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#383661 - 01/27/12 05:22 PM Tools for triggers
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
I have many many triggers now about the trauma I have been through.

Does anyone have any useful tools? One thing I have used is reading a few select pages in Alanon literature over and over. If anyone wants those pages let me know?

Anyone else have any good tools?


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#383686 - 01/28/12 12:29 AM Re: Tools for triggers [Re: lucylives]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hi, if you can avoid the trigger in normal course of the day and night, that works. Some people get triggered listening to certain music or certain genre of movies. Avoid those types of things that can be avoided. Horror movies trigger so don't watch them. That type thing.

Say you hate Starbucks and it's a trigger, why not face the fear and go in?

No, it's not that simple to face a trigger (which really is the thing you are afraid of or reminds you of the bad thing that happened).

It's definitely not that easy with humans because all are different (or the same to some people).

The worst triggers are sexual.

Break apart the trigger to what happened to the smallest parts.
It's not the thing that you come in contact with now that is the problem, it is the conditioning of a person that causes the trigger.

Example: The Starbucks trigger above. Is it really Starbucks that triggers or is it what happened? It's the latter. Hopefully when you walk into a Starbucks, the same thing doesn't happen again. 99% chance it won't. It's not Starbucks that triggers so to speak but what happened there a long time ago. A person that was shot in a Starbucks by some nutcase may have that fear. I ain't going in there. Remember what happened the last time? But, that really isn't rational. The chances of that person getting shot in a Starbucks again is a million to one. Nill.

"We must learn to embrace the things we fear" I heard in a movie once. Alien Nation to be exact. The aliens died when they went into the ocean. They couldn't go in it and were scared of it. None even wanted to go the beach because of it. But, one alien stood on the sand and the wave came onshore and nearly touched his shoes. He said that quote. He wasn't scared to stand next to the ocean like all the others. He had faced his fear.

Triggers that cause a response from you will vary. But, they are all the same. Face the trigger. Say a kiss is a trigger. It's not the kiss that is bad; it's what happened that was. Until you kiss and fight the trigger, it ain't going away. Some triggers are gonna be way harder than the others to conquer but you do essentially the same thing.

If a certain thing, say a house, triggers, don't go to the house. However, if you want to conquer it, maybe sitting on the porch till that's comfortable is a first step. Maybe the second is opening the door. Comfy opening the door leads to taking a step inside. And so forth and so forth. It's easier to avoid the house but it's empowering to walk through it. Maybe you can't. Some things just have to go. Not all triggers are avoidable. Some you have to face. Conquer the small ones first so it gives you confidence to tackle the big ones. Yeah, it's that simple. Maybe walk into the house with a confidant.

Triggers can be smells, a certain place, a certain way you are touched, certain sounds and even people (feel free to add more). If a certain person triggers and you don't have to be near them, avoid them. If the person is the abuser, shoot 'em. No, wait. A joke. Just don't be around them. Almost all triggers are certain actions or so forth like we already said above. Has to be a way to conquer those.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383747 - 01/28/12 09:53 PM Re: Tools for triggers [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
My triggers include having to see my grandson's mother (my husband's whore) often, having to daily drive by the row of hotels my husband used with prostitutes, going to my Dad's home because he's hung a photo of himself and my sisters which was taken the same afternoon my husband was laying with his first prostitute, among a thousand other daily stabs to my heart, which cause my stomach to burn and twist into an agonizing knot.

The most effective way I've found to render the triggers less potent is to immediately tell my husband. Without fail, he stops whatever he's doing and we talk.

He listens to me and discusses with me (for the hundredth time) his reality of that trigger, which is never as I imagine.

He takes the time to sincerely apologize for the damage he's done.

He shows real remorse which makes it clear to me that if he could take it all back, he would.

He thanks me for staying with him through it all, and promises I will never go through this horror again.

He lets me know he loves me, and he assures me he is here for the rest of our lives.

I'm not sure I'll EVER not be tortured with triggers being my grandson, whom I pretty much raised as my own son, is himself a reminder of all that was going on while I was caring for him in his mother's stead. But, I have to believe that someday the triggers will not transport me to despair if I continue to pull them out by the neck and deliver them to my husband for him to suffocate.

That's just me...

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#383907 - 01/31/12 12:12 AM Re: Tools for triggers [Re: herowannabe]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hero, I'm sorry.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383921 - 01/31/12 08:55 AM Re: Tools for triggers [Re: phoenix321]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Thanks Phoenix. I understand the facing the fear. I have no choice but to face it. I would otherwise have to live in my closet with no interactions with anyone, no tv, no computer, no communication with husband or anyone else.

So we have no choice but to face them, at least most of them. I can avoid some like restaurants and such that are triggers but there is no possible way to avoid all the triggers. i would really have to lock myself ina closet with no interaactions with anyone or anything to stay clear of them.

The best thing I have been able to do is realize it is a trigger and a feeling and that it won't kill me. Feel the feeling and let it pass. Accept it for what it is.

As I say that, I have decided to go to a restaurant that is a huge trigger for me. Face the fear.


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#383924 - 01/31/12 09:50 AM Re: Tools for triggers [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
You go, girl!

Remind yourself that whatever triggers you about that restaurant no longer exists. It's in the past. Done. Over. No longer there. A memory that is likely a memory your imagination had to populate with faces and words spoken- not necessarily the reality (the reality was probably not anything close to what you've imagined).

Consider going back there again. And again. Make a memory there that will counter, or at least balance, the triggering memory. Some countering ideas:

* Have your beloved plan a dinner there for the two of you. Don't just eat dinner, but spend the evening discussing the progress made and your plans for the future.

* Go alone. Order a glass of wine and spend the time journaling. Write out all of your thoughts, hurts, dreams, hopes. Revel in the fact that you are there on your own, clothed in your bravery, held up by your strength and that you are bigger and better than the past.

* Park in the restaraunt's parking lot. Turn off your car, sit, look at that door, and offer prayer. Pray for healing, pray for those who turned that restaraunt into a place of hell for you. Pray for all who've entered and all who will enter that door, that they are actively seeking to do good. (This is something I've considered doing at each of the hotels my husband acted out in, but have yet to muster the strength and courage to do).

Blessings, Lucy!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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