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#384246 - 02/03/12 03:55 PM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: phoenix321]
livelovelaugh Offline


Registered: 01/13/12
Posts: 34
Loc: New Jersey
I have been dealing with this all week. I recently started trying to reconnwct with my inner child to find the root of my current addictions and desexualized approach to relationships and found that beyond my abuser I was never hugged or held closely or tightly in any way by a family or friend that felt genuine and loving. It was always for doing something good or when I was thanking someone for a gift, etc. I have begun to realize that my copingechanisms of turning to erotica stories and porn is in part because I associated love with the sense of happiness I felt with my abuser for hugging me, holding me, etc. when no one else in my childhood did. I know now that this type of touch was not real love, but to a kid who never really got love, I can understand why my inner child feels the need to return to this when I am feeling angry, stressed, alone, scared, anxious, or wjwn I have a nightmare. I came to this while trying to think of other more appropriate examples of good, genuone tpuch from ttisted people in my cbildhood, to help replace the negative with a positive and I couldnt. I honestly couldnt. It is starting to all make sense.

_________________________
"...and it was then that I carried you..."
Footprints in the Sand

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#384248 - 02/03/12 04:07 PM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: phoenix321]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1330
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 11:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#384254 - 02/03/12 04:46 PM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1330
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 11:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#384270 - 02/03/12 09:22 PM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: westchesterguy]
timetested Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
This speaks to me in so many ways. Like you, I am not my parent's biological child, and I never received any touching from them. I have never been hugged in my life, and the slightest hint of touch causes me to cringe. Friends of mine know that about me--they can shake my hand, but don't invade my personal space. The only touch I ever experienced relates to my abuse, which is why I recoil from any touch. It makes for a very lonely existence.


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#384282 - 02/04/12 01:55 AM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: lapchinj]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey phoenix,

The question is why life for under the age of 12 and 10-15 from ages 12-15. What is it that makes you give those numbers?

Jeff


Jeff,

No offense to you or anyone else that believes the got "love" from a pedo. Maybe it was just attention when nobody else did? Maybe, finally, somebody thinks I'm worth something? Family doesn't but this person does. I do believe there are some (very,very few) that CSA doesn't affect much at all. And, another very few never even know it happened for some reason.

If a survivor asks, "what did CSA cost me?" Look at a "normal" person and see the difference between what they have and what you have. I bet there is many differences. People that just have general child abuse can ask the same question. People that had both ask for both. I can go back and check off everything I missed. That's what makes me angry.

It's a start. If we look at age of consent laws, some are/have been as low as 15. Some people have gotten married at 14. Some earlier. That's way different than since it's marriage (is it?). Personally, if hell got pedos, I'd look the other way. Every person I've read about under 10-14 years old had a shitty existence. Look at MS for the carnage. If I person got help in their tweens/teens for the aftermath, those survivors are very, very lucky. It's the very, very few. Many on here didn't even deal with it till late 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. There are few therapists that deal with CSA so I'd bet the majority get no help at all. So, am I serious about life for pedos, yeah, I am gonna be a no exceptions guy.

When I watched Mystic River and saw Tim Robbins character whack a pedo he caught, I was rooting for the pedo getting tortured then killed. I saw Robbins' character as a hero. He did the right thing. I enjoyed watching the pedo die. Pedo deserved it. If society ain't gonna take this stuff serious, these vigilantes deserved to be left alone. I know it's a movie though it has happened in real life.

The way you describe this guy is a classic pedo. The do all those nice things to get into kids pants. Look at Micheal Jackson's deal. He was in pedo paradise. I mean no offense to you at all. He deserves in hell with mine. It's not love but an illusion. He's just the only one who gave you attention then took your soul.

A kid deserves attention with NO payment for that caring. Maybe your pedo genuinely cared about you and he couldn't control himself. I'm sure that happens. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Peace.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#384284 - 02/04/12 02:29 AM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: livelovelaugh]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: livelovelaugh
I have been dealing with this all week. I recently started trying to reconnwct with my inner child to find the root of my current addictions and desexualized approach to relationships and found that beyond my abuser I was never hugged or held closely or tightly in any way by a family or friend that felt genuine and loving. It was always for doing something good or when I was thanking someone for a gift, etc. I have begun to realize that my copingechanisms of turning to erotica stories and porn is in part because I associated love with the sense of happiness I felt with my abuser for hugging me, holding me, etc. when no one else in my childhood did. I know now that this type of touch was not real love, but to a kid who never really got love, I can understand why my inner child feels the need to return to this when I am feeling angry, stressed, alone, scared, anxious, or wjwn I have a nightmare. I came to this while trying to think of other more appropriate examples of good, genuone tpuch from ttisted people in my cbildhood, to help replace the negative with a positive and I couldnt. I honestly couldnt. It is starting to all make sense.


That makes a ton of sense. It's why my mom's hugs and so forth mean nothing to me. I don't remember them anyway. I remember I was totally on my own from very young up. Her concern was for my sperm donor's happiness. Her kid went through hell but it was his importance. I don't think kids aren't fully aware they don't count when it comes to a parent(s) with such warped thinking. Why wouldn't I remember it at all? Because it was not a loving childhood. I just have flashbacks really

Again, she literally had that perfect childhood. Her adopted parents never raised their voice, hit, slapped in the face, etc. with her or her brother. Mom made every excuse in the book for my sperm donor's behaviour. It was satan, he has a hard day at work, you kids are bad., etc, etc. Then she made excuses for her abstinence in not giving a shit when it really counted.

My brother was abused (not CSA) too but no where near the way I was. I took the brunt. He allowed other kids to bully me. He'd say he had no brother and shit like that. When he did that, I no longer had any use for him. He had friends and so forth. If he didn't, he thought I should spend all my time with him. He was also mom's favorite. He was also my sperm donor's favorite. He thought he was better than me. Today he's mister perfect. He won't get married because all the women aren't religious enough or "hoes". Haha.

Jeff and Livelovelaugh, positive examples of good, genuine touch, caring, etc. The only examples I know or knew of was other kids. I still ask today when I have nothing why I was never good enough for anyone. In many ways I envy you and Jeff because you had a pedo that you believed cared about you. If that doesn't say how fucked up I am from the CSA and child abuse I had, I don't know what does.

All I ever did was just exist. There never was any living. I was never a part of the human race at all. I hate it.





Edited by phoenix321 (02/04/12 02:30 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#384288 - 02/04/12 03:13 AM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: phoenix321]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3669
Loc: South-East Europe
Phoenix,
when I've read your last post I've seen huge scream for love and touch. When we all come to world one of first things that we need to feel is human (actually mother's) touch. Because of that we as babes have to be put skin on skin to mothers immediately after we were born. Our first and strongest connection is rooted by touch. Touching is our first medium by whom we get warmth and love - things without we are not able to survive.
You asked: "I still ask today when I have nothing why I was never good enough for anyone."
Maybe at least part of answer could be that you simple didn't get enough love (and touching) by your parents. I'm talking about touching in very early childhood, time when you were baby.
I've read that this transfer of love is happening instinctively. Which means if we were hugged/touched as small children by someone who didn't felt loving to us; that kind of touch hasn't actually brought anything to child. It means that child touched by that way simply wouldn't get needed love no matter how many times being hugged or touched. For small children there's no place for false emotions! We as small unprotected and unconscious children were capable to recognize true emotions simple by plain touch. It is incredible gift of our ancestors. In animal world these laws are the same. This is our nature and every human's core.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so isolated.
Your post has inspired me for this talk, please don't mind if I'm completely wrong.
I'm sending you huge and warm hug!!!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#384291 - 02/04/12 05:22 AM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: peroperic2009]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
Phoenix,
when I've read your last post I've seen huge scream for love and touch. When we all come to world one of first things that we need to feel is human (actually mother's) touch. Because of that we as babes have to be put skin on skin to mothers immediately after we were born. Our first and strongest connection is rooted by touch. Touching is our first medium by whom we get warmth and love - things without we are not able to survive.
You asked: "I still ask today when I have nothing why I was never good enough for anyone."
Maybe at least part of answer could be that you simple didn't get enough love (and touching) by your parents. I'm talking about touching in very early childhood, time when you were baby.
I've read that this transfer of love is happening instinctively. Which means if we were hugged/touched as small children by someone who didn't felt loving to us; that kind of touch hasn't actually brought anything to child. It means that child touched by that way simply wouldn't get needed love no matter how many times being hugged or touched. For small children there's no place for false emotions! We as small unprotected and unconscious children were capable to recognize true emotions simple by plain touch. It is incredible gift of our ancestors. In animal world these laws are the same. This is our nature and every human's core.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so isolated.
Your post has inspired me for this talk, please don't mind if I'm completely wrong.
I'm sending you huge and warm hug!!!
Pero


Pero, thank you so much. All the stuff you said was right on. I never got the love as a child I needed. Something in me died the night I was raped at 3 1/2. Then the abusive household I was in did me no favors. Brother, biologic not anything else really, was born that night. I'm sure I thought I was abandoned and being punished somehow since my brother was born and all the attention went to him. The emotional abuse in the household was the worst part of it. I was yelled at as a baby by my sperm donor to shut up from what my mom said.

"'ve read that this transfer of love is happening instinctively. Which means if we were hugged/touched as small children by someone who didn't felt loving to us; that kind of touch hasn't actually brought anything to child. It means that child touched by that way simply wouldn't get needed love no matter how many times being hugged or touched. For small children there's no place for false emotions! We as small unprotected and unconscious children were capable to recognize true emotions simple by plain touch. It is incredible gift of our ancestors. In animal world these laws are the same. This is our nature and every human's core."

Makes a hell of a lot of sense. I'd have been better off raised by a momma bear than my parents. My mom doesn't really how she partook in all my sperm donor's evil. I'm sure she justifies all of it with religion (I spit on it). Spare the rod, spare the child crap.

You're right. Even if a kid gets attention, if they don't mean it and it's just a chore, they know. I did. Kindergarten teacher thought I was screwed up at 5. The CSA and had parents that should have never had kids. Mom would've been a good mom if she would have found a different husband I believe. She did know better like I said before.

I don't know what you went through, Pero, but sorry for what did happen in your life. frown A lot of hugs for you.

You asked: "I still ask today when I have nothing why I was never good enough for anyone."

Yeah, I believe that. Never found any reason to believe otherwise. Even if I didn't have this fatal illness, I still don't think that belief would ever change.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#384305 - 02/04/12 10:39 AM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: phoenix321]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3669
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Phoenix, hugs are being flying to all sides, so good feeling wink!
Brothers survivors and all other members of this site: let us give hand and hug to each other, we all need it smile!

_________________________
My story

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#384318 - 02/04/12 12:54 PM Re: Human Touch & Recovery from CSA [Re: peroperic2009]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
Hey Phoenix, hugs are being flying to all sides, so good feeling wink!
Brothers survivors and all other members of this site: let us give hand and hug to each other, we all need it smile!



Many hugs for you, Pero, and anyone else that needs one. You a heckuva nice guy. smile

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
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