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#384074 - 02/01/12 06:51 PM his "mother" nevermore
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
not only did she allow him to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. she participated as well.
without going into too much detail about the whole story, I recently found out his "mother" sold him out, and made up stories to cover up her and her husband's crimes. this time she made a mistake. she went too far, even for my partner, he has vowed never to talk to her again, she is now for all intents and purposes, DEAD to him.
i need to know how to help my partner, i never thought she would go this far. i need to be strong for him. i want him to recover and live a full healthy happy life with me.
how can a mother hurt her own child this way? she has accused him of vile terrible things. i feel sick. i hope she dies and rots in hell.


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#384076 - 02/01/12 07:02 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: misscrespo]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am sorry. My prayers are with y'all.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#384078 - 02/01/12 07:05 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: Jim1104]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
thank you so much for your message. Sometimes I need to know I am not going insane, that other survivors have been victims of their so called "mothers".
i will explain better soon, i think, for now all i can say is how disgusted I am with it all.


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#384085 - 02/01/12 08:39 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: misscrespo]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
misscrespo -

a male survivor here who just recently recovered memories of my mother's passive enabling of the step-father's abuse (now i KNOW she knew about it - before i only suspected!)...

**not only did she allow him to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. she participated as well.**

As far as i am concerned, "allowing" equals "participating." Maybe - probly - it is worse to have a mother who was more "active" - but the abandonment issues are also hard to deal with. I see mine as "guilty by association" as an "accessory to the crime" and guilty of "sins of omission."

I don't understand it either - unless it is like... it is so bad and she knows it is so bad that she couldn't admit to herself that it was really happening - and that she is a part of it - therefore there is some kind of disconnection between what is *really* happening and what is *pretended* to be the reality. M. Scott Peck wrote a great book that helped me (almost) understand it called "People of the Lie" which should be in most good libraries. It is pretty heavy stuff and full of triggers - so approach with caution! But it was incredibly reassuring and comforting (ironically) to me to realize that i was not the only one that had experienced some of the types of episodes he descibes. His better known and earlier book, "The Road Less Traveled" is a good intro and not quite as dark - and very well-known - not quite as controversial as the other.

Bless you for your moral outrage, your love and support of your survivor - and blessings on your joint journey of healing!!!!

Regards,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384091 - 02/01/12 09:43 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: traveler]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
misscrespo,

My heart bleeds for you and your partner. My own mother sold me out to other men AND she abused me as well. I have spent the last four almost five years recovering. Each step I took was healing. It takes time. I say this to offer HOPE.

I can relate to everything your saying. I did NOT have a partner to be with me as I went through my own journey.

I echo the sentiments above.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#384099 - 02/01/12 11:22 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: misscrespo]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Ugh... I'm so sorry about this, misscrespo!

Like you, I don't understand how a mother can look the other way when her child is being hurt; to actually participate in the hurt? I can't pretend to fathom it.

However, your position as the supporter, I do get!

My husband endured severe beatings and mental abuse at the hands of his father while his mom wrung her hands and looked the other way. When my husband fled the abuse at the ripe old age of 16, his mom hired an attorney and had my husband legally emancipated- because Dad didn't want to be legally responsible for his son! A 16-year-old boy alone and completely on his own will NOT be safe. And my husband was no exception.

I've harbored more anger for this toward my mother-in-law than I have even harbored for my father-in-law! Had she put her foot down, demanded the abuse stop, and vowed to ensure her son was safe in his own home instead of taking every measure to coddle and accept her husband's mean, heartless cruelty, my husband would have escaped the living hell he fell into. That living hell took a deeply good boy and twisted him into knots he's still unraveling in the most painful ways.

I've tried to reconcile her actions, or lack thereof, by reminding myself that things were "different" in the 70s, and that parents are products of their own experiences, etc. But, I have a real hard time with it.

Ironically, my husband gets defensive of his mom. He can't see her through my eyes, nor can I see her through his eyes, so I have learned/am learning to respect his perspective of her. I say nothing negative of her anymore, and focus on the good things about her. I recognize I've made mistakes that I've learned to regret with the passage of time, so I allow her that same benefit.

I'm telling you this as you've asked how you can best support your husband through this. In a nutshell, I would caution you to temper your valid outrage so he doesn't maybe feel defensive of her, which could confuse him and cause conflict between you two.

You are a good, loving person, and you will know how to strike the perfect balance of validating his hurt & rage along with any natural feelings of love he has for her. It's a paradox that children who are brutally abused by parents will deny the abuse and cry that they want their parents when questioned by authorities. It is an innate thing that I don't think ever completely leaves us.

I wish you peace, wisdom and strength!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384159 - 02/02/12 06:11 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: herowannabe]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
Thank you so much for all your comments I really appreciate them. It can be very difficult at times, but we are a very strong couple.

Traveler: I am so sorry that you too, had a terrible mother. You are completely and utterly right. As far as I am concerned allowing the abuse to go on is abusive in itself. I just never knew until recently she had participated on the beatings and lies to the authorities. I long suspected it, but it is different when you get a 100% confirmation, it is no longer an speculation or thought of mine, it's a fact.
Thank you so very much for the book suggestions. I will certainly look for them asap.

Avery: I am so sorry for you too. I often read your posts and I feel disgusted you had a "mother" like that. I wish there was something I could do to help you in your healing as well. I know recovery takes a long time, and I am prepared to stay with my partner through everything. I really think he has done a quantum leap on his recovery as he has started to see his mother for what she really is: a monster. Do you mind my asking, how did you start to become aware of her abuse? I think for my partner he started to see her for what she really is, the moment his fostering mother came back to his life. it was hard for him to have all the memories from his past, (which he thought they were buried) to come back to life. But hard as it all was, I think he can start to see how a mother really behaves and finally he can identify abusive behavior from her. I think it was always easier for him to be angry with his father and step father but he always found it difficult to see it in her. He would often defend her even if he knew she was wrong. He would go to visit her even though it made him sick to his stomach. She had a power over him, somehow she could make him feel HE OWED HER. how sick is that?

Herowannabe: I often read your posts too. I quite like them. I know exactly what you mean about harboring more anger towards the mother in law than the father. I think as women, we find the notion of an innocent child suffering like that at a woman's hand so revolting that we can't help to feel that way.
I know what your saying about things being different in the 70's. My partner's abuse took place in the 80's. I suppose even in the 80's these things weren't discussed as much (thinking about it, nowadays it's not that different either) I have tried to remain with a positive attitude. I know exactly what you mean about the paradox of children being brutally abused and still crying for their parents. I think that's why I find it helpful that I can rant here because I know I would never do it with him. It will only lead him to push himself even more towards her. It is very unhealthy for him, so I have always tried to give her some sort of benefit. But I honestly cannot do that any longer, not after what we discovered she did to him.

Long story short, when my man was 13 his mother and stepfather decided to foster children because they saw it as a business opportunity. to take the money from social services and NOT look after the boys they had been given. Of course they had no intention of looking after any of them because they couldn't even look after the children they already had. Anyway, she got tired of having small children around but she didn't want her husband to get angry at her so she decided to blame her own son. She called social services and asked them to collect the children because they were being sexually abused by my partner. She used the pain she knew he went through and used it against him. I know that people tend to think if he was abused he will become an abuser, but that is NOT the case! especially with my partner. he is the most loving caring and wonderful man I have ever met, he loves children and animals and has great empathy. I cannot believe she would tell social services her own son had become an abuser because he had been abused. She thought it was the most convenient thing to do, she got rid of the children, her husband was not upset with her, and all she had to do was tell that vile and disgusting lie about her own son. He in turn, had two separate interviews with social services in which they investigated him, and asked him about his personal sexual preferences amongst other things, and got battered by his stepfather, as he became angry he could no longer get money off social services.
he was a 13 year old boy, scared, battered and confused and did not know why these people were asking him these sort of questions. He assumed it was to do with the follow up to his father's trial (he was convicted for pedophilia) but had no idea his own mother had said those things. We only discovered recently thanks to his foster mother who had evidence of what had happened to him. I still feel sick.

I also found out today she messed some papers for an application for a flat we had applied for together. She is just evil.

But I will be strong for him, I will always love him no matter what.

Thank you so much for listening.

P.S. Please do not feel tempted to judge. I know in my heart he did nothing of the sort. He is feeling sick and humiliated at the moment.


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#384165 - 02/02/12 07:14 PM Re: his "mother" nevermore [Re: misscrespo]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
O...M...G...!

You are SPOT ON: most victims of CSA do NOT go on to abuse children! If I can believe MS survivors, and I do, they suffer greatly from this unwarranted fear, which prevents them from not even being able to show physical affection for their own babies. Then to have some in our society assume they are objects of suspicion is horrific; a double dose of abuse. Their suffering goes on and on...until they begin a good, solid recovery.

I am so deeply sorry for what your beloved has and is still suffering. When others rail at God for allowing such suffering, I am always compelled to point out that God never, ever willed the evil humans visit on each other. But He does provide help, support and love. YOU are a shining example of God's love for your sweetheart. I love you for being such a blessing to him, and to all of us here at MS.

Again, I wish I had words of comfort, but sometimes there are simply no words possible.

Hugs-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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