After are few days of this post being in the "gay/bi/trans" forum section, I believe posting in this forum is as important.
This post is about what I have experienced. This post is about the sexual confusion. I have posted on here at MS about being gay. I have to admit being very confused about my sexuality. I have been living as a gay man until about 2 years ago so, for 20 years I have lived as a gay man. The gay sex for which I sought out was very abusive, anonymous and very unconnected.
I was married at one time - I have been divorced for 21 years. I had a very wonderful wife. I was unfaithful to her by being sexual with men. I was very frighted to tell her about the abuse. She asked me if I was gay. It was easier to tell her I was gay than to tell her of the abuse. I was NOT prepared to have her tell me to get out of the house.
I have to admit I think about the abuse and its affects on me. It has been a struggle within my mind, body and spirit as I have been processing what has happened to me. I have thought and believe the abuse, and the fear about telling others of the abuse caused me to "come out" as being gay.
I believe my authentic self is very much attracted to women. I had an inappropriate relationship with my mother. I believe this inappropriate relationship caused me to loath women.
I loved the males in my life when I was a kid/teenager as they kept me away from my mom. They also made me "feel" good. It is this loathing women and liking the attention of men for which I "felt" drawn to live with only men even if that ment as a gay man.
I want to be very clear about this post. I am writing about MY experience. I am "NOT" judging anyone. This post is "NOT" a debate about the choice of being gay or being straight. I am "NOT" saying being gay is wrong.