you were so brave to tell us all this.
My hat's off to you!!!
Don't be harsh to yourself and please don't blame yourself. You couldn't do nothing, you were triggered at that time and because of your traumatic experience you were involved into something unwonted. It is same compulsive behavior that happened repetitively to many of us and many times
I'm very proud that you find words to express your self.
Congratulation for your strength and courage.
You are great and you deserve only best from life, don't you ever forget that!