Springs, CO
you can google it.

it will answer lots of questions.
they have free online test for intimacy anorexia.
common theme is -- prior abuse --- porn addiction

its all in a package together ---- you can't pick and choose what to deal with. it all comes together.

you are both brave to face this before marriage.


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#384143 - 02/02/12 02:01 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: trust123]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((Trust 123))),

Welcome, sweet one!

I am at a doctor appointment and only have my phone, so I can give you the attention you deserve till later.

But, I didn't want to hesitate in welcoming you and in reassuring you that you will find help and support in F& Fs.


Hugs!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384145 - 02/02/12 02:55 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Trust
Sorry for your pain. You are right to seek out help at this point.
There are a lot of questions and there are also answers.
1st Your man came and told you all of this out of his own need?
This is truly amazing, this means that he respects and trusts you, So score one for you.
It worries me a little that the abuse that he involved his sister in went on for such a long time, but as Pero says it can get a little crazy for the Survivor.

The main thing is that he has not perpetrated with any other children since?
The biggest steps now are that he continues to go for therapy, and that you get yourself into a program like CODA or Al-Anon. These wonderful people will help you and support you, trust me you will need it.
Porn addiction Alcoholism and drug addiction are really all part of the survivors self defence program, but truth is that these are very destructive addictions.

Take a deep breath, and calm down. You have been hit by a freight train and are understandably hurt and confused.

Read a little, love yourself a lot and all the wonderful people here will help you over the next months.
PS. Don't be put of if certain people tell you bad stuff or say horrible things, you only need to accept the good things.
We all hurt, some of our hurt is just a little harder to get over.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384152 - 02/02/12 03:40 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I'm reading evicting the perpetrator and I read something else that distinguishes between adolescent perps and adult perp's. A great percentage of adolescent perps DO NOT abuse others as adults. Like whome says, I'd ask. I'd also check, I'd be cautious (I'm that way with EvERYONE regardless of perceived or known background) but know that they are different. I totally understand your confusion because my rage at my husbands abuses centers around how old his perp was when it stopped in addition to when it began.

He shared w you. He thought of you and realized that by acting out like he wanted to, he could harm u (body and soul). What a phenomenal and precious gift. When things get hard, remember that.

You did so many things right! He is fortunate to have someone who thinks the way you do. I'm reading more about EDMR and it sounds like it works for many trauma sufferers .

The secrecy normally associated with CsA breeds the shame that fuels a horrible cycle of self destructive behaviors. Your future husband threw the covers back and exposed the horribleness to the light and I am floored and encouraged by that.

The porn, the fantasizing about acting out can Allbe addressed w therapy. Get yourself one too. Make sure he or she specializes in CSA. You will need a safe place to process.

I'm sorry you are here but welcome. PM me anytime.



Edited by GoodHope (02/02/12 03:42 PM)
Edit Reason: Typo
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#384200 - 02/03/12 12:33 AM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: trust123]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Trust123!

On to your questions:

1) i am ignorant about this topic but i think a 13y/o and i know a 17 y/o knows what he was doing?

I believe that most victims of CSA pretty much stop normal development at the point they are sexually abused. Though a 17year-old who's been raised in a healthy environment would certainly possess the emotional and mental maturity required to discern the appropriateness of sexual interactions, a 17-year-old who has suffered sexual abuse is a greatly impaired child. Because you only know how to process this with a healthy, unsexualized mind, you can't begin to understand how a sexualized and abused 17-year-old processes the same. You'll lose your marbles attempting to make sense of it.

2) could/has this turn into an addiction of some kind? is this "normal" behavior for guys just to boost his ego?

No, this is not normal (healthy and productive) behavior for guys. With or without a penis, we are all human beings, who ideally, have learned right from wrong, truth from lie, deceit from honesty. Your beloved learned enough to apologize and ask forgiveness of his sister (good!) and to not expose you to possible STDs, and loves and respects you enough to resist acting out against you, BUT, his emotional and mental maturity is likely not firing on all six cylinders. Addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, prostitutes, masturbation, porn, etc.) are common aftereffects of CSA, though certainly they are not a certainty. Because your sweetheart likely suffered developmental deficiencies, he needs to get in therapy with a counselor who specializes in CSA. Unless he learns where he might be deficient, it's very possible he will fall into addictions/disorders in a subconscious effort to cope and feel in control and to anesthesize the gnawing feeling that something in him/his world is not "right".

says he looks at porn (very adult porn, just sex, no kids) 2x weekly
3) will/has this turn into an addiction of some kind?

Porn is an extremely addictive tool used by those who are missing something real. Many hurting boys grow into men who have learned to hide their sexual feelings and needs as those feelings enflame the misplaced shame they carry. Many of them confuse love and intimacy with sex. Porn is oftentimes a gateway drug, which can lead to compulsive masturbation, engaging in illegal activities (prostitution, voyeurism, adultery, etc.). Nothing good and healthy will come from using porn. Nothing. Only bad. He needs to discuss this with a therapist. Do not, for your own sake, accept his use of porn. It is very real infidelity to you, his life partner!

He did not have to tell me, i would have never found out since his family is so good at keeping secrets but he wants to marry me and wanted to be honest with me.

That honesty from him is HUGE! You've got a good guy there, but you both must get some counseling. He has some healing and growing to do, and you must understand the mechanics of the damage that's been done to him.

I immediately got him a therapist and he stated weekly sessions and will do EMDR. He is willing and appreciative of my support and regrets not having reached out for help sooner.

EXCELLENT! Don't give it up! Keep going and keep on learning! You are his most valuable help in all he has to overcome!

4)is EMDR a good therapy approach?

I'm ignorant on the topic. You might PM Pufferfish. I believe he has used EMDR, though I'm not certain of that. You could also do a search of EMDR here at MS and read the posts that come up.

5) I am i just overreacting?

ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are wise beyond your years! Know that what you are tempted to brush off as "history" will most certainly come to you in the future. Take care of it now!

6) in all honesty my biggest fear is if he could do it again if we were to have children. is that likely to happen?

That's a valid concern, however, most survivors of CSA do NOT go on to abuse children. Sadly, a lot of them tend to "over compensate" for that commonly-held notion (that victims go on to victimize) and find they aren't able to even show physical affection for their own babies. Again, counseling will be of monumental help to you both, and your future babies will benefit from your work together! You'll be great parents, and he'll be a wonderful father, with good recovery.

7) are there any books that can help me cope with this? thanks....

There is a post in F & F's on reading resources...I'm clueless as to how to put a link here for it...sorry! On the homepage there is a reading list also. A Google or Amazon search should provide lots of suggestions, as can your counselor.

As overwhelming as life is for you right now, know that in reality, you are exceptionally lucky that your beloved confided his traumatic past to you. Sometimes, survivors can't be forthcoming about their pasts before making a lifetime committment because they've buried it too deep to be remembered, or they simply assume it's all in the past, and doesn't warrant being brought up, or they are too filled with misplaced shame to speak the words. Years after the "I do", those marriages can be rocked by the survivor's sudden depression, acting out, addiction(s), nightmares, and a whole host of uglies! You are aware now, and can take steps to circumvent future disasters!

Keep posting! There's lots of knowledge here- all free for the taking!

Sending you wishes for wisdom and peace!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384219 - 02/03/12 10:10 AM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: herowannabe]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
I disagree with some stuff above, but not gonna get into a pissing match over it, but one point specifically I'd like to add on.

Those people who have "reactionary abuse" in their past or "offending survivors" dont really have the right to ask for forgiveness...If a survivor wants to forgive, thats one thing, but a perp should not ask for "forgiveness".

You can search or read about this and more...or talk to a T that sees both offenders and survivors.


Edited to add: Watching porn is not bad and evil. Like any coping mechanism too much can be bad, and some people do become addicted to it...but blanketly saying all porn in bad, is just not right...and not everybody believes that some porn viewing constitutes infedelity...and there are plenty of couples who view porn together...Its based on a person and situation not such generalities...and can be/should be discussed at T as to whats healthy for him and whats not healthy.



Edited by Castle (02/03/12 10:31 AM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#384253 - 02/03/12 04:40 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Castle]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Trust
I remember coming here months ago and what I thought I knew was only the tip of the iceberg.

My husband was such a good liar and was so good at putting up a facade that I didn't have a clue how sick he was until it all came out and it came out over time.

I can only talk from my experiences and porn for my husband was a clear sign of his addiction and sickness. He would sit down with the intention of only watching porn for 15 mintues and when he was done it was 2 hours. He masturbated alot. They are both things that he has had to stop. Not at my request. I really didn't even understand at the time why he had to stop, because I didn't understand to what extreme he had taken both to.

He hired a prositute a month for what I can guess 2-3 years. He said he would swear after each one that was his last. He made some really bad decisions.

The up side is that I have never seen anyone work harder to get better in my life. There were many dark nights and days. The abuse was not an excuse for the bad behavior but he has worked really hard to be a better person.

Today he is a happier person than he has ever been in his entire life. He's still dealing with the abuse and breaking my heart. The abuse has come out in spurts with memories and I am worried that at the end of this he may have abused someone himself.

Good luck in your journey. I think the best advice that I have gotten from the men and women here is that I needed to take care of myself and that I couldn't fix my husband he had to do the hard work himself. I am working on being healthy and strong and getting rid of my codependent ways. I have been supportive and I have listened alot but he has done the real work and it has paid off.


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#384522 - 02/05/12 11:28 PM Re: Help,my bf abused&abuser as child.I feel so alone [Re: Gretta]
trust123 Offline


Registered: 02/02/12
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate so many people taking the time to answer my post.

I am struggling with so many though that i really did forget to take care of me. I lost about 6 pounds in the last week and thats not ok. I have missed work, got an expensive ticket, stayed in bed for 2 days....

I have been contemplating leaving the relationship =(
I don't know if my mind and body can handle this journey. I am angry that he did not take care of this somehow maybe therapy, before getting into an engagement. My therapist said this must be treated like an addiction with relapses, lies, etc.. i dont know if i can handle that.

I know the honesty is a + and the love is another + and he improved communication from night to day + and 7 days of doing all assigned hw by therapist is also a +..........Maybe i need more time to think this through... but now focusing on me instead of him and what i need to do to "fix" him.
I want to be there for him because i love him but i cant marry him without trust. his trauma is not an excused for cheating (in my opinion sexting and intent to have sex is cheating).....


again thank you guys for taking the time to answer my post! I dont feel so alone anymore =)


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