Sorry you had to come here but welcome to MS. You'll do good here.
I still have my birth parents and like you have never been touched, hugged or kissed by them. I was sort of their ticket into middle class American society. They needed that house, car, dog and 1 child. I was it. I think that the dog did better because they used to walk him and play with him. I also cringe but only when I don't see it coming. That doesn't mean that someone can hug me but rather like you shaking hands is the borderline. I don't know what abuse you went through whether it was bad or like me I wanted that person to touch me and hold, hug and kiss me. He was like a real father but to keep him I had to let him pimp me for the next 5 years when I was 13. Sick but that last 40+ years has been very lonely. I do have a family but all friends are really only acquaintances. I was never able to get close to anyone. even my wife of 35 years only found out 4 months ago what happened to me.
I have benefited so much from being here you will also. They guys here are "all" great.
Peace and heal well
(((Jeff))) I'm so sorry.
My sperm donor had kids for a similar reason---to make it look good to cover up all his cheating and evil.
Having a male role model, ie father and other men, is very important for boys. I see men on MS and others I've met over the years as the exception to the rule.
No offense to any man here but my sperm donor and bullies throughout school has led me to hate men in general and generalize all of them until they prove they weren't the same. That's in-person. I see all men as uncaring, abusive, cheaters, prone to violence, hateful, couldn't give a shit, women serve them, hypocritical, self-centered, unemotional, etc. There is no trust of the male species here 99% of the time. I had one male therapist and had inside hostility from the beginning. He screwed up royally 2nd session so it kept the idealization intact. He really did screw up. I found women the opposite. Lot of women I met have the same idea of men based on their upbringing.
And, saw women superior to men emotionally. I think most people (the majority) see this as true. I'd say 90% of the women I met think this is true. I'd say the teachers (90% women), the churches we went to (80% women), doctors (the women seemed to care--the men, nope, take the pill and you'll be fine), etc.
My sperm donor I have no use for at all. My mom during teen years got better. Saw more of what went on. However, still no excuse for her when we couldn't defend ourselves as little kids. She made every excuse in the book for him. Sometimes I hate and sometimes I don't. She had an out--great parents. If she had lousy parents, I would think that way. Is that wrong to think that way? I don't know. In nature, we don't see too many mothers not protect their young.
On-line is somewhat different. I can leave that situation anytime without much consequence. You find out quick who can be trusted (our version of trust is very little) and who can't.
Jeff, as far as the pedo question, I don't see how pedos aren't guilty of murder considering how many kids they destroy. You ask that question because you're protecting your pedo to a point. Ask yourself, why does he need protecting? Be sure to consider he pimped you out. Would you feel the same way about a pimp on the street?
A lot of hugs to everyone of this thread. What happened to all of us wasn't fair and was terribly wrong. Peace.