Lets face it we are men, and sex is very important. We think about is a lot. It's part of being male. I think women probably think about it too but not as much as we do.
I think SSA and gay are labels, imprinting because of abuse? pavlovian responses? maybe. But at the end of the day call it what you want, its part of who we are now. We can repress it, exorcise it, ignore it, embrace it, it's a personal choice.
We would all agree that we are looking for a balance and some peace in our lives. I agree with Castle , it is a quest for intimacy , genuine feelings, and real relationships.
My personal opinion is that as survivors, we see the world still through the eyes of a child. The world is black and white for most of us. There are good people and bad people, gay and straight................... but the world is not black and white, it's a spectrum upon which we fall within one end or the other or somewhere in the middle. So we have attractions toward our own gender, does it matter that it is as a result of the abuse or not? the important thing is who we are as a person. Our ability to relate to others, to love , to trust, to laugh, to be confident about our place in the world.
I don't like the label of SSA , it leaves me unsettled, like something to hide behind.
Just my thoughts.

a label, and something to hide behind. so, :-) not to be repetitive, but "why" -- why would anyone hide at all given where we've been as survivors? hey guys, once you spilled the greatest secret we've ever been told to keep nothing else compares.

hiding from what exactly? have guys taken the idea that just because they think another guy is hot that it in itself is same-sex attraction? or are we talking about guys here thinking that "brad pitt is hot and i want to go all the way" because i just like sex? what?

Well, hiding behind the name itself. Looking at it as a pathological condition. Saying , i have SSA. Where does it go from there? is it a handicap to have that attraction? no absolutely not. We are adults, we don't have to act on it if we choose not too.

I still think that security in one's own sexual orientation is high on our priorities as men. Not because it's a big deal in itself, but because of the social standards we live in.

By the way everybody knows Brad Pitt is hot, not everyone will say it.

well thank you! if i had typed that early on, which i have 200 times before, i didn't think anyone else would have.

so, its society that is fuckedup not us. that is what i'm trying, feeble as it might be, to get guys here to see.

so what we think a guy is hot! women think women are hot and/or sexy, and they aren't "scared for life" and wondering if they are lesbian. they become friends for godsakes!

and guys avoid and run away.

to me -- that is the saddest part. we run away from a hot guy and in the process abandon an important part of ourselves, in my view.

Wow! Chase Eric a question well put! I think your question drives so much of the unconscious discomfort about confronting so many of our issues.

Yes we humans need everything to fit into a neat little box...
Men are Like Waffles
Funny how when certain primates play, "same sex" we don't call them "Gay Monkeys"...They are still just monkeys.

We humans label things to our own detriment at times.

I still don't understand some of the labels we use. If i like potato chips....I am not labeled as a "Potato Chip Craver" BUT if I like women I am heterosexual...or if I like guys that makes me gay.....???

Then there is the human trait of seeing things as either "right" or "wrong"- Hence the need for many terms that color perspectives in a ways that make us humans more comfortable.

(I am intentionally not getting into religious values here since that discussion would undoubtedly cause the smoldering keg that is this thread to explode That discussion would bring into play the perspective of "Absolute right and wrong." )


Seriously.....I don't think I'm ever gonna figure it out!!!
Be well my brothers!

Thanks to all for an insightful discussion. I'm new to these boards and have been amazed by how many of us struggle with these questions even as we take different paths in life.

For me it helps to differentiate between gay as a social identity, created in part through self-identification but also through social definition, and behaviors/attractions. The contradictions in the OP do come up -- someone might be straight in terms of social identity but have SSA or have sex with men. I believe some have started talking about straight men who have sex with men. But there are also gay men who have sex with women. The problem is that the social definition is always in the background, so that even if you think you are straight w/ SSA, someone else might think you are gay. That creates a tension between the self and society.

I appreciate the points made by those who say just have a loving, positive relationship and don't worry about labels. At the same time, a lot of people can't deny the social pressures or the questions that reappear as we move through different contexts and interactions.

Hi Guys

Hot topic again.

There is an interesting study done in NYC and the link is Straight men Gay Sex
Makes for some interesting reading.

Heal well
Martin