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#383992 - 01/31/12 09:31 PM the door....
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am ruminating tonight about the night I was sexually assaulted. I wished I had done more to stop it. It was in the bathroom at the local University.
I was in the building studying and had to go to the bathroom. I went in one of the stalls as I was NOT comfortable being at the urinal. I "sensed" someone in the bathroom so I stayed in the stall. I thought he left so, I opened the door.

****Trigger Warning*****

I was surprised to find him outside the door with his hands around his ....

I was intriqued. I know it now why I was intrigued. I am also a CSA survivor and this behavior was identical to the behavior of my cousin when I was 6. Anyways as soon as he saw that I was intrigued he pushed me back into the stall. He did not have to push very hard as I submitted to his advances. He motioned for me to turn around. I turned around. He moved up beside me and waved his ... at me. I reached out to play with it. I did so for what seemed like a long time. He then moved behind me. I would then feel the most intense pain I had felt since I was 11. I froze.

I think about how I would act today in such a situation. I would be repulsed by the guestures and leave the bathroom. I would never have opened the door. Why did I open the door? I would never speak about this horror until now.

My shoulder and back muscles are tense right now. I will stop. I am getting a migraine headache.



Edited by Avery46 (01/31/12 09:55 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#383999 - 01/31/12 10:39 PM Re: the door.... [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
You opened the door because you thought it was "safe" - you said yourself that you thought he had left.

And you acted as you did because you had been programed or conditioned. History was repeating itself. From what I've read, we repeat and re-enact hurtful memories in the hope that we can gain control or make it turn out different/better or somehow come to terms with it.

You were still the victim. You did not ask for that.

Hold on - you're going through deep s--t but you are going through!

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384093 - 02/01/12 09:52 PM Re: the door.... [Re: traveler]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
traveler,

Thank you!!!! I am in tears as I "listen" to what your saying. Your words touched my heart.

Thank you.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#384096 - 02/01/12 10:21 PM Re: the door.... [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
No problem, man. I's easier to see it when someone else is going through it. It's harder to accept and apply when you're up to your eyebrows in it. I have the same kind of feelings at times. You do the same for others, I know. Wish i could do more.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384173 - 02/02/12 08:20 PM Re: the door.... [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Avery,
you were so brave to tell us all this.
My hat's off to you!!!
Don't be harsh to yourself and please don't blame yourself. You couldn't do nothing, you were triggered at that time and because of your traumatic experience you were involved into something unwonted. It is same compulsive behavior that happened repetitively to many of us and many times frown.
I'm very proud that you find words to express your self.
Congratulation for your strength and courage.
You are great and you deserve only best from life, don't you ever forget that!
Pero

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